MCR is a thing I love.

I am going to see My Chemical Romance in June 2020. Not sure of the date. In my panic to get tickets, I forgot to ask what the day was.

So I called up again, it was for the 20th so I booked for the 21 as well because I am a loser and terrible person. But I have so little in life being the fool that sees a band twice is who I am now. In my defence, I booked the Sunday after I called back and got through to the Disabled again, so...I mean if you were all about it you would have tickets by then.

Yeah, I'm the worst when it comes to My Chemical Romances tickets. I was just gonna say I'm the worst, but there's a lot of bad things in this world like people who brought tickets to sell them. I am gonna see My Chemical Romance twice because my brain makes bad decision sometimes.

Thanks, anxiety, the thing that makes me miss out and gives me the fear of missing out. I don't know, should I cancel the ticket. I've been online and I don't see anyone say that they didn't get tickets. It just took them a long arse time. IDK, I know it was a bad thing to do but now I don't know wait to do about it. The Worse part is that Disabled access is appearing on Second Sale sites. I hope they get their tickets cancelled. I don't know what to do about this anyway.

Doing that whole going back to uni thing to become educated? Again. Doing the same level of uni but this time with the right level of support hopefully. I am Dyslexic and Autistic with fun side benefits of that. I'm a terrible procrastinator. I think I shall go to the GP and talk about how I think my Anxiety gives me physical symptoms.

I have chronic pain and had since I was a child. I've always had a bad back, I mean at least ten which is not right. Did I hurt myself and no one saw me do it? Obviously, as a kid, you don't tell your parents all the asinine stuff you do and maybe I don't remember happening because as Dyslexic kid I hurt myself all the time. I walk into walls. I almost fall all the time.

My bullet journal Obsession with international shipping has finally been caught by customs. I blame the Brexit. *Loud Sigh* Yeah, so that finally happened. Greaaaatttt...

It is what is, I still expect this nonsense to continue even now we no longer have the benefits of being in the EU. Now just stuck in the UK without any benefits under the tories.

So now I have ruined this post, turning a great thing of seeing My Chemical Romance into something really depressive.

That being said trying to get a ticket was a nightmare. I tried to get normal tickets because I've had cases where the Disabled tickets sold out before the normal ones, so I was hedging bets. But being there at 9.30 on the dot, got me nothing. No seats or VIP seats. I was there pretty quickly there for Sunday too, nothing. So I am mad with people who immediately sold tickets. Maybe both you got lucky in your gang to try to get them, but now there were people who brought tickets with no intention of using them.

So no luck through Ticketmaster. I did get through Disabled Finally. I had to call 75 times to get thought the first time, and I was in a panic when I did. They hanged up on me several times were caught in a loop pressing 1 and 1 over and over to get into the queue and then I was kicked off the queue three times which the worst part. I don't why they think that will actually get people to stop calling.

I felts so anxious before and afterwards. Just stress about the whole thing.

Melton Keyes being where MCR do their big reunion sounds like a joke.

I still hope they tour the UK because I always regretted not seeing them in Glasgow. I'm able so excited and happy about seeing them, but I can't keep that energy up till June.

Also, I am seeing Fall Out Boy and Green Day three days afterwards. This is a hilarious and delightful state of events. Also stressful. See you then.

Book Review: Crooked Kingdom by Leigh Bardugo

I just wanted a well rounded dyslexic character kicking butt, bonus if not a boy.

Kaz Brekker and his crew of deadly outcasts have just pulled off a heist so daring even they didn't think they'd survive. But instead of divvying up a fat reward, they're right back to fighting for their lives.

Double-crossed and badly weakened, the crew is low on resources, allies, and hope. As powerful forces from around the world descend on Ketterdam to root out the secrets of the dangerous drug known as jurda parem, old rivals and new enemies emerge to challenge Kaz's cunning and test the team's fragile loyalties.

A war will be waged on the city's dark and twisting streets - a battle for revenge and redemption that will decide the fate of the Grisha world.

I have no pressing reason to review this book as it's not by a British writer or book I received for free off a publisher/author. But like I said in my review of the first book, this series has rep that affects me and is hard to find. This review will have spoilers for the first book but I try best to avoid spoilers in my reviews of the actual book I'm reviewing.

So one of the characters is coded Dyslexic. Weasley is unable to read and his dad is a dick about it because he's evil. The rep is okay I guess. I mean, it's mostly Weasley wishing he could read so things would go faster and a little talk about the failure of him being taught. It's kinda raised that he could have been taught wrong. Dyslexic people do process information differently, meaning they have to be taught differently. It never goes into details and he has no other symptoms of Dyslexia except being capable of non-reading things.

I listen to the audiobook of this whole series, and Weasley voice actor sure did make a choice when it came to doing Kaz. He's an old man with him and Weasley has a bigger part than the last book so it never came up till now. I don't mind multiple voices in audiobooks but I do when the voice actors do completely different things for a character. It's very distracting. I guess it's meant to show how Weasley sees Kaz compared to the other characters.

There are high emotion moments, that I feel are meant to be devastating but I just felt whatever about. I don't understand the choice. I guess I just wasn't that invested. There is a lot of characters at play and I did feel for the most of them. That part just didn't have an impact for me.

Overall, I give this book and the series 4/5 stars for Sugar Eating. This was fun, dark read so my type of reading. The world-building was great and it's definitely great to have multiple Disabled characters in one series. Having read this series now, I'm really interested in reading Ninth House on how it had to be an adult novel. I guess maybe you get away with least in Urban Fantasy over straight-up fantasy.

Book Review: Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo

I want a cool cane but there are so expensive.

Criminal prodigy Kaz Brekker is offered a chance at a deadly heist that could make him rich beyond his wildest dreams - but he can't pull it off alone.

A convict with a thirst for revenge. A sharpshooter who can't walk away from a wager. A runaway with a privileged past. A spy known as the Wraith. A Heartrender using her magic to survive the slums. A thief with a gift for unlikely escapes. Six dangerous outcasts. One impossible heist.

Kaz's crew is the only thing that might stand between the world and destruction - if they don't kill each other first.

I had forgotten that I once upon a time that I requested a review copy of this book and I always believe in reviewing books that I do end up reading from my review pile. I only realise when I went to mark on my Spreadsheet of books that I had finished this book, that I found it on my NetGalley arc lists. This is all funny because as I was listening to it, I was like "Ha Ha I don't have to review this and can just go on to the sequel book." I suppose, now in 2019, people wouldn't have minded if I just fulfil the need to review this book by reviewing the whole duology as one. But here we are single again.

Yes, I have read the whole the Grisha trilogy and while liking the world, I did have issues with the solution to that series. Honestly, it's depressing as hell. This book does have sad things; that can be found in life right now. This is a heist plot at its core with a bunch of personal storylines that all the characters have.

This is a lot pairing off in our Six of Crows gang. It's basically made up of couples to be. They all fine, a decent Hate/Prejudice to Love thing and another too emotionally scarred to just being together. The relationships are fine, we do have Queer characters and there's a bit of pinning over the seemly straight ones. The characters are okay, they all have different wants and motivations. I feel for them,

The rep in this book is okay, there's a lot this book is meant to have but I never pay attention to character descriptions except for the weird Irish Stereotypes that I just sigh at now but won't say anything because it's not a weird Scottish stereotype and this is a technically a fantasy world originally based off Russia. I know how the characters look more because of the fan outrage over the casting than anything else. I know Nina is meant to be plus-sized a.k.a. fat like me. Nina is very obsessed with food so I don't love that about her but she is also very "sexy" which is nice to see with a fat character and her love of food isn't made out to be a bad thing.

Now for the rep that I actually care about it, because it affects me and is lacking in fiction. There are two Disabled characters in this book. Kaz is out there with his badly healed broken leg and then another character whose disability is a twist. I actually recently tweeted that there is so few dyslexic characters or even coded ones in fantasy and books in general. This is the most undeveloped character of the crew and I'm hoping that in the sequel they are more developed and more like actual rep.

Overall, I give this book 4/5 stars for fragile Ice. This is a fun book about revenge and other things. Yeah, tons of sad things that play into the real world but in a fun way. We already discussed in other reviews that weird definition of fun books. Ableism would be easier to cope with if it came with magic and heists.

Update: I have now read and reviewed the sequel.

An e-arc was provided from Netgalley and this book was published by Orion Children's Books on 2 June 2016 (I'm not sure if this was the UK date or not since I brought it in 2015, but maybe I did pre-order it).

Book Review: Whispers in Graveyard by Theresa Breslin

This book might have been written for me if only for a few things.If it was Harder core and female lead.

They want me to join them. All I have to do is to reach out to them...

Nobody understands Solomon's dyslexia. The only place he feels safe in the old graveyard, under the rowan tree. But when the workment uproot the tree, a dark and terriflying power is released, and only only Solomon can stop it...

Whispers in the Graveyard won the Carnegie Medal, and has became a modern classic of children's literature.

This book has Graveyard in the title and main character dyslexia. If you've been playing attention then you'll know I am dyslexic (which explains weird spelling and grammer mistakes) and that if book has a graveyard in it I specifically tag it. Also Graveyards because character limits. It's a thing I have been doing since 13 February 2013. So of course, I checked this book of the library.

This book was written purely for Dyslexia by a librarian. I also stopped at Dyslexia so didn't see the modern classic bit. So once I started I checked when this book was written which as 1994.  Two years before Dunblane shooting where at lot of laws changed. It's of its time, but not in a bad way, it was just odd going in thinking this was a modern contempory and not realising that is was when it came out 23 years ago. When I was tiny and cute. So I'm talk a little abit about Dyslexia during this time and whether it get's it right.

So I was dynosis when I was eight meaning sometime in 2001, but had been probably going through tests since 1999 so 5 years after this book was published. Solomon has his eyes tested, colour tested, and hearing. I don't remember getting my hearing tested (nor does my mother). But my eyes were tested several times and remember doing the colour blindness tests a lot. Dyslexia was the thing during time, then it was ADHD (my headteacher was convinced what I had, though I had none of the symtoms). Now it's Autism, which basically means people know what it is in theory but also not at all.

So the writer has done their research. Do I think it is captured well? Not really, but kinda of. So I was dynosised just for having Dyslexia when I was eight, but also then Autism when I was Twenty-Two so my symtoms overlap. The crumsness of Dyslexia is there, but he never get offically dysnosised. There's just a wonder teacher that realises his disability.

My worst compliant about this book is that there's speech by the Wonder teacher that says dyslexia is not a dysabily. Oh, honey I just wrote Disability completely wrong and I will forever miss-spell basic words. I live in a world with google and voice reconsigation software and you didn't know those things were coming. Dyslexia is a Learning Disability. It's a disability. Calling it a difficulty as those two thing don't mean the same thing in this situation, is missing the point. It's like getting upset when someone calls a novel a book. Yes, two different definitions. A book can be a non-fiction or a collection of short stories but novel always come in book form whether e-book, physical or a stack of maginze. Not that last one so much now and the best of those ended in up physical book form. It's ableism. A Disability is something about your body that makes life more difficult for you than people who don't have the disability, that can be how brain processes things or that you can't walk un-assisant. Being Dyslexia obvious never used be a big deal when most people were illiterate and didn't go to school. You were just clumsy and had bad joints (yeah, those are dyslexic symptoms). However, you can be a real disadvantage now. A lot of Daily Life is reading whether that's paperwork or just trying to watch YouTube videos. Disability is not a dirty word. I know this was written over 20 years ago but I don't think enough people realise that now either. I say this as someone who could just passes as a bad speller most of the time and can read most things unaided. It's re-creating the written word I mess up (then there's the Autism and the thing that making my hands go dumb as I try to write this).  Also Beslin made the main character a boy because Statistically more boys have it, so stereotyping then.

There's a lot of other issues going on. Solomon's mother has left the family home due to Solomon's father being abusive Alcoholic and then there's the ghost in the graveyard. Also this book is set in Scotland somewhere. Probably Central Belt. He love his local Graveyard, which is next to Kirk (church) which how I realise that this was set in Scotland. There also an evil entry connected to Scotland's past (go on guesss what it could be linked on, if you know anything about Scottish Supernatural history then you're get it, but I'll leave out because it kinda spoiler). There is a lot for a book less than 200 pages and some stuff does feel underdeveloped. The graveyard and Solomon's home life storylines don't fit that nice together. Hell, the evil enty doesn't even specifically want/need Solomon. Anyone in theory could have stopped it. The plot kinda works, but I think it just need more developed or more character agrency in the plot. Things just kinda come to point and that's that. This book is set in a Primary school so I probably should be less forgiving about the plot but I found it in the YA Section of the library. That was probably a mistake like the time I found R.L. Stine's one adult novel there too.

It has horror elements in it, but it's not scary hence the P5 main character (9 years-old). Horror didn't come to mind till I saw other people call it horror in the review. But I was already desenstive to any horror by the time I was in P5. The idea I like, the excuation not so much. It's fine, some of it works. Someone does die in this...so there's that.

Solomon is pretty defined by his Dyslexia. He doesn't have any other characterisation. The story is told in his POV. Even the Dyslexia side is surface level. No one really does have much characterisation. His dad is probably the one with the most depth. The wonder teacher is unrealistic try hard. Also shows up at student's house which also how you know it was written in the 90s. Pretty sure you can't just take a kid out of his normal class on a hunch, even if his teacher is terrible and kicks him most of the time.

Overall, I give this book 3/5 stars for Rowan Berries. I think the dyslexia is really all this book has going for it. Of the other Carnegie Medal winners I have read, it doesn't match up to them. I would like this book if his teacher had Dyslexia. I felt like it was building to that in places but she doesn't. It's an okay portrayal of dyslexia and his homelife is the better part of the book. The magic part doesn't work. I would love a book with magic with Dyslexia or any other disabled character published in the main steam but this wasn't great on the supernatural side. However, this book is less than 200 pages and is worth a read if anything that I have said interested you. While I wanted better it's fine for its intended age group, not amazing but worth the read. 

First Chapters

I started writing The Novel, but I don't haven't put the bones together right. They all there, but the first chapter doesn't seem right and I want the first chapter to be right, because I can weak weeks in between that story. But that the first chapters need to dawn you in and hook you.

How stories start are important. Not as important as the endings or the entre worth of the middle. Because whilst the middle can be a bit wonky when you have decided to write a novel on a week to week basis for the internet. My novel will not be perfect. It will not proofread and I am a dyslexic who misses words in her sentences and writes the completely wrong word sometimes. I have literally, not noticed the wrong word for years. It why I always say in my "About"s that I'm dyslexic because I am doomed to make grammar and spelling mistakes more than a non-neurodivergent person (which it a term I like because it has "divergent" in it, but also because my things are numbers and it is still fun to mindboggle people).

The plot will very go off the rails. The characters might secretly build forts and not tell me about them till  over half way in. It will be thing that should be edited because I don't even have plan or proper ending to work to. I have a idea that want expand. We see where it goes. 

I'm starting uni soon and it has stuck up upon me like most things in life that know are on its way. They are only two days left in August. The schools are back. The lease for my accommodation is only a week from starting.

I went to do a test for Autism yesterday. The person asked me how I would feel if I wasn't autistic. I don't think I answer honestly at the moment, because the truth is that be a tiny bit soul crushing after all this time not to own that label anymore, to have find another one to explain myself to the world. It's been almost three years since I finally stumbled on to Selective Mutism and then Autism, with the Aspergers linking so much to me. I would probably cry if a team of expects said I was not. I might cry either way. I like to cry with what ever emotions I'm feeling. Expect happiness, it would be relief I would feel. 

She asked me to explain happiness. The only thing I could think was a lack of physical impact. Stress takes me by my throat and chest. Sadness makes me numb and wanting to cry at lot for no reason. Though, I think it's good to cry sometimes, the stress it relief is brilliant when you've been saving it and something fictional burst it. It easier to cry over things that don't matter to the life you live and can't touch your space, no matter how relatable the characters or the story is, which I love it when Cat Clarke has a new book to stab me with, because I needed the cried over characters that feel real but I know will be fine because fictional characters will always exist in a state of being fine, because you can find the page where they are.

Humans are not books, so our pages get lost, which is why nostalgia is thing even when we know things were actually great as a whole. If humans were books, we would all be massive series. I think my current book is ending and that's terrifying.

I am going to uni. No matter where I am next year, in whatever state with different labels and emotions always bubbling, new things will happen to me. I have paid a deposit, I will pay rent, I will budget for my life  with failures I'm sure. I feel prepared. I know I will do one dumb thing, one thing I'll probably regret and I will have to live with strangers who hopefully will not all be that in a months time. I carry expectations of failures because I am human and I learn to add it as writing material. However, I also carry knowledge that this is a path I chosen for myself. I have stumbled along the path given to me for the majority of my life. I have chosen what I'm going to do, not be limited with what it local or what my parents thought was best.

I am going to study and learn how to make films. I think I might be good. I think that I'm secretly aggrato and confident about my ability to make things. I'm a decent writer, I know I can do it better than other people, on several topics and themes so that something. I accept the basery that I have something of value to add to films. If I do it, that be up to me to keep walking and see what in the woods.

 I'm currently reading a book that ends with a prologue and the characters are off to uni. It made me think about my own thing. I am getting ready and leave, to never come back to this position. That's scary no matter how bad I wanted, no matter how long I've been planning.

I don't write with a plan because most of my plans get thrown out the window, some stick to the glass or the flame in somewhere. This will time it gets stuck. I think I should go before I start spurting about more purple pose about my life and thoughts. I will find out the autistic thing in month time at the soonest, that pretty quick to compared to how long it took me to get here. If it is a no, that will just another long battle. I'm so stick of battles. I think I might have a illness (not life threatening) but at this moment the idea to even attempt to find out, just sounds exhausting after the Autistic wait that's not over yet and who knows if the soldiers will be home for Christmas in that war (I don't know who the soldiers are in this metaphor, I want to the use the reference that says it might not be over so soon (knock wood)). I can only wege so many wars and I preparing for another one.

Though, hopefully I will gain some allies for this one.

Hitting Mirrors

Once again, you are not getting anything creative but overjoyous in the fact that I can now drive. That's right, I passed my driving test (also Shep is fine and came up the stairs to lie at my bedroom door. It almost like he was never ill). My test obviously went okay, it didn't start that well because my mind kinda panic reading the license plate and didn't want to distinct between the F and the R, wasn't sure which one was first. Ar...Dyslexia.

I started by immediately doing independent driving which was fine expect I didn't quite do it right and got minors as I didn't check my mirror for signaling and changing direction on the roundabout which my driving instructor had went over right before the test. I then packed in a fafe spot which I had never did on that part on the road and I did think I messed up by being too close to a junction which is bad.

I did a hill start in the exact same place as before but this time I did it flawlessly like normal. Though, the amount of times I practice it there, it should be. My reverse manoeuvre was a reverse park. I think I got two separate minors for this because my car did move slightly in the wrong direction which obviously a control issue. This was difficult because I had never practiced it there and I was put off with being on slight hill, it was a round hill that slanted the road long ways. Also couldn't see my usual turning point because of the way the passager chair was prosurited.

There no emergency stop but plenty of almost one when driving normally because everyone is idiot (including myself. I'm glad it done with and I can drive myself around now. My parents brought me a SatNav because I will get lost or go the wrong/long way home by mistake. It will be helpfully when driving around by myself. I've drove by myself a bit and proved myself a idiot but nothing dangerous. I just can't park. It doesn't help that others can't either.

I hit someone's mirror with my mirror. I was too close to their side but they had drove in sideways so their front was too close to my parking space. I usually avoid other cars but it was literally the only place to park.

I had a interview today but I don't think much of come of it. I guess if I actually get, I would have found out by this time next week. I mean I'll definitely given up hope by then. Though, the application deadline isn't even over. I said dumb stuff in the interview and don't think I presented myself very well because I suck. I do hope it I get because I'm available and want a job. Also making money would be great.

I spent time outside because my brother came down and we went to this kid friendly place as a family. I got my sister to get in the car with for the first time and I got IDed by someone who I went to school with and in fact older than but I guess his manager and the government doesn't know that.

 That's about all. I am now off to sleep and edit, in various orders.

Book Review: Capative by Aimée Carter

A character that shares the name with Goddess of my country.

The truth can set her free
 
For the past two months, Kitty Doe's life has been a lie. Forced to impersonate Lila Hart, the Prime Minister's niece, in a hostile meritocracy on the verge of revolution, Kitty sees her frustration grow as her trust in her fake fiancé cracks, her real boyfriend is forbidden and the Blackcoat rebels she is secretly supporting keep her in the dark more than ever. 

But in the midst of discovering that her role in the Hart family may not be as coincidental as she thought, she's accused of treason and is forced to face her greatest fear: Elsewhere. A prison where no one can escape. 

As one shocking revelation leads to the next, Kitty learns the hard way that she can trust no one, not even the people she thought were on her side. With her back against the wall, Kitty wants to believe she'll do whatever it takes to support the rebellion she believes in—but is she prepared to pay the ultimate price?

This is the second book to The Blackcoat Rebellion Trilogy, if you've not read the first one, I have a review of it.

Kitty is an idiot, nothing she does will ever change my mind about it. She does idiotic stuff at least every other chapter and it so fucking hard to read. Unlike the last book, there's no sense she knows what she doing is dumb and this time I did want to violently shake her (this sentence is reference to my review of the first by the way). The supporting cast should not be deeper and more interesting than main character. I think we might to have seen Kitty grown in this book, but I'm not sure she really learned from the mistakes she should have.

The plot while I interesting, I feel Carter gets us there the wrong way. Everything relays on Kitty making the wrong mistakes, which are often and she never learns from them. Also they is attempt at forshadowing in this book, but too obvious and with everything else just felt like repetition of the book's plot points. Also not sure how I feel about the main character's disability being used as a plot point, especially a plot point that feels seems sort of obvious with everything we told.

Also things that happen to certain characters feel pointless. Maybe there be a reason for it in the right book, but right now there doesn't. There also this love triangle thing going on, it doesn't do anything and really hope it doesn't just go BLAM in the finial book. In this book, the romance doesn't feel like it plays much into the plot but that might because of how distant I have became from Kitty so I didn't care at all. Kitty could have ended up in a blender and been turned into paste and would not have cared.

Overall, I gave this book three stars out of five for stylish jumpsuits. I really want to know how this Trilogy ends. This world is interesting, it just a shame that the main character is annoying. Hopefully, the next book will be less reliant on Kitty doing something stupid. It still a good book once you get past Kitty's short coming.

I got this book for review off NetGalley and it was published by Mira Ink December last year.

Book Review: Pawn by Aimée Carter

I would totally be an VIII.

Are you more than the number on the back of your neck?

For Kitty Doe, it seems like an easy choice. She can either spend her life as a III in misery, looked down upon by the higher ranks and forced to leave the people she loves, or she can become a VII and join the most powerful family in the country.

If she says yes, Kitty will be Masked—surgically transformed into Lila Hart, the Prime Minister’s niece, who died under mysterious circumstances. As a member of the Hart family, she will be famous. She will be adored. And for the first time, she will matter.
There’s only one catch. She must also stop the rebellion that Lila secretly fostered. The same one that got her killed…and one Kitty believes in. Faced with threats, conspiracies and a life that’s not her own, she must decide which path to choose—and learn how to become more than a pawn in a twisted game she’s only beginning to understand.

 Basically, Kitty agrees to something without knowing what she was getting herself into (not that she had much choice in the matter) and the real plot takes off from there. Kitty gets chosen to be masked because she has the same eye colour as Lila which is apparently rare. The government is corrupt (but what dystopia is not). When you seventeen, you take a ability test and results indicate where you work for the rest of life. Its I to VI, Kitty is gets a III which means she get manual labour and because she has no family she meant to be get sent to different city far away. It very dark world Carter has made. Nothing about Kitty life is fair. She finds herself in a family that just scheming against each other which might involve murder.

Kitty is actually quite smart but she can't read. It never actually stated in the book but she obviously Dyslexic which made me realise that I think this is the first book that I've read that has a dyslexic character as the Protagonist. I know the frustration of failing a test/not doing as well as hoped due my dyslexic nature. Running out of time before you're finished always sucks. Obviously, I could retake the test but also marked down for failing in the first place. I like her, she has spunk. I also likes the fact that Kitty might do something stupid but knows it stupid so you don't to shake her till she get sense. She backed into a lot of corner in this book so some of them can't be helped.

The characters that Kitty comes in contract after becoming Masked are complex bunch. She never really sure if she can trust any of them because their motivation ain't always that straight forward. There are some gems there and of course because this YA so there is three teenage boys involved that I know from the other reviews that they is shipping going on. Though, if you don't like sort thing much (like me) you can ignore it and focus on the plot (which is really good by the way). There is some romance but it not overbearing and actually goes with the plot and its friendship romance so it nice.

There's is one thing I don't get. Why is it a Prime Minister if there no King/Queen? The Harts are basically old fashion Royal family in that the oldest rules the country and has done for the past three generations. They do have a vote but it only ever one name on the ballot. It small thing, just why did American swapped from a president in the first place?

Overall, I gave this book 4 out of 5 stars for stolen oranges. This the first of a series and I'm looking forward to the next one which is meant to be out sometime this year but Pawn just came out so going to be good few months. I think it promising series and I'm very intrigued with what happens down the line. If you like dystopia or people swapping life with each other I recommend this book to you as it good on both fronts.

I got this book off Netgalley for Review. Published by Mira Ink. 

Book Review: Falling by Cat Clarke

I stand by that gay and house party is all you need to know. Oh, and Cat Clarke likes to break heart.

You're not supposed to kiss someone who ISN'T your Boyfriend.

It's petty much the first rule of relationships.

But that's what I did last night.

It's a hot summer night, Cam is having the party of the year, and Anna has big plans. Her best friend Tilly's come out, and Anna wants to set her up with the only other gay girl in school. That should take the heat off Anna and her own guilt over cheating on Cam. 

As the party hots up, Anna sets off a chain of events that will change all their lives forever.

A powerful novel about sexuality and growing up, realistically and frankly portrayed by acclaimed YA novelist Cat Clarke. Particularly suitable for struggling, reluctant and dyslexic readers of 14+.

Okay, I like to start by saying this is a book meant for Dyslexic readers so its very short, but still bloody fantastic. I also think that the paper is a bit different from normal book paper. Like slightly thicker and more yellowy if that makes sense.

I really like this book, there's foreshadowing and god the title is perfect in so many ways (okay, two ways) and want to go all English essay on it. Though, like I said this very short so I don't think there's much I can say without spoiling it.

This book does feature a sexual crist and awkward conversations. Having been in a similar (though not totally the same) situation, can tell you that is handled in a very realistic way. You can feel the awkwardness and I was having flashback. 

I really love the three main characters, Cam, Anna and Tilly. You do start to feel for them in the short space of time and you will care about what happens to them. 

This not a happy ever after book (but what books that I love are) and if you've ever read any of Cat Clarke books this is her typical sort of ending. I was pages away from the end and just thinking Oh no something terrible going to happen. Tears were shed. 

Oh, yeah, this book is also set in Scotland. It has no effect on the story but books set in my homeland are rare. It just mentioned in passing.

I might actually do a spoiler book discussion of this book on my booktube channel. We see if I find time. I gave this book Five/Five stars and recommend it to everyone, but especially people who like a little heartbreak which is the same with all Cat Clarke's books.

Teenhood is going to leave me

So I only have a week left as a teenager.

Maybe that why's I've been down recently, I mean subconsciously. Its the whole not being where I thought I be. However, I didn't really know what I want to do.

I mean, I do. I want to be a writer. Writer is what I am. What I want to be is: A published writer, one that gets/or makes money off their writing. I have ads on here but have never made off here. I make like 50p month off my Booktube channel.

I broke right now by the way.

So nothing about my mysterious future, lets talk about my actual terrible time as a teenager.

Okay, it wasn't all that terrible. But it wasn't that happy and my strongest memories are the sort of terrible ones.

My school career offically became a pile of crap. I didn't get to do the choices I wanted, never doing chemistry has really always haunted me and majorly fucked up my (first) 6th year. I also had the depressing experinces of repeating 6th year. I shall forever be able to lie to Americans about going to Hogwarts. Get it, 7th year.

I had horrible house teachers, that should know they both suck at their jobs. The teachers who actually taught me were pity good. All my biology teachers were awesome. English always taught me something and I can write a good essay even if they did just ignore creative writing.

I ended being rather disillusion with the education systems as no one ever gave a fuck about individual stunet. You either do it now, or fuck off because they was no way they were going actually try and improve you. I guess as Dyslexic with obvious signs of possible being Austic/sectively mute (I'm not going near that mess at the moment) High school was never going to be totally happy experince.

Generally, I was never all that happy in my current location where I spent the whole of my teenage years. I made few friends and frankly any one with brain eventually leaves this place even if they ended up back here. I just think I really need to leave. Goal for the past four years.

Cool stuff I did as a teen:
I went to Florida two times in that time. I saw My Chemical Romance and Fall Out Boy, I went to T in the Park for the first time, I killed a guy, I got half way through a novel, I started 2 you tube channels that currently have roughly 50 subscribers after like 80 videos on each; I went on the run, I have managed to acquired a what could be called a library of books (over three hundred); it safe to say I've read over 240 books taking to count I only really start to count since 2011; I've change my mind about what I want to do with my life at least 5 times; I own two typewriters and have kept this blog going for over a year (even if I have lied about some the dates).

So some of that was a lie, guess which. That right I have yet to see Fall Out Boy in concert but you know that could happen now that appear to be back.

So that 7 years of my life is over, let just cry in corner about only being 10 years away from being 30.

The Wonderland Ban (How to keep oneself busy till then)

Hi, guys, so in a much better mood this week. I now have a giant pile of book packages which is probably the best indicator of my need to stop buying books.

There's more coming too.

I currently own 131 unread books and I've included the series I own as if they were just the one book. As you know I own complete series which I've never read any of them (such The Monroeville Vampires Series and there's currently 13 of them). I didn't add the series I thought it was kinda unproductive as I need to catch upwith/finish these series as much as to get through my currently large unread collection. So it really the same goal as the books.

Sometimes like I acquire books without thinking. For examples, I recently ordered a book thinking it was the cheap Hardback version. Its turns out its over expensive paperback. I could have got it somewhere else cheaper and would have arrived soon as well. The thing is that it clearly said paperback. I was just out of it when I order it and slightly impulsive. So instead of a deal, I got cheated. Oh, well. You have luck with books and then you don't.

Also with library and recently ARCs, I borrow/request them without thinking about the time I have. I want them so I take them and then struggle to read them all in time. And I usually read three avenge size books a week.

Hmm...

So this brief brings us to my "Alice and Wonderland Day Ban" or Wonderland Ban for short. It basically means I'm not buying any books till my Birthday which happens to be the day that Alice is meant to have went to Under Ground (or wonderland as most call it). So no books till the 4th May 2013, I know how will I survive for ten weeks ( or two months, a week and two days) without buying any books. I even have plan to shame myself by keeping a whiteboard with the number of unread books I own (131), the days till I last brought a book (Fuck, that's like 70 days by the end). I also have pre-order books coming in March, so that should help and I need to save for important things.


I also my college stuff is rather mess (Yay, we going to back to negative, but true negative). I got myself in this mess. Something I've always done is lie. All I do is lie. So when I face with the question how are things going with the project, I just nodded and mumbled okay. In truth, I'm terribly behind and I feel like crap because my body hates me (when its feels like it sometimes). Sometimes it my own fault, I just didn't do the thing or went down the wrong road and should have done a u-turn. I also avoid things that I don't like.

I have realised that Moodboards are my emery. I will never like them, and don't get much from them.

It might be,  because I'm dyslexic and already a really visual person. I mean I already sort of see things in my head, hell I can even vision stuff I saw years ago. Its still all in my head. I can bring back. I only need a picture if I want to copy it in close detail and even then I don't want

What I'm basically saying is that I can form a moodboard in my head and have complete idea there. Another thing is it kinda annoying as someone who actually does design as a job, doesn't have time to all this complicate research and so far I already knew a lot about things that they made us go into detail about.

I'm actually going to be rather buzy in the next months. I've enter my novel into a contest to be published by Random House. Its only an ebook, but the price is still petty epic and it also gives me some motivation to finish it. Its the same novel as my June Camp NaNoWriMo or The Stranger. You can see the first three parts (Prologue and first two proper chapters).

There is currently a good chance I might be doing a theatre production. I'm saying might as I plan to go to the meeting, but I might hate the whole thing or something. So I don't want to go into details till I know I'm definitely doing it. Though, it is a musical I'm very familiar with.

So in summary this basically what I plan to do with my self while I'm still a teenager:  reading, designy arty college stuff; writing a novel to a proper deadline and possible drama.

That all look great on UCAS when I -currently planning to- apply to do English and Film.

So my four old self happy because I did go to "art school"; now my young teen self can be happy that I am going down the possible scriptwriting/something to do with film route; all selves are happy because I'm going after books and now if only if I can please the actor in me somehow.

Why studying English isn't for all book lovers

While I'm out of the country (once again, I'm actually in England which currently is technically not another country, but it is) and no guaranteed internet, I leave you with my reflection of the topic of doing a degree in English.

This was something I truly thought about doing, I actually got a conditional from University of Dundee to do Psychology/English, so why I am not at Dundee? (Mainly because it summer, really) Because I knew I won't get the grades to do it and was correct. Still felt horrible when I pressed the decline button on UCAS track. I failed all my subjects except for that lousy B in Art. This year I thought about applying to do English again, but realised Dundee was only place that would take me. It was only place I wanted to go anyway, but Art was also calling. Yeah and we know how that turned out.

I love books, I truly do, I love writing, I even love how complex the English Language can be, but there something about studying the art subjects that destroys them. This is also referring once again to my horrible art experience, by the time I was kicked out of Art I was ready to throw out all my pencils and burned all that remained of all the pieces I did for it. Part of me, still wants to burn that blue butterfly, even though it took me months and worked out petty good.


Back to English, I think tearing apart books can ruin them, I quite enjoyed reading 'How to kill a Mockingbird'. However, I remember after studying it I never wanted to see or hear about it again. Three years later, I don't feel the same. Still probably won't reread it. Three times was enough.

Loving books doesn't automatic make you good at understanding their deeper meanings. I mean, I have got better at this, when reading great work of literature. I'm probably far better than I was a year ago. Also sometimes they just don't have some great meaning, sometimes they just great reads. Though, most of my favourites do have that deep meaning.

Another big factor with Studying English, is that there no real path afterwards. Most need further training afterwards. I know, that I would probably do anything to avoid a proper office job. That's why science currently my favourite pathway.

My main issue with English is that I'm Dyslexic and I've only been reading for eight years and most Universities are not willing to cut you any slack for this. I probably couldn't get into any Uni in Scotland but Dundee (why do St. Andy want French?)  Its a great Uni so who really cares.

Its funny, in all the different course I thought about applying to I always end up at Uni of Dundee.

Okay, this wasn't that detailed, but mainly dealt with the reasons it wasn't right for me.

Dreams are my friends (But not Fate's)

Hi losers, due to parking and writing for Camp NaNoWriMo, Oh and sleeping, did a lot of random sleeping today: been too busy to write my blog (or any writing today). So based on my sleeping (three separate times did I fall asleep today), I'm choosing to share with you lot, the excepts of some of the dream scenes in my Camp novel. These are all from the point of my MC Fate (No, not that Fate). These are basically my favourites.

Dream One: 

 I stare across the bridge, fear fills me, a black mass of smoke is all I can see. It moves swiftly towards me, I want to run. I can’t. I can move, but I can’t leave them. Who are they? I turn to my right, I can see a figure next me. I can tell it female, but I can’t see any of the details of her face. She familiar, I know her well. It’s a new friendship, but strong. I turn to smoke; it getting closer. I step away from it. I feel something grasp my left hand. I instantly look to the hand; I see two figures in front of me. They are distorted, the smoke consuming them. Suddenly, a piercing blue light reaches from the smoke. I realise they’re his eyes. My heart swells as I look into them. I breathe in, the smoke finally finding me. 

Dream Two (I think): 

I stand in a forest unfamiliar to me, I can hear water running. I walk towards the sound. The ground is soft and my feet slip into the mud. They’re bare and I can feel the blown slush between my toes. I’m suddenly at the water; it’s a small lake, it’s really only the river expanding before narrowing again. I’m suddenly, waist deep in it. Its dark and I can’t even see any part of myself that is immerged. I duck under it, I keeping my eyes open. The water has become clear; the stones at the bottom of late appeared to sparkle. My eyes are drawn to speck of gold on a rock and I reach out for it. My hand finds it quickly. I realise it’s not a stone, it something coated in dirt. I begin to rub at it. Abruptly, the light disappears and darkness grips me, taking the breath away from me. It’s like a physical being is compressing my chest. I begin to panic I can’t get away, I try to move but can’t. All at once, I feel someone grab me, under my arms and I’m out of the water. I realise I’m naked, I don’t care. He turns me around; I catch his blue eyes as they fill with shock before he pulls me behind him. I look through his shoulders as the darkness leaps from the water. Its heading towards me, but it has to stop. Because of him.

“Leave Now,” he shouts at me. I’m filled with the knowledge of how to. I close my eyes, turning the 

darkness into blackness.

Dream I lost count:

I’m walking in a field; the yellow glass reaches up my waist. The sky was white with a pale orange tone to it. The world seemed overly bright. I see him in the certain of the field; he stands dark against the light of the sky. I feel a smile spread across my face. I see one spread across his. I walk calmly towards him, but my heart is skipping.

I reach him where he greets with open arms. I go into them, allowing him to hold me. Both our chests are bare; his skin feels hot against mine. We pull apart, but remain touching. His hands remain on my waist. I looked to the warm blue of his eyes, filled with love.

I put my hand flat against his chest, feeling his heat beat steadily. I feel an odd rumble and the area round my hand shins gold.

I stick my hand into his chest and pulled out a gold heart. He smiles at me and leans into kiss me.

If you want to find out if I finish this thing here my Camper Profile: http://campnanowrimo.org/campers/phoenixangel 

Also here the Utube channel where I have been posting Vlogs about this camp Experience: http://www.youtube.com/user/RachelVerna

Summer Came early

Haló this fine morning, (okay it evening when I finally finished this). Scotland has been sunny and warm. Its too damn hot and I've got sunburn on random points on my body from yesterday which has been reinforced by today's actions. Went to the beach today, it was actually warm enough to swim.

My Epic Beach scene with my dog Shep

My exam are over, they went okay besides coming out my maths Higher paper crying and losing a mark in Bio for not being able to spell Hypothalamus. Though Maths Paper 1 objective was okay and I had a stoke of luck in Biology. Basically, I was going did Section A of 2001 paper the morning before my exam and it so happen that the SQA have been doing some recycling as question 3 appeared in my exam as question 2. It nice to know that it got promoted, though it did take 11 years to get 1 question up. I did get right the first time, anyway. No more talk of exams till August.

The tent I put all myself and slept in 25th May

So summer has basically started for me and as I've said above the weather has match that sentiment so far. I actually slept outside yesterday because of the heat. Though, I was still woke up today at 8am. I had woke at 7am the day before after finally getting asleep at 2.30 am. I suppose it was good for T in the Park which me and most of my sisters are going to this year. My older big sister has been few times, but it will be my other sister and my first time.Very exciting, I've actually got a busy summer this year. Going to England in three weeks time and doing Camp NaNoWriMo this June and August.

Sitting atop a waterfall (okay, a very small one)

 Probably got all my sun for the year, as I'm not that interested  in sun bathing and did my exploring of my farm and played in my "pool". So lots and lots of writing this summer, with tons of books being read. I've actually started my main book attempt of reading the Complete stories of Sherlock Holmes by ACD. I've already finished reading Study in Scarlet and don't worry I won't feel the need to re-enact "The Finial Problem"


P.S. Hope you've enjoyed Eurovision so far and enjoy what little remains.

Exams: The Epic Battle or They're here, They're here, Study for your lives.

Ar...so my exams have officially started and will officially end on this Wednesday (23rd). My first exam was the hellish English, that mocks me so with my many books. Being Dyslexic, I take my exams in the library/by myself because I get a scribe. So I arrived early and was the first person there besides the invigilator. It was ten minutes till the exam was meant to start. The only other candidate had arrived, but still no one from the support base. My English teacher went to find out what was going on.  Anyway, it turns out no one was assigned be to my scribe and the other person's reader. It was fine though, just got a scribe virgin (a person who never scribed before).

It all worked out, I guess. I mostly did the Close Reading myself, which was about the Olympics how very topic SQA. Way to go, staying in tune with the kids. I suppose at least one of the Passages wasn't written by Boris Johnson like last year. I wonder if was to test to see if the candidates actually read the wee info bit above the passages.

Well, I think the Close Reading went well. The Critical Essay part not so good. I finish both essays with decent points. I think one was far better that the other. I think I've past, I might have managed that B. However, I don't want to get my hopes up. I want to put it behind me until I get that Certificate in the mail or that email I don't fully trust, but is always right.

I'm glad to have my hardest exam over with. Maths and Biology next week, both which I been getting Bs in and hopefully I'll be able to produce that Mighty A in them.

The day of my maths exam will actually be the adversity of when I started this blog to complain about how I was probably going to fail. I feel haven't been repeating bad habits that much, except for that eerily similar post that appear on my LiveJournal this week.  Though, that was more to do about my panic over the exams, not that I had thought I had failed.

I thought my glare would be warning enough

My best friend brought me this necklace for my Birthday and it just arrived, I'm going to wear it to my remaining exams; because I'm definitely plan on kicking their butts.

I'm off to prepare for battle.

Goodbye High School (My Seven years of Hell)

So yesterday was my last day of Secondary school and my 19th birthday. It made me consider what the hell I'm doing with my life; in the normal mental melt down type of consider.

Okay, mental melt down is a bit of exaggeration, but it did make me think about what I'm planning to do and the limitation I'm facing. I don't think it normal to cry on your birthday typically (when you're still in your teens). As I've wrote before I've had many problems with school over the years and applying to uni: this is where most of my limitation come from.

My problem is I can't really decided what I want to do. There a lot of things I'm good at. Art, science and writing. What I really want to be is Leonardo Da Vinci, paint and do sciencey things. However, the structure of learning now a days is more strict. I suppose it always has been, but people wouldn't be that happy if you just showed up at the dissection of a human cadaver now.

Going to do Visual Communication after the summer, but the more I think about it I feel less confident about the idea of pursuing Art/Design. At this point I feel biology would the better route for me to take in some form. The only problem with that is the best course are looking for Higher Chemistry, which I never got to take due to the school's meddling. Its always haunt me that they never let me take it at SG level. I would have been so far better off if they had just left me at my own devices.

I think yesterday episode was built up from stress over exams and everyone asking where I was going after the summer. My answer wasn't the one I wanted to be giving. As my mum keeps telling me I'm only 19 and I still have time to do what I want hopefully. With all that said, All time low's "weightless" petty much describe how I'm feeling at the moment.

So I'm off to study so I can hopefully pull two As and B out of my brain on the days. Also trying not to worry about how unrealistic that might be, but then how I have the potential as well.

Being Brave because you exist

Been randomly thinking about the situations we find ourselves in. I personally like to moan about my situation (a.k.a dyslexic writer and having constant unexplained pain) because it frankly occupies a lot of my mind. Though, complaining is my hobby, I am overly aware that things could be worse. Yay. Having met/came across many people who are in "difficult", unusual situations I have quite a view of this.

A thing that does bug me about our society is that we make heroes of the disabled and ill. Or anyone whose had a hard time and not just lie down and died. I'm not saying that's a bad thing necessary, but it can be annoying if someone acts as if it a miracle that you've managed to keep going. It almost as frustrating when people don't appreciate that you can't always be expected to follow the same rules as everyone else.

For example, being dyslexic it very unlikely you're be the world's best speller OR being a Young Carer its unlikely you're be at school every day or on time since things come up.

In my six years at my current school, my parents and I had to explain this basically every year when they started moaning about my attendance. Nothing had changed at home (for the better) so why would that?

I think there's whole lack of understanding, so you get people who think they're helping, being supportive and people who don't care to think. I think especially when you're born with something, or had to put up with it almost you're whole life you stop really noticing or not at all. Hospitals can be normal, pain daily life. It’s kind of like the whole don't know what you're missing thing. You've never experienced "normal", so you don't know what it’s like. Sure, you have the fantasy version and wonder "why you can't be like everyone else?".

When you have things thrust upon you, you either deal with it best you can or go hide in a cupboard of denial and self-pity. Often people need time to adjust and will eventually come out the cupboard. Maybe even go back in sometimes.

You're shouldn't tell people how they're feel. It isn't really brave to deal with situation you’ve had no choice over it; you didn't choose to run into the burning building of life to save yourself. You're frankly had to.

Most people will end up sitting in building that's burning, until till they do, they won't understand why you're just covered in ash and not the ash yourself.

P.S. Not really sure where this came from, I’m not really in one of those situations consider brave, but I do have a sibling that sort of is. I never really understood the whole “Brave” view people took. Some people will possibly strongly disagree with me over this.

Last Parents' Evening. Also Braces go Bye Bye

On this previous Tuesday, at 4 past seven, I arrived at what will definitely be my last parents' evening, well until I become a parent or teacher (lol). Last year's was in November and at that point I had no real idea I would be repeating, that should have been my last. Don't remember much, just telling my English teacher at the time that I didn't like Shakespeare which she may not have directly said it, but she was appalled by this. Briefly went on how about how great he was, how so many experts love him and such nonsense. I still think he's an English Git who wrote the first Emo romance and is a history ignoring Bastard. I don't think my opinion of him is ever going to change. 
This year one was much more positive really and I'm in a much better place to pass. My mother and I arrived late for our first appointment. It was meant to be with my maths teacher, then English and Biology last. It of course didn't work out that way. Of all my parents' evenings, never once have we followed the appointment order. Frankly, no one really expects to. Making appointments just confirms that your parents will turn up at some point during the event, usually well after your appointment was meant to be.
 We first talk to my maths teacher at 7.10 slot instead of the intend 7.00. My maths teacher basically confirmed what I already knew. She said that I hold a better understanding of the course, though she also once said that you're don't to know why it works, just do (roughly along those lines). I told her I thought I had the potential for a B (leaving my A notion to myself) and she agreed with this estimation. She also said how my homework didn't always reflect my capable and I let myself down with this. My mother and I had brief discussion how my little brother had been playing up that week and that was my excuse for the last HW not being completely finished. I also shared with her my current revision plan of coping my notes; I personally I think this will help with the Objective Testing part of the exam. I mainly got from it that I have to ask for help. So the same as last year.
Shockingly, we actually saw my Biology teacher at the scheduled time of 7.20pm. As usual, it was the best out of them all. She said about how I got a B in my Prelim and how I could easily get an A. She said I had clearly been revising this year, I just smiled. Yes, I have revised more this year, but in honesty, Biology is kinda left at the side lines mostly.

Leaving the worst for last: English

It’s the most frustrating, it mocks me. I want to be a writer and I read all the time, but it’s my worst subject. It’s also the only subject I really need to pursue Illustration, haven't decided yet. I need a B, all my other subjects I'm getting that. So after waiting for about twenty minutes to see my English teacher, she  somehow turned my incredible failure of a prelim into a C grade and leaves me feeling rather positive. She basically said how my Prelim didn't reflect my ability as I did much better in class/HW. She said maybe it was scribe (I'm Dyslexic and I get extra time and scribe in all my necessary exams); I told her it wasn't and that I wouldn't feel conformable doing it myself on the actual exam with my tenancy to miss out words and writing nonsense when stressed. I told her I had only been reading for roughly seven years, my mother and her preceded to go about it taking me longer isn't that surprising. She said I would probably have to retake English to get that B. Also how good my folio was and that she enjoyed my short story. When I said I did read a lot, she said she knew, she could tell by vocabulary.

To end the blog, just want to say that I'll be getting my braces off this Monday. Goodbye being a walking Grater and I'll be able to run my tongue over my teeth again. I only have my weak eyes to go with my geek chic.

Okay, lets talk books

In my opinion, which I'm sure is shared by many, books are brilliant. They have to be the best thing we've ever invented since basically everything comes from them or were at least helped along. The written word has increased potential of share knowledge greatly. With it, we can communicate to someone hundreds of years apart (we obviously can't have a conversation), we can spread knowledge at speed impossible by the spoken word.

Frankly, I love books. Whether fiction or factual, I can find enjoyment in them all. Books for me are the best thing in the world: emotional stories; a fantasy to escape to; wondrous plot; intriguing characters; millions of facts and information. All can be found in books, what's not to love?

There really is a book for anyone, even if you claim you're not much of a reader.  They cover such a variety of topics and issues. They're amazing.

Okay, maybe I'm a tad biased. I mean I do consider myself a storyteller/writer. However, take it from someone whose been deprived of books, they are something to be thought sacred. The damaging of a book is a sin; the mass burning is a sacrilege

All books have value, even if is it to beat someone with them (I refer to large hardbacks as whacking books for a reason) or as evidence of  idiocy.  I honestly don't think the written word will ever go out of style. You can't beat the human imagination. 

P.S. Okay, that was a petty pointless blog. Nothing else to write about this week.