Saturday 28 January 2012

Applied to College (so what?)

As of last Monday, I have applied for two course at college (its the same college, though). Both are art/design based. However, I don't think I want to do anything with art any more, I think I just don't have the nack for it. Though, as my local colleges don't have any thing to do with English, Psychology or properly with Biology; its the best options as I can't go to Uni this year and I don't want to sit around doing nothing all year. I don't really need to go to college for Uni (if I pass all my Highers which I plan to do), it probably looked better that I did something. If I don't get in, I'll just work for the year and write that damn novel thats been in the back of my head for years.

It does bug me that I'm not going to uni (due to illness,family issues and my own idioticalness), but least hopeful I start Uni next year and 13 is my lucky number.

Wish me luck (if you want).

Saturday 21 January 2012

Family- Old Older Siblings

Had a double dose of Older old siblings. I have 5 older siblings in total with 4 that I refer as Old older sibling. Basically, this group are all 9 - 16 years older than me, while my Youngest Older sibling is only 2 years older (well, 21 months exactly) and we both still live at home. Today, it was the middle older sibs that came for a visit.

My oldest sister actually came yesterday and stay the night, while my Youngest Old brother (he older than all my sisters) has just came for today. They both completely have different views on family. Sis is very family ordinated while my brother frankly couldn't give a shit. He lies to us and visits in a three month bases avangly.

My mum would probably freak if she  saw I wrote this, but honestly it the truth. I don't care about my brother any more. He's hurt me too much for me to even attempt a relationship with him anymore. He criticized me for being myself. He basically said I was a Freak and a Fake. I'm not going to change for any one and I can't forgiven him when he won't even admit that he was in the wrong.

It not just the things he did to me, but the rest of my family, especially my mother. He been such an ungrateful bastard to her. Once, she went in hospital for major surgery and he didn't bother to visit her. However, if his wife family are even sightly ill a big fuss is made and its always nothing. Our mum is disabled and has to take painkillers every day. He doesn't even care.

I could really go on forever about what jackarse he is, but whats the point.

I said I would only give him his christmas gift, as this is the first time we've see him since November, if he got me something decent. It was only £2 Doctor Who magnet, it was still a gift I had brought him. He got me a purple hoodie with "I heart Vampires" on it. I know he never actually picked, she did. I gave him the double wrap, coated in tape on purpose gift and her nothing. Well, I haven't seen or heard from her in months after all.

I actually slept through most my sister's visit. Long week at school caught up with me, I know I see her before my next Birthday.

Saturday 14 January 2012

New Year Resolutions and Goals

I don't really have any proper ones Resolutions, maybe I guess to cut down on the chocolate. I eat way too much, can't be healthy. I have more like goals that I would like to accomplish. Four to be precisely:

1.To read a book a week or the equivalent (52 books). So far I'm keeping this, you can check if I keep it at Goodreads. There do this book challenge thing, where you pledge to read so many books in a year. (Link to mine ) If I do it it will be the most books I ever read in a year, but I'll be happy just to break my last record. Though, I never actually attempted to read a certain number in a year before, I've just been happy reading what ever I could get my hands on since I learn to read (6 years ago)
2.  To bloody write more, it feels like ever since I've wrote anything creative in a while and I miss it. I just been so stress and had a major case of writer's block. I've also had a hard time with keeping up with everything in my life, but I plan to stay out of bad habits. I would like have a novel done or at least near done by the end of this year. I also really want to take part in NaNoWriMo this year, I never had time last year. It be a good way of pushing myself.
3. I guess is part of writing more goal. I want to write some sort of blog every Saturday. No matter, how short. I just to put something out there every week.
4. I want to do well in my exams, I don't want to find myself in the same situation in August and failed all my exams. Though, I know I fell into bad habits again, but I feel my grasp is better than last year. I truly, believe I will do better this year, but I do need to kick my butt into gear.

So that basically my main hopes for this year. I know I'm not where I expected to be last year. I'm not at uni and I won't be next year, but I be in the positions to go the year next. I think the extra year at home will also put my parents at ease. They just not ready for me to leave and being told that I'm not ready all the time, I've start to believe it too. I can use this year to fully prepare myself and decided what I'm going to do and hopefully sort some of my issues. I know how life can be so unpredictable so I'm not going to stress so much anymore. I'm still going to try and aim high, however, I'm also going to make plans if things go wrong.

Anyway, it given me more experience that I can use to put into my stories -and hopefully a novel very soon-and by the end of this year and all the other bad years do I have a lot it.

Saturday 7 January 2012

The Joys of Dyslexia, Being a Young Carer and... Selective Mutism

I've known I have had Dyslexia since I was in Primary 4 (8 years old) and my mother was sure since Primary 2. Though, I never truly knew what it meant and for years I thought they were wrong since the letters didn't dance for me. No one had properly explained to me what it meant and what the symptoms were. When I finally look up the disorder, I realise it was obvious that I had it. I realise that the way my brain absorbed information and functioned as whole was what made me dyslexic or "Special". While I have over came the hurdle of reading (Though, I've gave up on the hurdles in PE), there will be stuff that probably will be issue for me for the rest of my life. I still have trouble telling the pasting of time; I'm incredibly clumsy and can't catch to save myself; I still to check my writing hand when some tells me to go left and I can't pronounce my favouritely, long words which is a pain in both Biology and English when I'm trying to show off. I also lean to the right and make contract with the wall often.
However, I can live with all this and having to always to double, double check my writing work. I have a whole bag of tricks to help me along. There are worse thing, even if it is tad ironic being Dyslexic Writer.
(For more information about the symptoms of Dylexia, this is a really good website:

Even within my own family, they are those who have things worse. I'm also one of the many Young Carers in Britain/World. I did have a had time accepting this since in my case things ain't at extremes and my story would never be Children in Need heart string pulling clip. I deal more with the emotional side and not having the same freedoms as other people my age. My mother, sister and little brother/nephew are all  disabled, but in almost completely different ways. My sister has been fighting for her whole life, having been born with non-functioning Kidneys. She was given mere weeks to live, but 20 years later she still around to argue with me and kick me off the computer (which is currently in her room). Yeah, we love each other and as close as can be.
She got a transplant when she was 4, but that's never the end of the story. She been on the blink of death and been times where she in & out the hospital for months. Though, she is thankfully, currently healthy. My mum is basically crippled and doesn't have a lot of energy anymore which makes my little brother being Autistic even more of a challenge, He can easily kick off and being around him almost always ends in a bruise. He does have his moments of loving behaviour.
As I said I'm not depended on too much and like most teenagers I could probably pull my weight more. My excuse is how stressfully exams and school is. I know, weak. Lucky enough, I'm getting support from the Princess Trust. It nice having to talk someone outside the family and without worrying about their reaction or feeling guilty about complaining.

I've also learn (it likely) I have Selective Mutism. This basically accounts for my trouble speaking at school and unfamiliar places. I basically speak fine when I'm comfortable within my situation and the people I'm with. For years my family and I, just thought I was extremely shy with people. I'm quite comfortable standing out from a crowd; for example having multi-coloured hair and wearing standout clothes...etc. I also like to perform and love singing (badly) in public. Finding out about Selective Mutism and that joke I'm mute has a line of truth could really improve things for me in school. Hopefully, it could mean teachers don't make such a big deal about me not responding to them. Having a name for something that just sounds nonsenical when I try to explain to people, about why I don't respond or talk to people, will be so much easier than just saying I can't/couldn't.

So basically, that what makes me a "Special" in the eyes of the school system and what I do my best to cope with. It does bring me down sometimes and I have fought with depression in the last year even, which was just so bad for my family. I'm still consider myself to be lucky and after all just breathing is a miracle.

Okay, that just too corny to end with. BOO!