Titles are Titles.

I am an Aunt again whoop and COVID is terrible because I don't get to hold the newborn baby.

I've been Aunt since before I was an 11 (I don't want to do maths) but this the first time there hasn't been something going on to taint the experience. Also this a miracle baby that my sister never thought she would get to have. So this should be a great time but COVID. It's an okay time for my family.

My dad broke his bed in a way that's probably not fixable. Also, he really overestimates how strong modern books are. My mother is upset because she wants a new fridge because it keeps freezing everything in it and all the shelves are broken. Did you know its impossible to buy fridge replacement shelves?

There's a lot of bigger things going on in the world.

Black Lives Still Matter. I am worried about COVID and wouldn't be able to go protests if I lived near one. I'm trying to be a good ally. Signing petitions but I feel like there's not much I can do. I did use up my audible credits on Black writers and finally cancelled Audible. I wish I was better with money so I could donate to things, but I am but a fool.

A Phone Call

Stalker called me on Friday from my brother's phone. To be clear she not an actual stalker, like call the police stalker, but she stalked me online and then had the balls to tell people like that was normal. It is not normal to follow people you know in real online without telling them. She had this elaborate lie about how she wasn't a stalker. Anyway, she is. I mean if she see this and feel the need to comment on this then we know that she is definitely a stalker.

So I was in my car, parked eating chips, so when I saw my brother calling I didn't answer because I was eating and I wasn't sure I the energy to deal with him today (or anyone on the phone. I hate phones) and I can't imagine a world where he calling me for something important. Probably some bullshit reason. I hang up the call.

A few minutes, he calls again, so in case I am somehow the only family member out of the actual seven he has on my side he can contract, I answer on speaker phone because I have witnesses to whatever bull this is, including our sibling who he has not called. So no clue what this about. Maybe I'm dying. Physically this time, not mentally because he definitely never cared about that.

So I answer, I say hi or hello, one of those greeting words. Does it matter?

She, definitely not my brother says "Verna is that you?" I don't believe she did a proper greeting. I could ask one of the witnesses but does it matters?

I'm not with 'Verna', if I was I would have let her have the phone so she can deal whatever bullshit this is. I mean you don't accidentally call someone twice in a roll. Bullshit is what usually arrives when I see/hear my brother now.

I answer "It is not." She hangs up without a word. How very rude. Not that I care, but you know usually make up a lie like I called the wrong number. Somehow on a mobile that is not yours. We end up discussing Stalker more bullshit, bullshit that she has done. Like calling my mother due to reading on this blog that I didn't like the gift she had clearly brought due to how impersonal it was and would expect my brother to know that I can't wear jumpers. Only hoodies with zippers. Like calling everyone in my families with lies as what I said at her dress fitting. I had meltdown at the dress fitting but I did not saying anything about her. I called my brother an arsehole which my god given right as his sister to do. I suppose it's my Fate given right really. But alliteration.

So I told my mother who got this weird lie from her. If it's true it's weird, but I think it's a lie because stalker often gives weird lies. I won't brother with more examples.

I am still listed as Dad on my brother's phone, despite it having become my phone for the past eight years, but I buy that part because I haven't had an older brother for the past ten. The part I don't buy is that stalker thought it was her Dad listed as Dad on someone else's phone. Especially as my brother has two father's. So it would be Russian Roulette either way. Maybe it is true, she could just be that self-centred.

My theory is that I accidentally called my brother, a week ago (actually I've checked, it was a month ago so extra sad if I'm right) and Stalker was going through his call history because she definitely the sort of person to do that. She used to often stalk people on his phone. It's doesn't matter either way.

Now as an adult I can see that my brother is in a mentally abusive relationship. Maybe it's suddenly not. One person mocking someone for their likes and interests is abusive, and does not make a healthy relationship. She also encouraged his isolation from his family. He's did shitty stuff on his own and has a messed up view point like you stop having family when you get married. There were reasons why I stopped being closed to my bother.

Well, I'm not sixteen on the verge of killing myself so I no long care, other than wow that some bullshit, on either of them. This is just a funny thing that happened, because she has publicly said she will never talked me again because I called her a cunt in a chat she couldn't see. She just so self-centred that she ignored me calling my brother an arsehole and a sister a bitch after having left the chat ten times. I don't think either of us are in the right, but I own my bullshit.

Surprise (actually not at all)

My Dad's surprised Birthday party was today. It went well at first, it had remained a secret for almost a year and my dad didn't suspect a thing. Apparently, more confused than anything. We're late, as we almost always are. It's who we are.

The DJ wasn't very good. It played nothing but bland popular junk from a year ago for sixtyth Birthday party. He played the music too loud. I don't get this obsession with baring music where it's too loud to think. I'm bias though because too loud music it sets off my autism. They must be a specific name for that trait but I'm not sure what it is. I know other disorder have that trait as well. I hate badly sound level music. He had the dance crazed songs, which are fun for kids but none of the adults were drunk enough to join in at this point. He then played a game that upset half the kids. He played the chicken dance, which from googling was a first proper dance craze in the 80s so many different options. Near the end of the party, he played more decent stuff suited to 60th Birthday party.

My criticize of the DJ doesn't really matter, especially as I do have an open hate of most popular music the past few years and dances crazes are mostly just stupid in reflection. The Ketchup dance maybe most of all.

The party basically proves that my family can't all be in the same room for longer than two hours. Several meltdowns and people who should know better. Someone would have a field day psychoanalyzing my family. Most everyone needs therapy. I know I do.

I had managed to keep my mouth shut, though I heard dumb shit that night (more so after). Basically, one of my sister shouted at my little brother for a full minute because he hit with a inflatable hammer. He ran off and hide, had meltdown. He’s having a lot of life issues right now. He’s not completely in right, but he’s also a bag of hormones that has been raised wrapped in bubble wrap by my father who feels so much guilt, which isn’t healthfully. Like I said we all have issues we should work through. I’m annoyed at both of them really. They both need better ways of dealing with things.

My dad then went said stuff he shouldn’t have said, because my dad has anger issues. This all happens when I’m in the car talking with my little brother and asking why that upset him so much. I get out the car and have conversation with my mum, who goes to see my little brother whose still in the car because I told him to stay there till he calms down.

My sister storms out, just as I’m about to go back into the hall, says she never see me again. I have done nothing or said nothing at this point. We’re meant to be going to see Wicked in May. So awkward.

My brother ran off again which I’ve told him already he has to find better coping methods than that, because people. Like go to the bathroom, not into a dark street that you don’t know. I call my brother to come back, whole much of stuff happened during this. I’m stressed out and trying not to cry because all emotions are connected my eyes.

I then told that sister that she should have known better and that I think its terrible the way she talks (or treats) her autistic kids. I was in a half meltdown, so I fucked my voice saying that, lost with two sentences. I do feel that way, but I shouldn’t have shouted that at her in parking lot (I’ve been told I shouted, but to me probably just angryish, I don’t know it wasn’t conscious choice to shout). Apparently, someone walked by and saw “two lassies shouting at each other.”

I know I did it because I was stressed the fuck out. Then my disabled dad, had the brilliant idea to walk off after my little brother was caught. So I went and got my keys so I could drive after him. Worried sick, I’m going to find him collapsed some way. I’m just glad I don’t drink. I drive around for half an hour, go to where we meant to be staying and he’s not there. But my dog is still happy to see me. Though, I have no key to say hello to her properly. Just happy wagging tail through frosted glass.

I go back to the party because I’m terrible with directions and stressed out so probably not the safelist state to be driving.

Though, tons out most of my make-up choices are waterproof, though still think I haven’t found the perfect foundation for me. Now, the gone for all make-up users. I never got to go in the photobooth so didn’t get my memorian photo. Parties ain’t my thing anyway, so I didn’t expect to have a good time, but I was hoping there wasn’t a incident that will be forever be a bloody thing.
Now I’m off to get a job in soap so I can least make bank off of my family drama.

P.S.
Hey, Cunt if you're reading, which you might because you are a weird fucking stalker that lies about it, the reason we don't think you understands siblings or people in general, is you think family loyalty isn't a thing people typically have. I know my brother is a complete freak, because I would have dumped you the moment you called my mother a bitch. Yeah, I remember that. I remember a lot thing you did, like that letter you sent me which is why I will never speak to you again. I have a ligit reason never to speak to you again. You're angry at me, because I'm rightfully angry at my brother and I was 16-year-old who failed my exams who didn't want to be in a wedding for relationship I was against and for a brother who didn't speak to me unless I told him he was arsehole which he was being. Then he tells my mother without having a conversation with me about it, like I was four and I hit him with a block. He never asked why I was calling an Arsehole. At that point, my hair meant a hell lot more to me than either of you did. Even if it didn't, what was the point of being Bridesmaid if I wasn't allowed to be myself? Obviously, it didn’t mean anything to either of you.

Sometimes I wonder what sort of relationship you think we had, because I would never have said we were close. The whole being like sister thing was weird to me, even then. I never said anything that personal to you. I did use you a little, which is something I regret doing. You wouldn’t let be angry at my brother, you often force you way into that. I was never that close to you so you were easier to blame for his behaviour, I know you enabled some of it. Between you and him, you got me pointless surface gifts that my brother should have know were useless to me, which is major insult to you for some reason.

The reason I started this note, because you said something about Autism and that thing you to said to my sibling. You said you would never speak to me again. As if you were the deciding factor, I mean maybe you are, considering I'm Selectively Mute and you'll never be worth the energy. You fell out with me, because I said my brother was an arsehole which he was, and I had meltdown. I read the letter again, out of curiosity, you're were always so deluded. The stuff about my mum really tickles me. I started crying and went back into the changing room. You ran away to the breach to cry. I wasn't going to call you that night because the lies you spread about me. There were lies. I said Alan was arsehole and that dress was ugly. I was in very fragile emotional state that year. I thought about killing myself constantly. I was surrounded by unhealthy people. The fun of being Autism and undiagnosed. I didn't have space for you and arsehole to be piling on to that, especially with everything leading up to that making it clear that Arsehole didn’t care that much about me. He might deny it, but that what his actions at the time and have continued to be prove it to be true. Towards other my sibling as well. Since then I've called you cunt, which was true. Mainly because you still had me blocked. you still have my mother blocked and she has did everything to try and mend shit. You’re are definitely in the wrong there. Is because you think I'm sad enough to spy on you? I know you do that through A sometimes. How else did you know I called you a cunt? I also called my oldest sister a bitch and Arsehole an asshole. But it had to be about you. Someone that wasn't part of that conversation, because you didn't want to be. I didn't want to be, that's why I left that chat ten times. Your name begins with a C, it’s as basic as that. It not personal insult. If someone I knew dislike me call me that, I wouldn’t care. I mean I didn’t really have the energy to deal with any of one at the point. I because I angry and annoyed at the people that came adding me. You were only mention because you couldn’t see me and I couldn’t see your chat, I also thought it was fucking stupid to have a chat with someone who blocked someone else in it, I still do. You want have phone calls. I don't do phone calls. I will never say anything of substance on the phone.

Partly generation, mostly Autism and Selective Mutism. Anyway, I'm Autistic and you're don't get to say shit about that disorder, because your action to me and my little brother make clear you don't understand shit. What the hell did you even mean by that? Obviously, I wasn't there, because I was dealing with someone else meltdown. You’ve got me blocked, so not like I can ask you directly what you meant?

I mean still kinda dislike you as person. If you want to have a frank conversation, fine, you’re probably don’t but I would have that with you. The main reason our direct relationship was dead, is that butt into things that ain’t about you. You have no siblings, so never leant that have to let people talk it though and Arsehole still thinks I’m four somehow. Maybe I’m 8 now. That autistic thing is especially mess up considering what you said earlier. Who tells one nephews that they’re favourite, especially when the other ones are standing behind them? The same autistic kid you locked in his room and took his DS off him.

Hey, Arsehole, you’re still dead to me. Congrats, you’re isolated yourself. I can tell you regret somewhat but won’t do shit to fix it. Mum cares and that what continues to be so sad about this whole situation.

Trapped by Family

I have started but not finished the next chapter. I blame my family who kidnapped me and forced me to stay at my sister's house. I was meant to be taking my brother to the pictures but there nothing he wanted to see that he could legally see in a cinema. For some reason every kids film was on in the morning. Ended up going for a meal. Imagine the horror.

I also have a lot of work for uni to do and not a free weekend to do it in. Busy week of stuff.

We're finally moving. Next month meaning I'm not going to have a free weekend for a long while as I'm going to have park hundreds of books and sorting the junk that has been complied in my room in the last year. Despite having a clear out almost every year, my room is still full of stuff. There is stuff I should probably get rid of or can go in the attic at least. On the plus side I can finally have a full size bookcase and we turning a too thin closet into shelving.

The books will certainly be fun to sort through. Though, honestly that should probably be the last thing I do, among dismantling my bed. Kinda dreading it though as I'm going to have to share a room and I barely have room for my stuff now.

I'm making no promises, but I plan to keep working on the novel and do the whole review things as I can't stop requesting books off Netgalley. I will type to you next week till then enjoy this random sentence I wrote.

I'm aimlessly walking again.

Sentiment about Dirt & Drool stains.

My dog died today at round 9.50pm to 10pm. He was 14 years old, so old for a dog. Lived past the typical livespan of a Border Colin by two years. I knew he was going to live for long on Friday, he couldn't get up by himself anymore. He wobbled down to the burn, but falling down only having the strength of his front legs. He seemed a little deflected. He wasn't eating and had lost weight, which had cause the rest of the muscles in his legs to go.

His brain was mostly still there. He was going sightly senile in his old age. He still tried to get up and go outside when he needed to go. We had decided that we put him down on Monday, if he didn't magically improve. Two more days so my brother could come and see him, instead of putting him down the first time we went to the vet today. But instead of getting better, he stay the same. Only being able to lie his on what ever side we would put him. It's been too uncomfortable for him to lie any other way for a while.

I missed him so much. It just feels odd that he's not here. I'm going back to the uni dorms tomorrow. I'm not sure whether that will be a good thing because he's only ever been there once or its going to be a terrible thing as the campus doubles as a dog park.

This month has been terrible. People keep dying, not just celebrities but in real life as well. Shep was up at the dorms on Thursday because my parents went to Funeral near where uni is and didn't want to leave a sick sleep by himself, but also wanted us all to go to Lunch? Parents are weird.

I still feel him in my arms. He had fit so my dad called the emergency vet number and we took him to the vet. He had a stoke and was paralysed down one side so it was definitely right decision. Mum wanted him to die by himself, in sleep but that so rarely happens. It wouldn't be peacefully with him so far gone. I think deciding when to let a pet go is so hard. Because even knowing their quality life was so low and that there not going to get better doesn't make it easy.

It was weird crying in front of a complete stranger when crying in a group. Being a vet must be weird and hard. Peting him as he dyed was weird, because I wasn't sure when he dyed though the vet checked right after I sort of stopped petting and he was dead. We getting him cremated so we can a little box of him because burying him would be too hard.

Of course, Shep's body decided to act out a zombie role with postmortem spasms and a last gasp (there is a term but I can't find it). I would have rather not seen that, especially with my mum still petting him. I didn't really want to pet him after that. Before we left, mum said don't you want to say goodbye, but I already had. He was gone, he felt gone. I did pet him and he felt colder, but still warm. I guess not right is the word.

My mum seems to be the one who took it the hardest. For me crying stopped being therapeutic and I just felt numb. I missed my dog.

Hitting Mirrors

Once again, you are not getting anything creative but overjoyous in the fact that I can now drive. That's right, I passed my driving test (also Shep is fine and came up the stairs to lie at my bedroom door. It almost like he was never ill). My test obviously went okay, it didn't start that well because my mind kinda panic reading the license plate and didn't want to distinct between the F and the R, wasn't sure which one was first. Ar...Dyslexia.

I started by immediately doing independent driving which was fine expect I didn't quite do it right and got minors as I didn't check my mirror for signaling and changing direction on the roundabout which my driving instructor had went over right before the test. I then packed in a fafe spot which I had never did on that part on the road and I did think I messed up by being too close to a junction which is bad.

I did a hill start in the exact same place as before but this time I did it flawlessly like normal. Though, the amount of times I practice it there, it should be. My reverse manoeuvre was a reverse park. I think I got two separate minors for this because my car did move slightly in the wrong direction which obviously a control issue. This was difficult because I had never practiced it there and I was put off with being on slight hill, it was a round hill that slanted the road long ways. Also couldn't see my usual turning point because of the way the passager chair was prosurited.

There no emergency stop but plenty of almost one when driving normally because everyone is idiot (including myself. I'm glad it done with and I can drive myself around now. My parents brought me a SatNav because I will get lost or go the wrong/long way home by mistake. It will be helpfully when driving around by myself. I've drove by myself a bit and proved myself a idiot but nothing dangerous. I just can't park. It doesn't help that others can't either.

I hit someone's mirror with my mirror. I was too close to their side but they had drove in sideways so their front was too close to my parking space. I usually avoid other cars but it was literally the only place to park.

I had a interview today but I don't think much of come of it. I guess if I actually get, I would have found out by this time next week. I mean I'll definitely given up hope by then. Though, the application deadline isn't even over. I said dumb stuff in the interview and don't think I presented myself very well because I suck. I do hope it I get because I'm available and want a job. Also making money would be great.

I spent time outside because my brother came down and we went to this kid friendly place as a family. I got my sister to get in the car with for the first time and I got IDed by someone who I went to school with and in fact older than but I guess his manager and the government doesn't know that.

 That's about all. I am now off to sleep and edit, in various orders.

Christmas Time

Remember how I said we would be evaluating my goals for this year, this week: Well, that was a lie.
I'm instead going to write about Christmas because, Hey Christmas.

Christmas has came and went this year with barely flecker of thought of the actual day. It's been more fuck, I need buy gifts and I have no money. I didn't really buy anyone's gifts in time. I brought my mum a small thing but not much else.  Only my closest sister and little brother got their proper gifts.

The funny story of this year is my mum somehow managed to give my own gift to wrap amongst my sister. It was this notebook and soon as I saw it I knew it wasn't for my sister. Having her got me this I knew she had got me other stuff in the same line as it. Such as a 2015 Diary that she already told me about because I had been discussing buying one with her. Though, it is a weekly one instead of the daily one I buy every year to note down my thoughts of the day but that has never work in the three years I've tried so maybe I'll just start using a notebook as diary but write in it everyday instead.

My other siblings except the ones we never see are coming tomorrow which was one the main reason I didn't feel like going over my goals today. I've also decided to sort my bookcase and really should be sleeping but screw that.

See ya next week where I'll probably do what I promise to do. Till then I've put video up this on my Youtube channel, its weird time to come back.

Book Review: Let's Get Lost by Adi Alsaid

Why do book titles keep reminding me of Fall Out Boy titles?

The road trip of a lifetime...

One girl could change four lives forever...Mysterious Leila, who is on the road trip of a lifetime, has a habit of crashing into people's worlds at the moment they need someone the most. There's Hudson, who is willing to throw away his dreams for love. And Bree, a runaway who seizes every Tuesday-and a few stolen goods along the way. Elliot who believes in happy endings...until his own goes off-script. And Sonia who worries that she's lost her ability to love. Hudson, Bree, Elliot and Sonia find a friend in Leila. But Leila's trip could help her discover something bigger - that sometimes, the only way to find what you're looking for is to get lost along the way...

This is basically someone story told by mostly other people. Though it is in third person narration, do get into each character's head and sense of them all.

 If you only read the first part of this story Leila come across as a Pixie Dream girl. She kinda is, that she blows into people life and shakes them up but she has depth and through the whole thing I could tell that there was something else going on with her. She also tells lies about herself so you know secrets and mysterious.

The plot is a bit crazy in terms of what would be the chances in real life of that happening and a tiny bit too happy ever after. However, life can be like that. It deals a lot with death, grief and the open road. 

Overall, I gave this book 4 out of 5 stars for matching interior. I really enjoyed this book and I liked the themes. The characters were likable and I enjoyed the journey we went on.

I got this book off Netgalley for review and it being published by Mira Ink on 1st August 2014.

Radioactive side-kick (Oh my Gosh, Fall Out Boy).

I really regret using the title of "Rocking in the Disabled Zone" for last week's post as it or a variable would have been more suited for this week's post. I realised my mistakes while in the car on the way to the concert. There was nothing I could do as it was almost noon and I did not have a reception to even to attempt to change it by phone.

The concert was alright. I mean who even likes Fall Out Dude which I imagine is Fall Out Boy cover band but I hear Fall Out Guy (that is what it looks like I wrote on the calendar) is way better. Now let's never take the time to see if any of those bands exist.

 The concert was actually Awesome because Fall Out Boy are Awesome. Though, they'd be more awesome if they found a way to mute Pete Wentz and chain him to his Bass. I should have shouted Blue eyeliner suits no one. I really miss a shot there.

So lets go my back to start of notable things about last Saturday.

 I killed a man named Bob. My sib wanted to go TGIFriday (even though it actually Saturday), which somehow turned into a family dinner with 5 out 7 siblings with spouses (if they have them) being there. It totally ended in a food fight where we all swore never talk to each other ever again and we all lived happily ever after.

Of course that's not what happen. I had a disappointing burger and chocolate milkshake. Also two weird slushies that didn't come with cherries this time. The starters were nice though. We started with two tables because there was nine of us and there only let you book eight people table. They eventually did let us all dine at one table, not that it made much difference in terms of conversation. I talk to no one except to order.

 We in confusing affair went to the concert with my brother who also happened to be going as well. It made sense as it costs £7. This is the brother that I think of as Arsehole, that hasn't really change. I didn't say anything.

So this was my first time in the Hydro, not in the very ableist packing which I've complain about before but it wasn't as bad as last time since it wasn't as cold. Another complain is that I think it incredibly stupid for it to only have one cash machine. I also got told that I wasn't allowed to bring in bottled water which fucking retarded, apparently it because you could hurt someone with it. I frankly want proof. It probably a money lie but that makes no sense as since they sell alcohol they have to provide free water of some kind.

The Disable platform thing was a very good few for seating, which was a worry. We literally sat right on the front on padded waiting room chairs that they shove there. We were in platform 52.

I brought way too much merch: Three t-shirts; one hoodie; a overprice wristband; a tote bag and a mug that appears I never even touch and I blame my mother. The reason I have three t-shirts is that there never had the right size for the one I wanted so i got another one but then I saw another stand and they did have the right size. So I brought it. Books and merch are my two money weakness. Other things I can resist but not them.  My Chemical Romance stuff also came in the mail this week, their greatest hits and t-shirts.

As for the story of the mug, you obviously couldn't bring them in with you as you know no glass allow into these things as people are arseholes and accidents. After the concert, my mum rushed out of the place through a different door so with the buzz from Fall Out Boy I never remember to go pick it up and now will blame my mother for it forever. I've emailed them about it but hopes are not high that I'll ever get it. You can't get the mug online either. I should have wrote mug on my hand.

As for the music, what we heard of New Politics they were quite good. Having sort of listen to their two albums I think they a band with potential. I will keeping my ear out for them. Get it? You know ear instead of eye because they're a band and they play music. I'm just so witty. We heard Harlem which is currently they're biggest song, on ad for Frozen and everything.

The Petty Reckless were pretty disappointing. Frankly, they were crap live. The sib and I discussed this thought perhaps it was because instrument overpowered the leadsinger's (Taylor something) voice. During their sound test, the drums were randomly hit and were so loud they sattle everyone there. Maybe if we had been standing it would have been better. Taylor was also doing this weird stripor dancing. I wanted to remind her that she was there to sing, not to get pound notes off us. It was just really boring and I actually went to the toilet during the last song of 'Make me wanna die' which is a fav of mine. They didn't pump the crowd at all.

Fall Out Boy were awesome, brilliant. They played songs from all they albums (expect their actual first one). They play two of my favourites from their second which made me so happy. I actually just love it. I could just sit and gush about them all day. Especially that Patrick Stump. I stand by my Facebook statous that I would marry his voice and talent. I don't know him as a person but I love his voice and music. I haven't came across a song that he was involved in the creative process of that I haven't liked. He's as good live.

I did have several fangirl moments, but how could I not? I did sing along to all the songs. It would be petty bad if I didn't as I've listen to those songs thousands of times. They did this thing were they suddenly appeared behind the standing and we were so close to them, which was great because people in the disabled platform don't really have the option to be the mental fans that get to the very front. It was also funny to see the standing just rush to them when they realise they were there.

I did film bits, but apparently I wasn't allowed to film which I think is kinda stupid because I never had a professional camera and some phone camera are actually better than mine. It the world we're living in. I promise that I will actually edit something together and I will start editing the things I promise to edit.

I've probably said everything that you want to hear about Fall Out Boy. If not you could always comment and we could discuss more of their awesomeness.

On the course saga, I have quit the course thing. She never called me on Thursday, so I didn't go in on Tuesday.  That all I will say on the matter this week but I will have to call to see about things.

I'm off now to do things like not sort my room and annoy my mother by randomly bringing up the subject of mugs.

Book Review: Bird by Crystal Chan

I admit that I have been tempered to jump off my roof.

'Grandpa stopped speaking the day he killed my brother, John. His name was John until Grandpa said he looked more like a Bird with the way he kept jumping off things, and the name stuck. Bird’s thick, black hair poked out in every direction, just like the head feathers of the blackbirds, Grandpa said, and he bet that one day Bird would fly like one too. Grandpa kept talking like that, and no one paid him much notice until Bird jumped off a cliff, the cliff at the edge of the tallgrass prairie, the cliff that dropped a good couple hundred feet to a dried-up riverbed below. From that day on, Grandpa never spoke another word. Not one.

The day that Bird tried to fly, the grown-ups were out looking for him – all of them except Mom and Granny. That’s because that very day, I was born.'

Twelve-year-old Jewel never knew her brother, but all her life she has lived in his shadow. Then one night, on her birthday, she finds a mysterious boy sitting in her oak tree. His name is John. And he changes everything.

This book is very tearfully. I cried a lot because there is some sad parts. I mean it deal with family and different forms of abandonment. It done very well and it is a good read. I could probably write essay on the themes in this book (but won't because this is a review after all). 

This is a character driven book. It centres on the family's relationships with each other. Bird's death overshadows everything and has messed up their relationships. There very much still in a state of extreme grieving. Jewel is very lonely and doesn't feel like she can actually talk honestly to anyone in her family. I don't want to say much about John (the boy in the tree) as it bit spoiler, but I really like the contrast his family background brings in comparison to Jewel's.

There also interesting stuff about duppies and generally spirits, like how to ward them off. 

Overall, I gave it 5 out of 5 stars for erratic rocks. It book that you will make you feel things and it very relatable.

Book Review: The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield

I wish I had a twin, though mainly cause I want to confuse people.
 
Angelfield House stands abandoned and forgotten. It was once the imposing home of the March family--fascinating, manipulative Isabelle, Charlie her brutal and dangerous brother, and the wild, untamed twins, Emmeline and Adeline. But Angelfield House conceals a chilling secret whose impact still resonates...

Now Margaret Lea is investigating Angelfield's past--and the mystery of the March family starts to unravel. What has Angelfield been hiding? What is its connection with the enigmatic author Vida Winter? And what is it in Margaret's own troubled past that causes her to fall so powerfully under Angelfilds spell?

This was a everyone was raving about a few years ago (and the BBC recently made adaption of it that wasn't that great). It wasn't quite what I was expecting. I thought it was meant to be a scary book but it not really. There is a haunting of sorts and creepy twins.

There is a few sort of themes going on in the books. It deals with child abandonment of the emotional and physical kind. There is whole thing with twins with two sets in the book. There are different sort of sibling relationships none of them healthy which is really the certain of the novel. The main characters are all sort of tragic and comparisons to each other going on. Some of their actions are rather questionable so you not sure if you like them or not.

It written with a slow pace and it not really a book you're rush through. For some reason I get sort of lost when reading Setterfield. I read her new book (and reviewed it) and found myself doing the same thing with it. What I mean by lost is that I'll miss chunks of writing and have to reread the page. That could be my Dyslexic nature showing but I haven't done it with another writer in along time.

There's a lot of book love going on. Margaret grew up and works in old book shop and Vida Winter is a writer with a library. So you enjoy books that feature books then this could be for you.

Overall, I gave it 5 out of stars for scars. Whilst it wasn't what I was expecting, I still enjoyed it. There a small creep factor. It well written books and there are some lovely (perhaps not the right word) scenes going on.

Univeristy Thoughts (I'm so lonely).

My parents have this concern if I go to uni I'll be rather lonely. I don't share this concern that much since there is always phones, skype, Facebook and other wonders of the internet. I mean there lots of ways that I can keep in touch with my family. Sure I might end up being lonely but I'm already lonely where I am.

Family is great and all however none of them really share the same interest with me. I have no real friends down here. Anyone I get friendly with, has this tendency of moving away. Most of my friendships have ended with a moving van (and no none of them were ran over by a van). I still friends with them on Facebook which I would still be able to do if I moved across the country.

I think my parents are so concern I do what my brother did. Sure, I do have a history of avoiding school but most of those times was caused by other factors. I'm applying for something I like, I'm not just settling for being offer to be. Sure, there is university that my parents would be prefer be to go to cause they're closer to home or other family members live near there but I'm not going let geography define what I do for the four years of uni (It might end up being 3 years of uni). Frankly I've already made that mistake.

My parents have this double standard of saying that worry about me if anything was to happen to them because they don't think I'm independent enough. I don't know if they're just lumping me in with young half of their children. One of the reasons I think going to uni would be good for me is that it would force me to be independent. I would have to learn to survive on my own, but in more of a safe environment than just randomly moving to another city.

I know there's not a lot stuff that I do for myself. I don't do the ironing because I suck at it and have no need to learn to be better. I don't do the general cleaning of the rest of the house. Yes, I hover but with 5 hairballs of pets that always going to be a losing battle. I don't how to use a washing machine, the one time I tempted it I dye some of my clothes and probably damaged the others. I also don't buy my own food. Though, I live in a house where food tends to become life for another organism before any humans get to it.

I just hate where I live, I guarantee that I won't be living down here as soon as I can afford to live by myself. Mainly, because there not a film industrial of any kind. Sure, films have been filmed around here but not regularly. Even in terms of writing, this place just makes me unhappy and there nothing here for me but depressing sites. I basically want to leave so I never run into someone from I know every time I go out.

I just hate it here and it feels like I'm always about to spill into depression around here. My parents bring up these points. Going uni is already a scary notion, it been 4 years that I've wanted to go to uni and I haven't backed down. I'm sick of uni seemly like a pipe dream. I know it going to be hard for me to get in because life hasn't been fair. However, I'm not going to stop that from stopping me for going for it.

I want to study Film and English. I don't care if those are hard jobs to get into afterwards. Someone does do them and maybe I'll be one of those people.

2013 Summed Up (and the start of 2014)

Happy New Year, we 4 days into this year and I bet it gonna suck and be awesome because that's life bitches. We brought the 2014 with food and blue liquids. Okay, I was only one drinking blue WKD, everyone was champion and that. My sib actually sat and drank a full bottle of Captain Jack Strawberry & Cream by herself almost. You're meant to drink it as shorts. It tastes like strawberry milk with alcohol in it. My sib thought it tasted like favoured medicine. So we both agree its a taste of childhood with booze in it. So perfect to drink a year away.

I also exchanged gifts with my sister one Hogmanay as it was the first time we had seen in each other in the Christmas sort of time. I gave her and her husband scales and board with words on it for their kitchen. I suggest he use it to weigh his head to see how small his brain is. She got me jewellery, M&Ms and £25 gift card for Waterstones which will be fun to spend on Monday.

So far I've spent most this actual year sleeping, eating junk and reading the first book of the year.

Because this is the first post of the year it probably best that I reflect over the goals I set myself  last year which were:

1. To read a book a week (one or two misses will be forgotten).
2. To up 2012 book total so read 100 books
3. I want to finish writing The Stranger a.k.a my June Camp NaNoWriMo novel a.k.a the novel I've been working on since I was 15.
4. To continue with this weekly blog.
5. I think maybe focusing more on Creative Writing.
6. On the other subject of writing, I want to start keeping a diary every day.
7. To read more classics/great works of Literature for reasons. 
8. To pass my driving tests. Need to do my theory and practical. 

1.  This was a fail, I kinda stopped reading for a while. No particular reason. Just did. I just stop doing anything for a few months. That life for you.
2. I managed to read 103 books this year. Ew, I know odd number but I did try to read another book before the end of the year. It just didn't happen. So I read little more than my target. I also read a lot of comic books and if i had included them then I would have well past my goal.
3. I wrote a tiny bit of Stranger this year. Just trying to make the middle fit with the end is hard. Like I have the solution worked out and have for years but having the characters figure out is hard when they so focused on their parent issues. This is why Orphans are much easier to work with. I know I could just throw the parents out the window like so many YA writers before me but that just wouldn't work for the story. Moving on.
4. Well, I am writing this post ain't I?
5. Er...no. Not a lot of creative writing happen. Maybe more than 2012 though, I supose not since I wrote out most Stranger during 2012.
6. The diary kinda fell apart during the time I did nothing for months.
7. This started out great but then once again fell apart during the months of nothing. Damn those months of nothing.
8. LOL. I actually stop being on the insurance and gave up my lessons in a fit of frustration some point in the beginning of the year. I had been basically thinking of getting a new instructor for months before that. I was just not learning anything and there was no improvement at all. I'm going back on the insurance and hoping to get some sort of funding because I'm Carer and sometimes my parents are too ill to drive.

Overall, 2013 year was petty dull year. There were no new developments. Some drama was added to other things. I didn't apply to Uni due to Panic/laziness. I earned petty pointless qualifications. Music was alright. TV was alright. It was just alright year which is petty disappointing considering how cool a number 2013 is. I left my Teenhood behind which was kinda sad.Twenty just feels so old and I could go into Quarter life crisis any day now.

I'm going to do this year's goal next week as this a lot text already, for now I'm off to attempt to tidy my bedroom.