The Realisation that hit me at 4.58 in morning (Oh, why must this war continue?)

Sleep is boring. 

Okay, sleeping isn’t actually the boring part. Its self can be rather interesting with the whole dreaming and disturbing oddness that comes with them. It’s the getting to sleep that the issue. I was inspired to notion of it being boring from BBC Sherlock and if you follow my twitter (@RachelVerna) or my Youtube vlog (all links can be found at the side) you will know that I’m quite a big Sherlock fan (working my way through the original Complete stories of Sherlock Holmes by ACD). While lying awake one night after many a night struggling to find rest, I realise that I just can’t shut my mind off. 

With the lights out, my mind goes into overdrive.  Every possible thought goes through my mind, what I should have done that day, what I need to do tomorrow, why the hell did I say that to such and such in the P6, Oh that would be good plot line or I totally think they going to have that in the next episode…such is the nonsense that comes to me at 4am.

And even if I can get my mind to go blank, then my senses go into overdrive. Suddenly, I can hear everything that going in around my house. Whether it’s the TV that been left on in the living room or the buzzing of bug flying around my bedroom, it’s enough to keep me up till sun rise. I end up getting out the bed and getting my ipod. 

But then the patterns in the darkness would come, but I always fight the unknown of the darkness and my wondrous imagination, by having a light source.   However, my imagination is too good to be conquered by something that simple and will frankly always win the war. I only take the humble battle most nights. I will caught shapes in the corner of my eyes that are suddenly something; I will create layered horror stories in the middle of night involuntary.  To think I use to have night terrors.

Even in my deepest need for sleep, these things all still keep me awake. Most night I give and paddle about, reading (don’t even suggest that makes you tired, if you actually enjoy reading it will waken you more) or watching whatever crap happens to be on at five am. The Curse of an Active Brain.

So in this bring me to the conclusion that trying to get to sleep is boring and most nights I wouldn’t even try if wasn’t for the matter that I’m actually having to be do stuff during the day. As of this Monday I’ll have to be getting up at six in the morning instead of going to sleep, all to catch a bus to college. I won’t get home until half sixish as well, I imagine my bed will be the most appealing once I arrive home. This will be my Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays for the next year. The Price of an Education. 

For those interested, the orientation day was as boring as I imagined and no I never talked to anyone which is what both my parents asked me. Also I missed out of seeing (in person) my Best friend (yes, Miss English) because of it. As the theme of sleepless nights has continue, you would be correct in thinking that my problem from last week has not been solved. God, I can’t believe summer is officially over now (in my mind it’s over with the term start). So Farewell to summer this year and Farewell to you this week. Wish me luck for college.

Sleeping Pattrens Gone Wack (The dread of Starting College)

Hi dearies, I woke at the delightful time five clock in the afternoon. That's fine when you take into consideration, I went to sleep at seven/eightish. I just have trouble sleeping at night, they something about it that rebels against the notation of at this time. As soon as the sun rises is when I feel tired, even then my brain won't shut down happily.

 This will become quite the issue since I'll be starting college soon. It making its self know this Wednesday and then I'll be starting next week. Frankly, this fills me with dread. Being all autistic like my bad arse self, I plainly just don't like change of any kind. I know I have to do this, it too late to change my mind about the whole thing. Yet I still don't have a clue as what I want to with my life.

I've sort of have the grades for Art, not so much anything else. Why does life have to be so depressing? Why can't I get my genius out of my head. I know it just as stupid as studying Art and don't have the grades for it, but god English keeps calling to me.

In attempt of fixing the whole sleep thing I'm staying up till a least 7pm on Sunday before going to bed. I shall get through by reading, the internet and cutting my own hair. I should be drawing, but fuck that... Oh, I've got to get over this stupidity. I'm dumb on paper and that's not going to change. If I had a goal maybe it would be easier.

Exams and No Longer Young (Carer)

So I got my exam results and I failed everything.

Okay, that's not true, but I wanted the opportunity to lie about my exam results since I was not able to do the fake in real life. Because my parents knew my results before me.  Thanks MySQA, though it is sort of my vault since I should have change the phone number. Basically, my father and I swapped sim cards therefore phone numbers. Having signed up for MySQA  last year and never changing the number. My dad (who never uses his phone) got a text message that contend my exam results. He open it, then went on to tell my mother and after I told them I don't want to know, they told me.

So you're thinking this is where I'm going to tell you, but I'm not since I'm trying to build tension. Though, probably quite badly. So my results went like this.

Higher Biology- B
Higher English- B
Higher Maths- B

To see me opening the Result letter go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZglF2qQb3iI&feature=plcp

Not that impressive and my mother persistence that it is, is just rather annoying. I have five Highers at B grade, but that's over 3 years which works out as being average of 1.6667 per year. Not at all impressive. No matter how good the sob story most universities will look at my grades and straight up reject me. Even if I had got five Bs in one year, that not good enough either. They want As. My mother doesn't understand that. They basically nothing I can with my Highers when it comes to Uni.

Glad I got a B in English since it was some what in doubt if I would get it.

Other big news of the week is that I'm no longer a Young Carer apparently. I knew you were old once you hit 19, mum lied to me. What I really mean is that I'm no longer part of the YC group. I went on day trip with them on Tuesday which I like to refer as Three Bs, Three bike falls day, since I got my results and fell of a mountain bike three times. I like the Lazer tag, though painballs would have made it more extreme. Rest of was just bah and pain.

I basically fell off a mountain bike at speed three times. Hurting myself the worse the last time. Yay for bruises. It does actually hurt to walk and I also think I might have done something to my knee that only coming out to play today. I did scape my arms a bite and I bruised my palms.

I've got to say I'm loving the patterns. I feel crazy art brewing.

On Thursday, had my last one to one meeting thing with my (former) link...support...something worker... Yeah, no longer young carer, so I take that means I can go around saying I'm auld.

So this week has just me feeling old and sore. The future looks so bright right now.

Death Train with what I'm doing instead of writing.

Hi, I'm off to watch the Olympics, Celebrate my sibs 21st Birthday with family and get blown up by Fireworks. Well, hopefully not the last one. This week here is part of something I wrote for Camp NaNoWriMo, but frankly is useless for my actual story.

Death Train

I step on to the platform; I look across the train track. There was no one on the opposite platform. I scan the rest of the Victorian Train station. There no sign of anyone else, but I know better than to presume that true. 

“I didn’t come here to play games,” I shout out, it echoes as though trying to convince me that I am talking to myself. “Fine then, I’ll just leave.” I turn around to illustrate my words.

A blast of wind blows behind me, I stop and turn back to see a train entering the station at top speed.  I sigh at the sight. The train of Death was sadly familiar to me and it only pulled into the station at nights where a great many lives had been lost at the same place and time. Their spirits would soon be here and it will only leave once all the tickets given had been collected back. 

It slows down to a stop with one of its doors. I step back and admire the great sight of it. It was modelled after the mighty steam trains that were once the normal. It was because these trains that a vessel that large was needed for land.  Ships sinking had never been a problem as no one was ever around to experiences the portal that took the dead to other side or were too engaged in not dying to notice.  The feel of death was known by all, even if they had never experienced it before.

“Hello Heroica,” I smile at the use of my ancient name.

“Hello Death,” I say turning around. He scorns at the use of his modern name. I walk to the top of the train. He stands on the opening door of the engine. 

“I really wish people would not refer to me as that. I am merely the organiser of death,” He says for the millionth time. 

“People have forgotten that there is an organiser of death,” I respond with the annoying fact. This was true for so many parts of the mystic world and it was only getting worse. People used to worship magic, but have replaced it with science, even forgetting its gods. “Why don’t I just call you D?”

“You have always ways call me D, unless you are in one of your annoying moods,” he replies in his serious tone, though almost friendly. You always have to be a bit sombre when dealing with death, so many people see it as the end now.

“So why do I get the pleasure of train spotting?” It fun to dance around topics, especially when I know it can’t be good. It never is when D calls. 

“The same reason I do,” he says simply. I stare at him for a moment trying to figure out of what he implying. It hits me when I see the first of the spirits arrive.

“They weren’t on the list, were there?”  They were clearly all young, which didn’t really mean anything in tends of death, but wanting to stop someone before they done what they meant to do with this live, it’s obvious to stop them when they’re young.  

“Yes,” he said simply. Sometimes I wish he would just spit out the important part.

“How much damage has been done?”

“Not much, there were a few potential protectors or healers, that “damage” is easily repairable. However, one of great importance was on the bus.”

“Is this why you needed to see me?”

“Yes, there a chance she can still live.”

“She’s not yet dead?” I ask cautiously, I feel a caught coming.

“In times of magic and modern science she may as well be,” he says slowly. “There is a spell stopping any healer, no matter how powerful. But we both know that you often play outside of these two limits.”

“Has her heart stop?” I ask, choosing not bother with denying my advance knowledge. I was aware of things that were not yet available to the public or the world of medicine.

“Not yet, but only because of Machine keeps it pumping.”

“Where’s the hospital,” I say sighing.

“Through that door,” he says pointing to a side exit, behind the spirits standing on the platform, waiting confused. I glare at him.

“Don’t you think you better start organising?” I say annoyed, walking through spirits felt so… discontenting. You feel all their emotions, sometimes their memories if you’re sensitive. Most just shiver and only pick up merely the strongest of emotions.

“Yes, I best,” He says plainly, not moving. I breathe in and make my way through the wall of the dead. I don’t bother to ask them to move, they won’t be aware of me so soon after dying. I run through them, but time moves slowly. I’m glad they only feel confusion, only small catches of fear. 

I hit the door to find it locked; I turn around to see D waving at me. The spirits were now slowly making their way onto the train. The door swings open behind me and I dive through it without looking. 

 Next week find out how my exams went. Results come Tuesday, 7th August.

The Ugliness of the Olympics

With several million other people (which was a challenge to fit them all in my livingroom) I watched the Olympic Opening Ceremony last night. It was a "Once in life time experience" till I watch it online or the best of the Olympics which I'm sure the BBC will be working on as I type.

I'm taking this post as one of my last chance to bitch about the incoptannce of the Creative team of the London Olympics. For anyone whose been near me when they have reveal an element of their effects such as the Logo, you will have heard this all before in one way or another.

Lets start with said Logo. I bet they thought they were being creative when they made this, they weren't. I am also half aware of the whole Nion thing, but I'm going to ignore that since frankly that stupid considering that it is just the year 2012 they've based the logo and you have to do a lot to get it to look like that. Also it does not look like the Nazi symbol. Though it does sort of look like Lisa Simpson giving someone a blow... doing a rude sexual act.
Back to my main point, the Logo is just ugly, especially the moving version. They spent £400,000 on it when a group of school kids could have done a better job. You know what I think that would have actually done a better job of inspiring this country's youth than this ever could. Also people wouldn't have been so judgement if it had been the result of contest. I was 15 when this was released and all it inspired me to was moan about the stupidisy of the Olympic organisers. Even though I hate it, this isn't as bad as the Olympics get. 

No, that honour goes to these Nightmare givers, the Masgots. I guess these could inspire the UK youth to get into running, so they could get away from them faster. In all seriousness did they get the people who design the Doctor Who monsters. Also I've got that to say Wenlock and Mandeville (that's their names by the way) backstory is as disturbing. Their single eyes are not eyes at all, but cameras and they're recording EVERYTHING. 

OMG, they live *Horror Scream*

Yes, I am just waiting for the Doctor to show up and deflect these monsters. Oh, Now I get why they do with Britain and London.

I will say this is where the horrorfling part of the Olympics (creative wise anyway) ends. 


As for the opening Ceremony is was petty boring at the beginning and didn't even realise it had started (had been watching the countdown programme while attempting to play Chess for the first time).  After the Victorian bit, it got quite good. I love the fact we gloat about the NHS, since it is something to be proud for.


This is where my lazyness set in, I will leave saying it was very British. My sib and I were feeling very patriotic by the end of it, and end up discussing our thoughts on Scotland's Independence with tears in our eyes, feeling like idoits. We blame the alcohol (okay, I only had one unit) and don't worry we're both back to our bitching ways.

The world we live in

I suppose this is a post similar to a lot of Comic and Film Fanatic (is that bad choice of words?), that are saying that the Aurora Batman theatre shootings has very little to do with Batman, because frankly it doesn't. When I saw the news about it on Twitter waking up, it must have actually been mere hours after it happen, my first thoughts were please don't let this effect Batman or the Dark Knight Rises. Not sure if that insensitive to the victims and their families. 

It's just I'm a strong believer that media of any forms does not truly influence people to do horrible things since these horrible things have been happening since history started. There may be different weapons or ways of attack, but there all unjustified. I'm not talking about "Acts of War", I referring to the terrible things that people have always done to their neighbours and fellow humans. In this century and the last, it has became common practice to blame the media for our problems, including real violence.

I'm not saying that media is never linked to these acts of violence, I'm just saying that a non-stable person who is prone to violence, will always be prone to it whether or not they subjected to violence in the media. From the perspective of a Batman fan, before hearing anything about James Holmes claiming to be the Joker, I honestly thought doesn't he have the wrong movie, random shooting is more the Joker's thing than Bane's. So I saw the link there. Even with that, The Dark Knight or any thing involving Batman is never meant to make the Joker appear desirable. He has to be one of the saddest Batman characters. Batman has always been about facing fears and standing against the common evil of the world.
 
I've got to say the saddest thing about the Theatre shooting is that it not shocking. From a non-American point of view, we heard about random shooting happing in America all the time, that in a lot of ways its one of America's Stereotypes. That they're gun wielding manic acts and those who ain't are all fine about it. Obviously, that isn't true and random shooting have happen in Britain but I only really know of one that is similar to this one and it happened decades ago. 

Sometimes it just becomes more apparent what a horrific world we live in, we can only do our best to prevent and purished these acts, but most improtantly continue to live through them. 

I'll still be going to see "The Dark Knight Rises", though my excitement for it has been tainted. 

T in the Park Recovery (Trips along the way)

Hello my faithful readers (yes, I'm kiding on you exist and they're someone actually reading my blog), so as I said last week I was at T in the Park. As so many have said before me, it was the best and almost worst weekend of my life. 


Lets start with the worse, because the worst part was at the beginning. To get to T in the Park, you have to walk. Depending on if you drive yourself or get dropped off and way you find yourself, the length of your hell will be different. Carrying all your stuff is hard and it all on fucking glasses.You have to take a tent, bedding, food (Also everyone brings their own alcohol) and anything you need/want to bring with you. This is why I suggest coming in a group. So you can share your burden. Also putting all your camping stuff in a suitcase is a lot easier carrying it individually. I actually walked this again without the bags, and it wasn't that bad. With the bags, the walk back sucked.

The Crowd under a grey sky before the sun burnt us all

We had a shorter walk of Death (as the T in the Park Vets call it), because my sib was disabled. Though, I think we went through the wrong place. I really don't someone in a wheelchair could have managed those fields.  Once we actually got to the line, it was another nightmare. Sure, at first it was break from the hellish walking and torment of heavy bags. But then people decided to stand up and try to cram to the front, before the Park actually opened. We got there at 10 am and they let us in 3pm. 

 Getting to the campsite was hard and putting the tent up was awkward. We eventually decided to spit up, half went with the tent and rest stayed with the bags. At this point, I would recommend not taking a broken tent that you're "borrowed" off someone. We actually ended leaving it, because frankly I don't think it would survive another night. Though, you should take yours take back with you if it in working order. 


The first two days were sunny (Thursday and Friday) instead of the promise hell rain, but it came on Saturday and left mud for the rest of the weekend. When I say Saturday, I mean it began at midnight and continued all day on and off. None of us brought suncream, so we all got slightly brunt waiting in line, but I was brunt red all over my face and somehow my shoulders. My skin actually began to peal on Saturday and the security kept thinking I wanted/needed pulled out. It has to be the worst sunbrunt I've ever been and now I have new freckles and a tan. Not a happy goth am I.

  Also some arsehole tried to steal from my tent, though I was sitting up so the idiot got nothing. I had literally just turned the light off in my tent. He actually said "Sorry, to interrupt up" I said something along lines of "Fuck off". At the time, I though he was just drunk and went to the wrong tent. I had actually seen someone with the same tent as me early that day. I realise he was a thief the next day, because he had tried to get into the other tents in our group. I didn't sleep well that night, but that was mainly to do with the rain and my sib vomiting.


The worst part of the weekend was that my sib, had to go home on Saturday due to illness. So I ended up sleeping in a tent by myself for the rest of the week. Wasn't really that bad being alone, being force to listen to screams of the riders and other human sounds of the night.


Now on to the Best parts, which was most of it. The music is obviously, it what we go for. I saw a lot of great bands and musical people, I missed a lot of great ones. Here are my seen list: Dot Rotten, Kaiser Chiefs, Example, Florence + Machine, SNOW PATROL, Jessie J (shit),  Two Door Cinema Club, David Guetta, Nicola Benedetti, Mcfly, Twin Atlantic, Fun., James Morrison (instead of Christina Perri), Bombay Bicycle Club, Keane, (start of and got pulled out because couldn't stand it) Chase & Status, random of wandering involving Elbow and BBC introducing Tent) and Kasabian.

My favourite was Twin Atlantic, they were brilliant and performing at T in the Park must have meant so much to them,considering it was their Festival (in the same way its mine). Their banter with the crowd was great too.

Some arse of T in the Park were: Example because he was idiot and encouraged the crowd to do things that hurt or prevented others' full enjoyment. You never tell people to do start mosh pits when the audience is fully parked and there's no bloody room; Nicki Minaj, frankly she has to learn that she ain't all that, because she not. I never like her music and now I don't like her as a person.

The atmosphere at TITP also makes it. There just a constant buzz in the air.  The crowd make it as much as the acts do; no matter how great the band is, it kinda bummer if no one else is jumping or air pumping for them. As a rule thing I think concerts in Scotland are better. It not a concert unless there a group of people chanting "Here, here, Here we fucking go" (another thing I liked about Twin Atlantic, was this definitely encouraged where Keane had no idea what we were "singing").

The group of people I went with were also great and drinking in our "Garden" which we had created by centring our four tents together, was fun as well.

Another point to make is that I didn't really mind the mud or the rain that fell and it was just part of the experience for me. It was hard to walk through, but no different than walking up a river or err...mucky field. I know my non-farm livers might disagree with me.

I know I promised photos last week, but my camra broke before we even got into the Camp site. So here some photos other's took.

So if you're wondering, yes I will most certainly be going back and the plan is be there for next year which is why I've been telling everyone I want a ticket to 20th year of T in the Park for the 20th Birthday. This is could become a pattern.

Off to T in the Park (CAMPING IN THE RAIN!!!)

So what should I write about this week while I'm away "Moshing" or hitting that idiot screaming next to me (okay, neither are likely to actually happen, but we know both are in me) while being the most sober person at T in the Park. Yeah, still don't get the appeal of alcohol even after drinking it and drugs that ain't prescribed are for idoits. Though, I am bringing  the worth of 15 single bottles of alcopops and a big bottle too. The weather is meant to be shit this weekend for it, if you're in Scotland/UK you can switch on BBC and see whether I'm being soak or not.

On Friday I'm going to just go covered in fake blood. How does that go with the theme of Fairytale Wonderland? If you know your fairytales you would realise that fairies and the Faye are evil things more than cutsy and glitter filled. You know they partake in kidnapping kids, murdering the adults and so on. I think I'm going for the evil side anyhow. Girly Princesses or fairy God mothers are not really my thing. I like reading about them I guess.

I'm looking forward to possibely seeing Florence and the Machine, The Blackout, Christina Perri, The Subways and Twin Atlantic. I obviously end up going to see other bands/singers, those just the ones I want to make a point of seeing. I kinda I want to go see McFly, we see what the times are (DAMN Clashes).

I'm going with other people so I'm sure they're be making a point of their tastes which are likely to be different from mine.

It should be a  very interesting long weekend, without any access to the internet. I'm not taking my smart phone or ipod. God, the journey up there is going to be a nightmare. Oh, How will I live without music for a few hours? Though I am taking a notepad and I will write if I feel like it (Ha, take that Elaine a.k.a one of the sibs I'm going with). I don't except to write much, but we see.

Yeah, bit of a filler. That's all been happening this week besides being ill. I hope I'm fully recovered by T in the Park time.  I'll probably show some of the Picts from the event, I'm taking my mum's old camera.