I haven't got a lot to say or do.

 I am now vaccinated and I had a headache a few hours later which is meant to be one of the side effects. I felt like crap the day after. Generally, ill. 

Things have been a dull, blur since then. Probably because I watched all ten seasons of TaskMasker. I found another thing to apply to so another thing to unnecessary panic about. Do you think trying to learn Gaelic counts as knowing it. Sure, I can sort of read the basics but speak or listened to it, probably not. 

I've been negating things so trying to catch up on it including reading and watching films again. Still attempting to do that project which I'm running out of time. 

I have nothing to say.

Delayed. Delayed. Delayed Once Again.

 I am applied to something real last minutes. Maybe I should have just left it. The more I think about the more I feel like I shouldn't have wasted either of us times. 

Do I have proof that I have been doing stuff for years? Yes, but that shit has personal information in it and just because you're not meant to discriminate against me for them doesn't mean they don't. I know I've been discriminate against for my disabilities, nevermind my complex mess of sexuality. 

I negated to finish writing this post three weeks in a row. So now have been rejected been for both things I applied to, and while having drastically different due dates, I had my rejection on the same day. Last Friday. 

Blog posts are not meant to be hard so I don't why I make them that way. I'm meant to be doing activities I enjoy and I enjoy no activities. Does that mean I'm secretly depressed. How unhappy? Yes. I have no fulfilment in my life. I miss the cinema now.

I know we have a vaccine but that doesn't mean things will actually go back to normal when they say they will. Maybe it'll mutant past the vaccine having any impact. The fact that so many people are such arsehole about social distancing. Disabled lives really don't matter to those arseholes. 

My main thing is a weird want to buy Dr Martins. There a 150 so it's not happening. I've spent too much money lately. I have to be stop. It's destructive at this point. Well, It has been for years. Anyway, I have a patron that I'm not going to directly link here. There's a link somewhere. 

Blue Valentine

 I've been watching several Oscar-nominated films for reasons. So many of them are so bad and made me question men. Also, I generally wish the Academy cared more about what they were voting on. Also the stories are so boring and same plot over and over.

With no women to be seen. A woman will be there so you know they're not gay. Heaven forbid that you get gay from two men having intense eye contract and bond like no other. A woman is written to be a sexy lamp that lets you know they not gay. The woman might have a tragic backstory but that backstory is for the benefit of man and plot only. Woman need no characterisation. The characterisation is for men only.

This were films made literal decades before, but still, these are the films that have shaped pop-culture and have thought to be the best. These films do have merit, but so many would be better if they took women out of the film, and just randomly replace half of the men with women. It might not make sense, but it would be a lot more interesting. 

Could joke that all love interests should be boring so their trope name makes no sense. 

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I will be celebrating by eating two boxes of Ferrero Rocher. Through a month and a half with nothing to show for it. Not had my rejection yet and haven't 

My parents brought a new couch which has been a thing. Couldn't get the four-seater into the livingroom. In fact, it ended up jammed into the hall for a day, which meant I was visiting by climbing into and out of the window. My sibling and I had debated if it was possible to crimb into that window. I now know it is possible and I have broken into my parent's house by two different windows. 

Also, my trama is impossible to be precise about, at least I have a lot of it to tap into if I ever do get a writing job and since you're not paying me I shall be leaving you now. I might read or watch sixty films in a month. 

Brain Stalled

 Why is my brain such a bitch to me? why does it do this to me every time? Why can't I ever write the things I have to write? Why do words get trapped there?

I finished the thing but it's not great. The words only started came after myself imposed deadline, so next time the fake deadline needs to be a week before the actual deadline which just isn't possible.I mean I start writing this post before last Saturday and here we are the next Saturday still writing it.

Another hing I'm thinking of applying for, but I might not and I have dropped the ball with college so far. I should probably just apply anyway, see what's happens. See what happens.

A lot of my projects have fallen to the waste line. That's probably not the right pharse. I have gonna back to one and I'm going to my best to get it out on time to YouTube. I have to film and edit it so might be a process. I was gonna film today but I felt tired and my camera is dead. I don't know where the charger is though. I think I know where it is but I could be wrong. I've found it tomorrow. 

I'm sure I'm gonna rejected from the thing I did apply for but I'm still full of the axiety of what if. It's long short and I'm sure better applicates will have applied. I could have bullshit better and I didn't because my brain didn't want do the work.

Oh, well. 

How do I improved a system that I have no first hand knowledge?

 Why is so hard to find examples of C.V.s for the very specific job/programme I'm applying for? Also, do I write a cover letter. How do I write a cover letter?

Also, why do end up just wanting to point of the Ableism that these companies have partaken in? Why does everyone have to be so ableist?

I saw a clip of the Sia the Ableist Musical. It involves restaining someone having a meltdown for no reason, never mind that method has killed people. Honestly, fuck Neurotypical comfort. Be embarrassed by your kids, that says more about you than the kid. 

I also decided to watch 'The Night Clerk' which in a shocking turn of events is also bad. Not the worst thing I've ever seen but still...neurotypicals shouldn't be allowed to make media about us anymore. Now to watch Loop, let's see if Pixar is better. 

Doesn't use the word Autistic in the short, therefore it does not count as rep despite using traits and Autism Self Advocacy Network.  Okay, it's clearly showing Autism in the character's traits and title credit is similar to the rainbow infinite sign and uses a non-verbal autistic girl to voice the character. It's actually a good portrayal of an Autistic person. Actually, show the causes of a meltdown. 

Doesn't use the word autistic which is usually a major markdown on how I show the portrayals, but it is a short. If it was a TV show, it would not get a pass. TV shows have no excuse to reveal their character's deals. You say it or you officially fail. 

Frankly, we could be here all day with coded characters. Very popular in police shows. Jesus the amount of coded autistic characters in crime is a lot. Maybe someday they have the guts to use the actual word then it's not rep. 

I should probably put these thoughts into application. Time is always moving. 

To Be Writing Again.

I've been listening to a lot of music and writing again, its all thanks to Hannibal and Hannibal vampire AU fanfiction. I would like more Hannibal vampire but instead of writing that, I will work on my own abandoned fiction. Yes, it's Dance Hall I'm working on. It still lives...for now.

It has an actual plot now...sort of. Don't expert chapters, if you've been lurking on here for years, desperate for the ending. Well, it never had ending till now. That's right I have written the ending. I know how this book definitely ends. 

I have started writing a sequel. Ideas of conversation come to me more than the plot of the book. I just want to discuss the morality of vampires, and sometimes that morality can only be discussed with a character that doesn't belong in the first book. 

The middle of the first book is empty and I will need a big rewrite. The rewrite is pointless without having that middle figured out. I have an idea of things that going to happen. I have a rough family tree, though, there are several characters I need to name and possible rename. I have a character called Lix and I don't know if that was an actual name or random letters that I assigned to that character. 

I have two applications to fill in that ask me questions that should be easy to answer but don't want to leave my brain. It asks my recently favourite TV show. I keep a note of all the shows I've watched and I know it's Hannibal. I was even writing random essays notes about the show before I was asked that question and now I have no thoughts. 

Asking my least favourite being hard at least make sense because I didn't finish watching those episodes. Of the things I did finish watching, the Alienist season 2 was my least favourite. Part of me is tempted to go with the non-fiction stuff I watched recently since that most likely the most relevant to the thing I'm applying for. Maybe one of each. 

I do watch non-fiction, it's just random cooking/baking shows...and true crime. I mean watched a TV true-crime documentary today. It wasn't very good, but it was made to accompany a TV dramatisation so it was never meant to be a standalone thing. 

These things shouldn't be hard, as I write constantly about things I like and dislike. I criticise and write the reasons. I know why I like things but put in words where someone will definitely read it. That is hard in my brain. 

Hannibal is good in it's shooting and casting. The hash light is great, I love it.

Hannibal is good in the writing it steals from Harris. The adapting is interesting.

Hannibal is bad in that the final season, is actually 2 seasons split into one.

Hannibal is bad because the lack of character and relationship developments in the first season while trying to tell us Abby is important (which probably because there's nothing to adapt Abby from beside her first scene). Yeah, Will, Hannibal and Jack Crawford are the stars, but more has to be done than daughter surrogacy. There's not even a scene between Abigal and Will while discussing Will being too close to her. 

Hannibal is bad in that doesn't understand that a character saying something, rather than thinking of them changes that meaning. 

Hannibal is bad in that its showrunner doesn't understand tropes but tries to address to them. Someone tell Bryan Fuller that Fridging is where you kill a woman for the sake of a man's development, not about violence being done to woman in general. Fridging is a very specific trope and there are websites dedicated to explaining that trope. 

Hannibal is good in it's a rom-com where a cannibal convinces an FBI professor to run away off with him and somehow convinces the audience (me) while watching it that was the best option for everyone, except Jack Crawford, but Jack has played loose with the lives and mental state of those he leads so Jack can lose this one. 

See I can write about it. There's a word I want, but I can't find it in my head enough to even go hunting for it. Maybe it will come to me.

The other thing I'm applying for is more insane but I don't want to talk about it. 

I'm going to write about things, like a book I didn't like much.

Goal 2021

 I have no belief in these goals are happening. I just don't. I'm tempted just put vague things like reading as goals. I mean these have never been things I expect to do all of. It's just things that I would like to work on. 

1. Read a Book a Week:  Technically I failed this by not reading a book, in the first of the year which was just three days, so I forgot, but I did finish a book in that actual week, so I'm saying its counts. Or we only counting full weeks. Pro
2. Read 122 Books: I just want to read more books than I've ever had in a year. It's completely possible, I've read 120 books in a year before.
3. Read All the Graphic Novels I own: It's an easy goal and I own a few I haven't read yet.
4. Finish 5 Series: Okay, I give on the finished ten series a year. Just finished more than last year or something. I finished 4, that's why the goal is 5. I have finished 10 series before in a year
5. Get my TBR Down: Here's the thing, it's never gonna happen but also with Covid my local library may never open again and I'm gonna stop requesting things off Netgalley unless it's hella Queer. I've not reviewing at a stable rate and I'm never gonna read all the books. I want to read more my physical books but I also 
6. Write a Review a Week: I was tempted to take this one out, but I do plan to keep reviewing the books I read and if I'm reading a book a week, then I should be reviewing one a week.
7. Write a Post a Week: Writing is good for the soul. 
8. Finish a Novel Draft: I've been writing recently again. I don't think it's good, but if I could get it finished that would been something. It could be workable eventually, but I can't fix it until I have a completed work. 
9. Do More Complicated Videos: I have done the majority of the work for one but does not exist. I give up on consistency and gonna just make things and post it when it's done.
10. Continue Bullet Journaling: No explanation. I spent enough money on it, it would be arsinine to stop now. 
11. Exercise most days: I need to go out more. My tampline broke, which raises the question of whether I should get a new one. I have missed it recently. I'm gonna go back to my house and that way I could actually use my exercise bike. 
12. Applying for Things: I'm currently on two applications for completely different career paths. We see how that goes.

Skye has started catching the ball when it's thrown. He's not very good at it and still likes to run around the room with it in his mind. Leia is not pleased with this development. She wants to be the only one going for the ball. My trampoline is now broken, so she not happy. 

I'm tempted to make a joke about donating to me to buy another one, but it would only be a half joke since I cannot afford to buy a new one. The world is a nightmare. Look after yourself.

2020 in Reflection

 Now for the Annual post where I talk goals I had for the year. 

1. Read a book a week: Fail. Not even on a technicality. I went months sometimes not reading but in my defence, 2020. 
2. Finish 10 series: I finished four. 2 were on my actual list of series I wanted to finish. 
3. Read More of My Own Books: I read even less of my own books this year. I even made a comparison table to prove that.
4. Get the TBR Down:  Shockly, no, as someone who buys books in stressful and depressing times, I did not stop buying books during global pandemic when I stopped reading. 
5. Write a Review a Week: Well, if stop reading then you can't review anything and the film reviews don't feel right. 
6. Write a Post a Week: This is blog is meant to keep me writing all the time, and it's not working out that way. I would feel better about letting this blog go if I was writing outside of it but I am not. 
7. Finish a Novel: Ha no. I feel like I have been writing more creative this year which is good.
8. Published a Video a Week: Goblal Pandemic, sick siblings and funeral mean I didn't feel like doing this and I decide I wasn't going make myself do it. 
9. Do More Complicated Videos: I have done the majority of the work for one but not exist. 
10. Continue Bullet Journaling: I had fuck ups but I did it for the most part, despite no one actually needing a planner for this year.
11. Exercise most days: I know this is getting stale, but I really didn't walk my dogs due to the global pandemic putting pandoria into me, because I know it just takes one fool and people are too causal already with their dogs going by other dogs. As of recent events a.k.a. my middle of nowhere country as the highest numbers in the country right now. I could have went on my trampoline but didn't. I did use my exercise bike when I was in my house but a global pandemic meant I wasn't in my house because I apparently we shouldn't be leaving our houses at all and I am a carer for my parents.  I miss my house and at this point I should stop letting my parent get their way all the time. 
12. Apply for things: "I know I'm not going to a foreign country in September" This was a real moment of confusion for me, but I think it was reference to the Florida trip that my family has been talking about for five years. I did apply for a thing and was rejected and then a global pandemic happened so I had to isolate and didn't apply for anything after March. 
13. Read 104 Books: No. I won't go into again. 

This was a bad year for everyone. Mostly bad things happened and I have new nibing. That is the single good thing. Also I am shockingly alive, despite being half convinced that I would die in the Year 2020 when I was 27. That probably should have filled me with more panic than ever did.