Teenhood is going to leave me

So I only have a week left as a teenager.

Maybe that why's I've been down recently, I mean subconsciously. Its the whole not being where I thought I be. However, I didn't really know what I want to do.

I mean, I do. I want to be a writer. Writer is what I am. What I want to be is: A published writer, one that gets/or makes money off their writing. I have ads on here but have never made off here. I make like 50p month off my Booktube channel.

I broke right now by the way.

So nothing about my mysterious future, lets talk about my actual terrible time as a teenager.

Okay, it wasn't all that terrible. But it wasn't that happy and my strongest memories are the sort of terrible ones.

My school career offically became a pile of crap. I didn't get to do the choices I wanted, never doing chemistry has really always haunted me and majorly fucked up my (first) 6th year. I also had the depressing experinces of repeating 6th year. I shall forever be able to lie to Americans about going to Hogwarts. Get it, 7th year.

I had horrible house teachers, that should know they both suck at their jobs. The teachers who actually taught me were pity good. All my biology teachers were awesome. English always taught me something and I can write a good essay even if they did just ignore creative writing.

I ended being rather disillusion with the education systems as no one ever gave a fuck about individual stunet. You either do it now, or fuck off because they was no way they were going actually try and improve you. I guess as Dyslexic with obvious signs of possible being Austic/sectively mute (I'm not going near that mess at the moment) High school was never going to be totally happy experince.

Generally, I was never all that happy in my current location where I spent the whole of my teenage years. I made few friends and frankly any one with brain eventually leaves this place even if they ended up back here. I just think I really need to leave. Goal for the past four years.

Cool stuff I did as a teen:
I went to Florida two times in that time. I saw My Chemical Romance and Fall Out Boy, I went to T in the Park for the first time, I killed a guy, I got half way through a novel, I started 2 you tube channels that currently have roughly 50 subscribers after like 80 videos on each; I went on the run, I have managed to acquired a what could be called a library of books (over three hundred); it safe to say I've read over 240 books taking to count I only really start to count since 2011; I've change my mind about what I want to do with my life at least 5 times; I own two typewriters and have kept this blog going for over a year (even if I have lied about some the dates).

So some of that was a lie, guess which. That right I have yet to see Fall Out Boy in concert but you know that could happen now that appear to be back.

So that 7 years of my life is over, let just cry in corner about only being 10 years away from being 30.

Two Empty Weeks (At least I read)

Well, I've college on Monday. Were the hell did those two weeks go? Time sure does flies when you doing nothing, while avoiding productivity. Does that mean doing nothing is fun? Probably a bit, well more than doing work.

However, I did do something slightly productive by finally finish reading the Complete Stories of Sherlock Holmes.  I won't say more than that, because frankly I've went on about a lot these past months and made a video (down below) that probably says too much on the matter.

 

I've read other books and in act of childish I've been reading children books, A series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket. But then again when I was a child I could not read, so then why shouldn't read them now....Yeah, I have nothing to say this week. 

Just doing nothing all week, I sort everything out tomorrow. Still need a proper Halloween costume, any last minute suggestions are welcome. Everything is done tomorrow.

I'm truly off to annoy my black and white cat and dog.

The Realisation that hit me at 4.58 in morning (Oh, why must this war continue?)

Sleep is boring. 

Okay, sleeping isn’t actually the boring part. Its self can be rather interesting with the whole dreaming and disturbing oddness that comes with them. It’s the getting to sleep that the issue. I was inspired to notion of it being boring from BBC Sherlock and if you follow my twitter (@RachelVerna) or my Youtube vlog (all links can be found at the side) you will know that I’m quite a big Sherlock fan (working my way through the original Complete stories of Sherlock Holmes by ACD). While lying awake one night after many a night struggling to find rest, I realise that I just can’t shut my mind off. 

With the lights out, my mind goes into overdrive.  Every possible thought goes through my mind, what I should have done that day, what I need to do tomorrow, why the hell did I say that to such and such in the P6, Oh that would be good plot line or I totally think they going to have that in the next episode…such is the nonsense that comes to me at 4am.

And even if I can get my mind to go blank, then my senses go into overdrive. Suddenly, I can hear everything that going in around my house. Whether it’s the TV that been left on in the living room or the buzzing of bug flying around my bedroom, it’s enough to keep me up till sun rise. I end up getting out the bed and getting my ipod. 

But then the patterns in the darkness would come, but I always fight the unknown of the darkness and my wondrous imagination, by having a light source.   However, my imagination is too good to be conquered by something that simple and will frankly always win the war. I only take the humble battle most nights. I will caught shapes in the corner of my eyes that are suddenly something; I will create layered horror stories in the middle of night involuntary.  To think I use to have night terrors.

Even in my deepest need for sleep, these things all still keep me awake. Most night I give and paddle about, reading (don’t even suggest that makes you tired, if you actually enjoy reading it will waken you more) or watching whatever crap happens to be on at five am. The Curse of an Active Brain.

So in this bring me to the conclusion that trying to get to sleep is boring and most nights I wouldn’t even try if wasn’t for the matter that I’m actually having to be do stuff during the day. As of this Monday I’ll have to be getting up at six in the morning instead of going to sleep, all to catch a bus to college. I won’t get home until half sixish as well, I imagine my bed will be the most appealing once I arrive home. This will be my Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays for the next year. The Price of an Education. 

For those interested, the orientation day was as boring as I imagined and no I never talked to anyone which is what both my parents asked me. Also I missed out of seeing (in person) my Best friend (yes, Miss English) because of it. As the theme of sleepless nights has continue, you would be correct in thinking that my problem from last week has not been solved. God, I can’t believe summer is officially over now (in my mind it’s over with the term start). So Farewell to summer this year and Farewell to you this week. Wish me luck for college.

Why studying English isn't for all book lovers

While I'm out of the country (once again, I'm actually in England which currently is technically not another country, but it is) and no guaranteed internet, I leave you with my reflection of the topic of doing a degree in English.

This was something I truly thought about doing, I actually got a conditional from University of Dundee to do Psychology/English, so why I am not at Dundee? (Mainly because it summer, really) Because I knew I won't get the grades to do it and was correct. Still felt horrible when I pressed the decline button on UCAS track. I failed all my subjects except for that lousy B in Art. This year I thought about applying to do English again, but realised Dundee was only place that would take me. It was only place I wanted to go anyway, but Art was also calling. Yeah and we know how that turned out.

I love books, I truly do, I love writing, I even love how complex the English Language can be, but there something about studying the art subjects that destroys them. This is also referring once again to my horrible art experience, by the time I was kicked out of Art I was ready to throw out all my pencils and burned all that remained of all the pieces I did for it. Part of me, still wants to burn that blue butterfly, even though it took me months and worked out petty good.


Back to English, I think tearing apart books can ruin them, I quite enjoyed reading 'How to kill a Mockingbird'. However, I remember after studying it I never wanted to see or hear about it again. Three years later, I don't feel the same. Still probably won't reread it. Three times was enough.

Loving books doesn't automatic make you good at understanding their deeper meanings. I mean, I have got better at this, when reading great work of literature. I'm probably far better than I was a year ago. Also sometimes they just don't have some great meaning, sometimes they just great reads. Though, most of my favourites do have that deep meaning.

Another big factor with Studying English, is that there no real path afterwards. Most need further training afterwards. I know, that I would probably do anything to avoid a proper office job. That's why science currently my favourite pathway.

My main issue with English is that I'm Dyslexic and I've only been reading for eight years and most Universities are not willing to cut you any slack for this. I probably couldn't get into any Uni in Scotland but Dundee (why do St. Andy want French?)  Its a great Uni so who really cares.

Its funny, in all the different course I thought about applying to I always end up at Uni of Dundee.

Okay, this wasn't that detailed, but mainly dealt with the reasons it wasn't right for me.

Last year as a teen (I'm getting old)

My two last posts have been utter nonsense, I blame the holidays. Well, I'm back at school now.

Through several things being illuminated this past week, a slap of morality has occur. It not really that I fear death, more of ageing and changing side of it.

I've will be experiencing my last day of school on my 19th Birthday in two weeks time yesterday. If you don't know what to do with that information, you're in the same boat as me. It won't be my official leaving date, but it will my last day of classes. I won't see most my year/anyone from my school after this. I'm not properly friends with any of them, so no reason to see them. That probably kinda sad to most people. It not that I never made any friends while at school, it just they left before I did and I never replaced them. It doesn't seem that sad I could say the same about my original year. Repeating 6th year didn't really change how it would end. It will end with the same awkwardness of everyone saying goodbye to each other and no one feeling the urge to do so to me. I'm fine with this, mainly since I have form no strong bonds with anyone. No one whose been fragment of my life will I be changing paths with. My best friend at school this year has been books.

They've been a good friend other years as well, I've never been bother by only being seen with a book. I gained the amusing story of my Deputy Head telling me that he was reading "Twilight" (Yes, the fairy Meyerpires) when he saw a book in my hands and thought it was Twilight, even if I normally talked I wouldn't have know how to responded to that. In his defence he is an English teacher.

My birthday isn't really a big change, by turning 19 I'll be gaining nothing or even a step closer to something. Even with being 18 I haven't really used that new gained freedom of buying liquor or going to r-rated movies. It just a sign that I'm a year older and that I should start to act like a mature adult. Okay, maybe just I should act more maturer. My eyesight getting worse on the plus side (sarcasm is also my friend).

Other stuff has happened, but I've decided not to shared that with the internet for time being since I haven't really decided how I feel about them yet.

Easter Procasination (with a side of Bible Bashing and Typewriter love)

Okay, nothing to really report. Been on Easter break ( if your American, SPRING BREAK!! WHOOP!) so no school to complain about. Been doing a lot of maths revision, should probably work on English or Biology considering I have a test for it after the holiday. I thought I might actually write a piece of fiction and post here instead. I know that what other people do with their blogs. Idea would be nice though; maybe I'll have one next week.

So tomorrow is Jesus' Deathday apparently. Fun. I don't really believe in Christianity (or any Abrahamic religion for that matter), but I will admit that the new testament is better than the old when it comes to my moral issues with the bible. I think its just a lot of prejudice humbug (I prefer Humbug to the modern bullshit).
However, Scotland is a Christian country so I have had the humbug shoved down my throat my whole life.  So I sometimes go to church and watch mocking videos on Youtube. Oh, and of course laugh at idiotic American Creationist. Anyone who tries to say Evolution is just a theory can go dance with our cousins the lions or any other sharp tooth animal.

Okay, kinda went of topic. I'm meant to be discussing Easter, not the modern idoits of this world. Basically, I have a lot of problems with the Easter Story and the way it portrayed in the Bible. Fun fact the New Testament's content was decided by some Roman Bastard (who was clearly Sexist), frankly he left out the most interesting Gospels. Fuck Mark and Luke; Mary Magdalene and Judas would seem more insightful than them. Some expects believe that Mary and Judas were made out to be sinners and villains out of envy, due their close relationship to Jesus, by the other Apostles such as Matthew. Yeah, I'm annoyed as much as curious of the lost of  Mary's and Judas' Gospels. I also think it makes more sense if Mary Magdalene was a Apostle. 12 guys seems rather unlikely, if you're going for peace among all mankind.

  Another Fun fact, Luke is not the Apostle, but just some random dude who was mates with Paul. Though, obviously none of the Apostles would have been alive when their gospels were wrote; I suppose its possible that their stories were past down.

To my main points, I don't get why Judas would commit the sin of killing himself when he did what Jesus asked him. I suppose it the similar as expecting someone to feel guilty about helping a dying relative leave the world faster. It also really annoys me when people say the Jews killed Jesus. It was quite clearly the Romans, the Catholic Church have some how managed to get people to forget this. As well as all those early Christians fed to lions. Its a shame that didn't put them off.

The main thing I get from Easter, is that Jesus died for our Chocolate.Actually, that some what comes from Christmas too.

Side-Note

I've been told that I'm now collecting Typewriters. My mother brought me a typewriter at £4 out of another charity shop today. Its a Hermes 301. So far have been able to find nothing about it on the Interweb, except that it from Switzerland. Its in working order, but I've not had a proper chance to type on it yet. I still like my Olympia better. I taken to calling it Gerard Arthur,  I feel that's a name a 40 year old would have. XD Maybe I call the new Benedict Cumberbatch, likely some Sherlock Holmes nonsense since that is currently my obsession. Oh, I'll call it Watson. My brain makes random leaps.

Is it sad that I'm naming my typewriters?

Typewriter fun - My Dedication of Love to the Past of Writing

Haló, I'm now the proud owner of a Olympia SM9 typewriter. 

Isn't she beautiful?

I've got to say that while I love having this machine, the amount I'll actually use it is to be determined. Its in complete working order and I've have so far used to write nonsenical letters and the opening of a story idea, that is frankly quite confusing so far. I plan to write a horror story and see if it comes true. You know like in that Goosebumps book/episode "The Blob That Ate Everyone", I guess the boy is exactly like me. I love writing horror stories and I have a working computer and going to be getting my own laptop soon which was confirmed the same day as I got the typewriter. I actually brought the typewriter out of a charity shop, Caring for Carers, which money goes partly to the same charity thats giving me money towards a laptop. £15 to help others. 
I've wanted a typewriter for a while, for sentimental reasons really. All those great works that have been typed out on a typewriter, basically since the late 19th century. Also think I'm less likely to get distracted typing on a typewriter than if I was using a laptop/computer. It also might improve my typing as I won't have room to make mistakes. I actually seem to making more typing mistakes on my keyboard than I do on my typewriter as writing this.
I think I would like to at less write one chapter of every book I ever write on a typewriter, though I need to write a book first. 


Also why would a typewriter made in 1971 need a "at" symbol? Is two letter word too long to write every time, its not like "at" is used in most sentences. @?