Goals 2022

 Another year, still a continuing pandemic 

1. Read a Book a Week: An oldie but a goodie. Also technically failed already because I didn't read in the first two days of the year. 
2. Read 100 Books: Going to go for the standard due to the failure of last year. 
3. Watch 16 films a month: Might seem like a random number. Basically, my current bullet journal spread has a space for 16 in its basic form. 16 is doable. I watch to watch more high-quality tv as well, but that's a harder static to track. I guess I could count series or episodes. 
4. Get my TBR Down: physical books but I also now have a collection of audiobooks waiting to be read, as well as NetGalley books. I have calmed down but also stopped reading physically. 
5. Write a Review a Week: If I'm reading, I should review it. It's good for me. Also, Netgalley is a place that I still get books from. I know should probably stop, but the books are so shiny there. 
6. Write a Post a Week: You might be able to see a pattern forming in these next few posts. I need to write more and more frequently. I need to force through writer's block and just let things go. 
7. Finish a Novel Draft: I do have like six novels that I have never gotten to the end of them. I haven't gotten to the end of anything in a while. I have ideas that I think would work.
8. Write a Screenplay: I am out of practice for even a short film. If you want to be a writer, then you have to write. I am writing, I just want to write the same thing over and over again until it's a complete work. 
9. Make something Creative: Maybe a podcast, maybe a faceless essay channel. I want to inflict my vision on people. I still have video ideas but they're different from my older ones. 
10. Continue Bullet Journaling: I did this on and off last year again but I have decided on colours ahead of time. Shockingly, I would spend a lot of time not being able to figure out what colour I should next month, then not do it till days into the year. We see how that goes. 
11. Exercise most days: I keep meaning to sign up for the gym/swimming pool. I got a trampoline but it broke in the wind so there are issues with using that right now. I just want to have stamina and my clothes to fit me. 
12. Applying for Things: I'm once again toying with college and university again. I don't know I feel stuck in life and just want to do something to get out of this rut. It's so hard being disabled and not knowing if I could handle something. I just want to do things again. Work experience would be good. 

I'm in a rut so see you again next year.

2021 Goals Missed

 I guess this might end up being my only posts now since I've given up on writing apparently. My soul is broken. 

1. Read a Book a Week: I literally failed in the first week of the year. Not even in sprilt of the challenge. 
2. Read 122 Books: I read 68 books. I stopped reading for a while. 
3. Read All the Graphic Novels I own: No I didn't do this. Not even one of the books I owned before 2021.
4. Finish 5 Series: I only finished two and I also started those series in the same year. I did read five books by the same author for some reason. I could argue I finished 4 but that's still not five so why lie to myself.
5. Get my TBR Down: I stopped physically reading books. I didn't stop buying them physically. 
6. Write a Review a Week: Didn't do this one, started well but then I stopped reading.
7. Write a Post a Week: Ha Ha Ha no. 
8. Finish a Novel Draft: I've been writing stuff but it's all garable and I still can't finish a god damn thing. So fucking no. Not even close. 
9. Do More Complicated Videos: I gave up on filming. I took out of my habit tracker. Maybe I'll be come a steamer. 
10. Continue Bullet Journaling: I did but I also missed months and have to backtrack to actually finish the journal.
11. Exercise most days: The new trampoline broke, the exercise bike broke. I'm gonna fix the new trampoline and I'm not putting a new net on it. 
12. Applying for Things: I did but also didn't. Constant failure anyway. Major fuck ups and I think I have extreme anxiety or ADHD. Maybe both. It's some shit. 

I'll be back with my goals but I've been having minor anxiety attacks lately. Not a great year but at least no one died. Only kittens were gained. 

I haven't got a lot to say or do.

 I am now vaccinated and I had a headache a few hours later which is meant to be one of the side effects. I felt like crap the day after. Generally, ill. 

Things have been a dull, blur since then. Probably because I watched all ten seasons of TaskMasker. I found another thing to apply to so another thing to unnecessary panic about. Do you think trying to learn Gaelic counts as knowing it. Sure, I can sort of read the basics but speak or listened to it, probably not. 

I've been negating things so trying to catch up on it including reading and watching films again. Still attempting to do that project which I'm running out of time. 

I have nothing to say.

Delayed. Delayed. Delayed Once Again.

 I am applied to something real last minutes. Maybe I should have just left it. The more I think about the more I feel like I shouldn't have wasted either of us times. 

Do I have proof that I have been doing stuff for years? Yes, but that shit has personal information in it and just because you're not meant to discriminate against me for them doesn't mean they don't. I know I've been discriminate against for my disabilities, nevermind my complex mess of sexuality. 

I negated to finish writing this post three weeks in a row. So now have been rejected been for both things I applied to, and while having drastically different due dates, I had my rejection on the same day. Last Friday. 

Blog posts are not meant to be hard so I don't why I make them that way. I'm meant to be doing activities I enjoy and I enjoy no activities. Does that mean I'm secretly depressed. How unhappy? Yes. I have no fulfilment in my life. I miss the cinema now.

I know we have a vaccine but that doesn't mean things will actually go back to normal when they say they will. Maybe it'll mutant past the vaccine having any impact. The fact that so many people are such arsehole about social distancing. Disabled lives really don't matter to those arseholes. 

My main thing is a weird want to buy Dr Martins. There a 150 so it's not happening. I've spent too much money lately. I have to be stop. It's destructive at this point. Well, It has been for years. Anyway, I have a patron that I'm not going to directly link here. There's a link somewhere. 

Blue Valentine

 I've been watching several Oscar-nominated films for reasons. So many of them are so bad and made me question men. Also, I generally wish the Academy cared more about what they were voting on. Also the stories are so boring and same plot over and over.

With no women to be seen. A woman will be there so you know they're not gay. Heaven forbid that you get gay from two men having intense eye contract and bond like no other. A woman is written to be a sexy lamp that lets you know they not gay. The woman might have a tragic backstory but that backstory is for the benefit of man and plot only. Woman need no characterisation. The characterisation is for men only.

This were films made literal decades before, but still, these are the films that have shaped pop-culture and have thought to be the best. These films do have merit, but so many would be better if they took women out of the film, and just randomly replace half of the men with women. It might not make sense, but it would be a lot more interesting. 

Could joke that all love interests should be boring so their trope name makes no sense. 

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I will be celebrating by eating two boxes of Ferrero Rocher. Through a month and a half with nothing to show for it. Not had my rejection yet and haven't 

My parents brought a new couch which has been a thing. Couldn't get the four-seater into the livingroom. In fact, it ended up jammed into the hall for a day, which meant I was visiting by climbing into and out of the window. My sibling and I had debated if it was possible to crimb into that window. I now know it is possible and I have broken into my parent's house by two different windows. 

Also, my trama is impossible to be precise about, at least I have a lot of it to tap into if I ever do get a writing job and since you're not paying me I shall be leaving you now. I might read or watch sixty films in a month. 

Brain Stalled

 Why is my brain such a bitch to me? why does it do this to me every time? Why can't I ever write the things I have to write? Why do words get trapped there?

I finished the thing but it's not great. The words only started came after myself imposed deadline, so next time the fake deadline needs to be a week before the actual deadline which just isn't possible.I mean I start writing this post before last Saturday and here we are the next Saturday still writing it.

Another hing I'm thinking of applying for, but I might not and I have dropped the ball with college so far. I should probably just apply anyway, see what's happens. See what happens.

A lot of my projects have fallen to the waste line. That's probably not the right pharse. I have gonna back to one and I'm going to my best to get it out on time to YouTube. I have to film and edit it so might be a process. I was gonna film today but I felt tired and my camera is dead. I don't know where the charger is though. I think I know where it is but I could be wrong. I've found it tomorrow. 

I'm sure I'm gonna rejected from the thing I did apply for but I'm still full of the axiety of what if. It's long short and I'm sure better applicates will have applied. I could have bullshit better and I didn't because my brain didn't want do the work.

Oh, well. 

How do I improved a system that I have no first hand knowledge?

 Why is so hard to find examples of C.V.s for the very specific job/programme I'm applying for? Also, do I write a cover letter. How do I write a cover letter?

Also, why do end up just wanting to point of the Ableism that these companies have partaken in? Why does everyone have to be so ableist?

I saw a clip of the Sia the Ableist Musical. It involves restaining someone having a meltdown for no reason, never mind that method has killed people. Honestly, fuck Neurotypical comfort. Be embarrassed by your kids, that says more about you than the kid. 

I also decided to watch 'The Night Clerk' which in a shocking turn of events is also bad. Not the worst thing I've ever seen but still...neurotypicals shouldn't be allowed to make media about us anymore. Now to watch Loop, let's see if Pixar is better. 

Doesn't use the word Autistic in the short, therefore it does not count as rep despite using traits and Autism Self Advocacy Network.  Okay, it's clearly showing Autism in the character's traits and title credit is similar to the rainbow infinite sign and uses a non-verbal autistic girl to voice the character. It's actually a good portrayal of an Autistic person. Actually, show the causes of a meltdown. 

Doesn't use the word autistic which is usually a major markdown on how I show the portrayals, but it is a short. If it was a TV show, it would not get a pass. TV shows have no excuse to reveal their character's deals. You say it or you officially fail. 

Frankly, we could be here all day with coded characters. Very popular in police shows. Jesus the amount of coded autistic characters in crime is a lot. Maybe someday they have the guts to use the actual word then it's not rep. 

I should probably put these thoughts into application. Time is always moving. 

To Be Writing Again.

I've been listening to a lot of music and writing again, its all thanks to Hannibal and Hannibal vampire AU fanfiction. I would like more Hannibal vampire but instead of writing that, I will work on my own abandoned fiction. Yes, it's Dance Hall I'm working on. It still lives...for now.

It has an actual plot now...sort of. Don't expert chapters, if you've been lurking on here for years, desperate for the ending. Well, it never had ending till now. That's right I have written the ending. I know how this book definitely ends. 

I have started writing a sequel. Ideas of conversation come to me more than the plot of the book. I just want to discuss the morality of vampires, and sometimes that morality can only be discussed with a character that doesn't belong in the first book. 

The middle of the first book is empty and I will need a big rewrite. The rewrite is pointless without having that middle figured out. I have an idea of things that going to happen. I have a rough family tree, though, there are several characters I need to name and possible rename. I have a character called Lix and I don't know if that was an actual name or random letters that I assigned to that character. 

I have two applications to fill in that ask me questions that should be easy to answer but don't want to leave my brain. It asks my recently favourite TV show. I keep a note of all the shows I've watched and I know it's Hannibal. I was even writing random essays notes about the show before I was asked that question and now I have no thoughts. 

Asking my least favourite being hard at least make sense because I didn't finish watching those episodes. Of the things I did finish watching, the Alienist season 2 was my least favourite. Part of me is tempted to go with the non-fiction stuff I watched recently since that most likely the most relevant to the thing I'm applying for. Maybe one of each. 

I do watch non-fiction, it's just random cooking/baking shows...and true crime. I mean watched a TV true-crime documentary today. It wasn't very good, but it was made to accompany a TV dramatisation so it was never meant to be a standalone thing. 

These things shouldn't be hard, as I write constantly about things I like and dislike. I criticise and write the reasons. I know why I like things but put in words where someone will definitely read it. That is hard in my brain. 

Hannibal is good in it's shooting and casting. The hash light is great, I love it.

Hannibal is good in the writing it steals from Harris. The adapting is interesting.

Hannibal is bad in that the final season, is actually 2 seasons split into one.

Hannibal is bad because the lack of character and relationship developments in the first season while trying to tell us Abby is important (which probably because there's nothing to adapt Abby from beside her first scene). Yeah, Will, Hannibal and Jack Crawford are the stars, but more has to be done than daughter surrogacy. There's not even a scene between Abigal and Will while discussing Will being too close to her. 

Hannibal is bad in that doesn't understand that a character saying something, rather than thinking of them changes that meaning. 

Hannibal is bad in that its showrunner doesn't understand tropes but tries to address to them. Someone tell Bryan Fuller that Fridging is where you kill a woman for the sake of a man's development, not about violence being done to woman in general. Fridging is a very specific trope and there are websites dedicated to explaining that trope. 

Hannibal is good in it's a rom-com where a cannibal convinces an FBI professor to run away off with him and somehow convinces the audience (me) while watching it that was the best option for everyone, except Jack Crawford, but Jack has played loose with the lives and mental state of those he leads so Jack can lose this one. 

See I can write about it. There's a word I want, but I can't find it in my head enough to even go hunting for it. Maybe it will come to me.

The other thing I'm applying for is more insane but I don't want to talk about it. 

I'm going to write about things, like a book I didn't like much.