Isolation.

I haven’t finished a novel yet. I want to have that one draft done and dusted. My ability to finished stories has went away it seems. I thought, hoped that meant that they were novel ideas and couldn’t work as short stories. But nothing comes, no matter how much time I give it.

I still want to be a writer. I want to tell the stories stuck inside me. I have just got anxiety and that’s why they don’t come. The main novel thing I’m currently writing is a throw away. Dance Hall in it’s current state is not good enough to expect people to pay for it. I know that. The plot and the structure is all over the place. It’s urban fantasy with real weird world building, that I’ve been mostly thinking about for at least ten years and some I just made up on the fly.

Dance Hall is weird because it has like three version of it that lives in Limbo. I mean Dance Hall is such a random name for it. It only works because of what that short story was called and where that came from. Maybe because I’m writing in such isolation. All the advice is to join writing groups or foams and I haven’t got one.

I saw a trend coming, a trend that I had the loudest voice on it still. But I’ve did nothing about it. I’ve tried, very half heartily to write something. I’m trying to write something that captures that perfect isolation. I just can’t get it out of me anymore.

I can write so many weird stuff own voices. I have so much family drama. So much that creating family drama by fictionalising a family drama really wouldn’t add much to what already there and having to live through gives me the right to write about it. My family is so fucked up that one of us should write a memoir. Do you think Soaps are fake? Well, wait till I tell you my immediate family’s tale, full of irony and stupidity.

The not writing thing is kinda stupid. I used to write all the time and then I didn’t. That’s probably why it got harder. There were bouts of bad mental health (I have had so much stress). I’m always ill right now. I never seem not to be sick. I know I probably have a chronic illness, but why do I need to have a chronic illness on top of everything.

If I was a fictional character, the editor would stay dale it back. I wish I could be healthy. I wish I could get my shit together. I wish I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I wish I could live independently. 

Life isn't going well. Most of the time it isn't for me. I can't live in self-doubt. Random doubt basically. Going to keep writing and doing other stuff.