Last year as a teen (I'm getting old)

My two last posts have been utter nonsense, I blame the holidays. Well, I'm back at school now.

Through several things being illuminated this past week, a slap of morality has occur. It not really that I fear death, more of ageing and changing side of it.

I've will be experiencing my last day of school on my 19th Birthday in two weeks time yesterday. If you don't know what to do with that information, you're in the same boat as me. It won't be my official leaving date, but it will my last day of classes. I won't see most my year/anyone from my school after this. I'm not properly friends with any of them, so no reason to see them. That probably kinda sad to most people. It not that I never made any friends while at school, it just they left before I did and I never replaced them. It doesn't seem that sad I could say the same about my original year. Repeating 6th year didn't really change how it would end. It will end with the same awkwardness of everyone saying goodbye to each other and no one feeling the urge to do so to me. I'm fine with this, mainly since I have form no strong bonds with anyone. No one whose been fragment of my life will I be changing paths with. My best friend at school this year has been books.

They've been a good friend other years as well, I've never been bother by only being seen with a book. I gained the amusing story of my Deputy Head telling me that he was reading "Twilight" (Yes, the fairy Meyerpires) when he saw a book in my hands and thought it was Twilight, even if I normally talked I wouldn't have know how to responded to that. In his defence he is an English teacher.

My birthday isn't really a big change, by turning 19 I'll be gaining nothing or even a step closer to something. Even with being 18 I haven't really used that new gained freedom of buying liquor or going to r-rated movies. It just a sign that I'm a year older and that I should start to act like a mature adult. Okay, maybe just I should act more maturer. My eyesight getting worse on the plus side (sarcasm is also my friend).

Other stuff has happened, but I've decided not to shared that with the internet for time being since I haven't really decided how I feel about them yet.

Being Brave because you exist

Been randomly thinking about the situations we find ourselves in. I personally like to moan about my situation (a.k.a dyslexic writer and having constant unexplained pain) because it frankly occupies a lot of my mind. Though, complaining is my hobby, I am overly aware that things could be worse. Yay. Having met/came across many people who are in "difficult", unusual situations I have quite a view of this.

A thing that does bug me about our society is that we make heroes of the disabled and ill. Or anyone whose had a hard time and not just lie down and died. I'm not saying that's a bad thing necessary, but it can be annoying if someone acts as if it a miracle that you've managed to keep going. It almost as frustrating when people don't appreciate that you can't always be expected to follow the same rules as everyone else.

For example, being dyslexic it very unlikely you're be the world's best speller OR being a Young Carer its unlikely you're be at school every day or on time since things come up.

In my six years at my current school, my parents and I had to explain this basically every year when they started moaning about my attendance. Nothing had changed at home (for the better) so why would that?

I think there's whole lack of understanding, so you get people who think they're helping, being supportive and people who don't care to think. I think especially when you're born with something, or had to put up with it almost you're whole life you stop really noticing or not at all. Hospitals can be normal, pain daily life. It’s kind of like the whole don't know what you're missing thing. You've never experienced "normal", so you don't know what it’s like. Sure, you have the fantasy version and wonder "why you can't be like everyone else?".

When you have things thrust upon you, you either deal with it best you can or go hide in a cupboard of denial and self-pity. Often people need time to adjust and will eventually come out the cupboard. Maybe even go back in sometimes.

You're shouldn't tell people how they're feel. It isn't really brave to deal with situation you’ve had no choice over it; you didn't choose to run into the burning building of life to save yourself. You're frankly had to.

Most people will end up sitting in building that's burning, until till they do, they won't understand why you're just covered in ash and not the ash yourself.

P.S. Not really sure where this came from, I’m not really in one of those situations consider brave, but I do have a sibling that sort of is. I never really understood the whole “Brave” view people took. Some people will possibly strongly disagree with me over this.

Easter Procasination (with a side of Bible Bashing and Typewriter love)

Okay, nothing to really report. Been on Easter break ( if your American, SPRING BREAK!! WHOOP!) so no school to complain about. Been doing a lot of maths revision, should probably work on English or Biology considering I have a test for it after the holiday. I thought I might actually write a piece of fiction and post here instead. I know that what other people do with their blogs. Idea would be nice though; maybe I'll have one next week.

So tomorrow is Jesus' Deathday apparently. Fun. I don't really believe in Christianity (or any Abrahamic religion for that matter), but I will admit that the new testament is better than the old when it comes to my moral issues with the bible. I think its just a lot of prejudice humbug (I prefer Humbug to the modern bullshit).
However, Scotland is a Christian country so I have had the humbug shoved down my throat my whole life.  So I sometimes go to church and watch mocking videos on Youtube. Oh, and of course laugh at idiotic American Creationist. Anyone who tries to say Evolution is just a theory can go dance with our cousins the lions or any other sharp tooth animal.

Okay, kinda went of topic. I'm meant to be discussing Easter, not the modern idoits of this world. Basically, I have a lot of problems with the Easter Story and the way it portrayed in the Bible. Fun fact the New Testament's content was decided by some Roman Bastard (who was clearly Sexist), frankly he left out the most interesting Gospels. Fuck Mark and Luke; Mary Magdalene and Judas would seem more insightful than them. Some expects believe that Mary and Judas were made out to be sinners and villains out of envy, due their close relationship to Jesus, by the other Apostles such as Matthew. Yeah, I'm annoyed as much as curious of the lost of  Mary's and Judas' Gospels. I also think it makes more sense if Mary Magdalene was a Apostle. 12 guys seems rather unlikely, if you're going for peace among all mankind.

  Another Fun fact, Luke is not the Apostle, but just some random dude who was mates with Paul. Though, obviously none of the Apostles would have been alive when their gospels were wrote; I suppose its possible that their stories were past down.

To my main points, I don't get why Judas would commit the sin of killing himself when he did what Jesus asked him. I suppose it the similar as expecting someone to feel guilty about helping a dying relative leave the world faster. It also really annoys me when people say the Jews killed Jesus. It was quite clearly the Romans, the Catholic Church have some how managed to get people to forget this. As well as all those early Christians fed to lions. Its a shame that didn't put them off.

The main thing I get from Easter, is that Jesus died for our Chocolate.Actually, that some what comes from Christmas too.

Side-Note

I've been told that I'm now collecting Typewriters. My mother brought me a typewriter at £4 out of another charity shop today. Its a Hermes 301. So far have been able to find nothing about it on the Interweb, except that it from Switzerland. Its in working order, but I've not had a proper chance to type on it yet. I still like my Olympia better. I taken to calling it Gerard Arthur,  I feel that's a name a 40 year old would have. XD Maybe I call the new Benedict Cumberbatch, likely some Sherlock Holmes nonsense since that is currently my obsession. Oh, I'll call it Watson. My brain makes random leaps.

Is it sad that I'm naming my typewriters?

Last Parents' Evening. Also Braces go Bye Bye

On this previous Tuesday, at 4 past seven, I arrived at what will definitely be my last parents' evening, well until I become a parent or teacher (lol). Last year's was in November and at that point I had no real idea I would be repeating, that should have been my last. Don't remember much, just telling my English teacher at the time that I didn't like Shakespeare which she may not have directly said it, but she was appalled by this. Briefly went on how about how great he was, how so many experts love him and such nonsense. I still think he's an English Git who wrote the first Emo romance and is a history ignoring Bastard. I don't think my opinion of him is ever going to change. 
This year one was much more positive really and I'm in a much better place to pass. My mother and I arrived late for our first appointment. It was meant to be with my maths teacher, then English and Biology last. It of course didn't work out that way. Of all my parents' evenings, never once have we followed the appointment order. Frankly, no one really expects to. Making appointments just confirms that your parents will turn up at some point during the event, usually well after your appointment was meant to be.
 We first talk to my maths teacher at 7.10 slot instead of the intend 7.00. My maths teacher basically confirmed what I already knew. She said that I hold a better understanding of the course, though she also once said that you're don't to know why it works, just do (roughly along those lines). I told her I thought I had the potential for a B (leaving my A notion to myself) and she agreed with this estimation. She also said how my homework didn't always reflect my capable and I let myself down with this. My mother and I had brief discussion how my little brother had been playing up that week and that was my excuse for the last HW not being completely finished. I also shared with her my current revision plan of coping my notes; I personally I think this will help with the Objective Testing part of the exam. I mainly got from it that I have to ask for help. So the same as last year.
Shockingly, we actually saw my Biology teacher at the scheduled time of 7.20pm. As usual, it was the best out of them all. She said about how I got a B in my Prelim and how I could easily get an A. She said I had clearly been revising this year, I just smiled. Yes, I have revised more this year, but in honesty, Biology is kinda left at the side lines mostly.

Leaving the worst for last: English

It’s the most frustrating, it mocks me. I want to be a writer and I read all the time, but it’s my worst subject. It’s also the only subject I really need to pursue Illustration, haven't decided yet. I need a B, all my other subjects I'm getting that. So after waiting for about twenty minutes to see my English teacher, she  somehow turned my incredible failure of a prelim into a C grade and leaves me feeling rather positive. She basically said how my Prelim didn't reflect my ability as I did much better in class/HW. She said maybe it was scribe (I'm Dyslexic and I get extra time and scribe in all my necessary exams); I told her it wasn't and that I wouldn't feel conformable doing it myself on the actual exam with my tenancy to miss out words and writing nonsense when stressed. I told her I had only been reading for roughly seven years, my mother and her preceded to go about it taking me longer isn't that surprising. She said I would probably have to retake English to get that B. Also how good my folio was and that she enjoyed my short story. When I said I did read a lot, she said she knew, she could tell by vocabulary.

To end the blog, just want to say that I'll be getting my braces off this Monday. Goodbye being a walking Grater and I'll be able to run my tongue over my teeth again. I only have my weak eyes to go with my geek chic.

Okay, lets talk books

In my opinion, which I'm sure is shared by many, books are brilliant. They have to be the best thing we've ever invented since basically everything comes from them or were at least helped along. The written word has increased potential of share knowledge greatly. With it, we can communicate to someone hundreds of years apart (we obviously can't have a conversation), we can spread knowledge at speed impossible by the spoken word.

Frankly, I love books. Whether fiction or factual, I can find enjoyment in them all. Books for me are the best thing in the world: emotional stories; a fantasy to escape to; wondrous plot; intriguing characters; millions of facts and information. All can be found in books, what's not to love?

There really is a book for anyone, even if you claim you're not much of a reader.  They cover such a variety of topics and issues. They're amazing.

Okay, maybe I'm a tad biased. I mean I do consider myself a storyteller/writer. However, take it from someone whose been deprived of books, they are something to be thought sacred. The damaging of a book is a sin; the mass burning is a sacrilege

All books have value, even if is it to beat someone with them (I refer to large hardbacks as whacking books for a reason) or as evidence of  idiocy.  I honestly don't think the written word will ever go out of style. You can't beat the human imagination. 

P.S. Okay, that was a petty pointless blog. Nothing else to write about this week.

My Best Laid Schemes : My Endeavour into the World of College

Well, I had my interview for college and I did finish my portfolio (I never did the font/typography page, but I do plan to still glue that stuff down at some point) in time. It went okay, my mum came with me partly, did my speaking for finding out where to go and such. They took my photo before I was interview for my ID if I get in, it’s probably horrid. Forced my mum to go after that; she offered to stay with me, but there was no way I could do that, I have to learn to speak/do stuff myself. Basically we got a small tour, given a general talk and then got interviewed. We waited in one of the class rooms (I think that what they called it) and sat in silence, despite the encouragement of the Interviewer to talk to each other. I felt awkward and want to break the silence, but not being the sort of person to do so, it remained. I started to regret wearing my batgirl t-shirt under my dress top, you could clearly see her sticking out instead of potential cleavage and using my standard Batbag. I also hated the fact my portfolio was in a plastic see-through folder, you could see my work at one side, while everyone else were black and fabric. I'm going to buy one of them.

I was third to be interviewed, I fucked up the talking bit, I'm just not meant for speaking one to one with someone. I also realise that I can't tell if someone is talking to me, unless they specifically address me. I think most people can tell, maybe its because I look past people (I'll add that to the Autistic list).

She (the interviewer/Course Tutor person, I have a horrible memory) first ask me why I want to do the course, so I mumbled about having an interest in Illustration and kept repeating the word "but". What I wanted to say was I have an interest in Illustration, but I think it would be better to have some experience with Graphic Design.  So she moved on to my actual portfolio and discussed that. It was a lot easier to comment and communicate. I said pointless nonsense and I talked myself down; I said how things hadn't went my way with my Higher Expression/Self-portrait Unit, frankly I hate all my pieces for that unit except my solution. She asked if I was doing English, which I told her I was re-sitting and she said how it be good to have if I want to go to Uni (I already knew this, didn't say) but it didn't matter for the course. She said that my work was good/fine, don't remember her exact words, and that I had an Unconditional place for the course.

Yep, so I left the room some what happy and got lost trying to find my way out. Once, I had escape from the clutches of the almost empty building. I called my mum to tell her my good news (and to come get me), she was shopping and told me to call my dad, who once called asked if I had called mum, whom I told that I had and that she had told me to call him and they both, of course, said congratulations in their own ways. I then message my Best Friend who give me a cyber hug and for once I didn't cyber slap her for it.

I waited for my mum for roughly half a hour, my sister who was with her had thought she had lost her bank card and they had searched for it at the shops. It was in her back pocket, of course it was. While I waited I post cryptic messages (e.g. "Well, I know what I'm doing next year") on Facebook/Twitter. I didn't really want to tell anyone I had got in, not sure why.  My mum let it slip on facebook and I selectively told people in real-life, but technically this is the web announcement.  I had intended not telling my art teacher that I knew I got in, but I did ended up telling her. Though, I told Mrs B (Annoying Support teacher who featured in last week's blog) that I wouldn't know for two weeks. I doubt she'll directly ask again, but if she does, I'll tell her the same lie.

I also went on my last school trip this week. I went to see "Of Mice & Men" at The Lyceum Theatre in Edinburgh. It was good, but I just don't think its suits being a play and works better as a book. I(’m petty sure) was the only six year on the trip, I read mostly there and back with my ipod to protected me from my younger peers. We left at half hour and got back at half past midnight. It was very fitting to be my last school trip as school was a drama, left me up at night and exhausted.

As I've said many a time, I didn't expect to be here. I thought I would have been finishing my first year at Uni by this point and not heading towards college. I even said I didn’t want to do art any more, but I think that was due my lack of support on the matter and thinking I'm a crap drawer besides the evidence and testimony of expects (well, as expect as I've came across).

So to sum up this blog (somewhat my life so far): I'll be doing Visual Communication HNC next year, mainly due to the fact

"The best laid schemes o' mice an' men 
 Gang aft agley" 
Robert Burns.

Prelim Succes & Failures/I'll never be finished in time for stupid College

The brain is a funny thing.
This week, having completed and got the results back from my Prelims; I felt three things: Distort, Acceptance and Delight.

I've completely failed my English Prelim, getting a measly 21% for the whole thing. I don't care what my English teacher says getting 7/50 is something to worry about even if the upper Higher class did the same thing. Even if it was really hard, I can't justify that. Its less than 10 weeks until the English Exam. As for my essays I knew I had fucked them up the moment I realise I was writing shit in my "Incident" (by Norman MacCaig) Essay and gave up on "The Crucible" one. I have no idea what possessed me to do that one. I went in thinking. I'm going to do "The Cone-Gathers" and poetry. I didn't know enough of the "The Crucible" and I pick the wrong question for it. They was a better question above the one I chosen that mocked me after I had wrote too much to change. So I got 9 and a 5. They had to be the worst essays I've ever written. I had been showing some improvement.  I never knew you could get a 5.

As for Biology, I got a B with 71% which would be an A in the exam, but because the Prelim only contend Unit 1 & 2 the A mark was 75% instead of 70%. I can turn it into a A with the Unit 3 Prelim we're sit as soon we finish that Unit and do the Nab. I probably could have done better if I had studied instead have Procrastinated the night before. In my offence, I did go for Biology support the night before the Prelim. Even if I did leave early out of boredom and went to the Library.

Now Maths, I'm rather chuffed with. I got a B! Though, I only just with getting 60% and in the exam it usually ends up being 65% for a B. I was hoping for/thought I had a C. From this I have gain the want, the will to get an A in my exam. Just the idea of getting A with getting an F (I found out that I must have got less than 49%) in the exam last year, fills with glee at the contrast it would be. I now know I'm capable of it. In reality, I'll be a aiming for in 70% range, but I could hit 80.

It strangle though, that I'm getting Bs in all my subjects except for the one I need it in. If I do to pursue Illustration after this year out, then I'll need a B in it at least. I'm going to start studying like bad for all my subjects, instead of just thinking about it, I won't bother with Timetables, I'm just going to go for it.

Speaking of Illustration, my interview for college is this Tuesday. And my portfolio is not done. I have to mount everything for my Development and need to do something about this Solution. I also have to finish a Bat this weekend. I think my Art teacher has had enough of me, if her side re-marks about my lack of smiling are anything to go by.

But still the thing I'm most nervous about is the fact I have to Talk.  I DO NOT DO TALKING. I still don't really care if I get in and I know its not hard to do, get into college I mean, its just I get so worked up when I have to verbally communicate. I hate the thought of it.

Still the sooner I leave school the better. The sooner I don't have to deal with the heartless cows (C*nts really) of  my school house the better. They're meant to be support teachers, but they've done nothing but undermine me. As said to Mrs Bitch (as I like to call her) "Its not like you give a shit" which goes for both of them. I really wish I had called her a Heartless cow, instead of just thinking it. I know it bad to swear at teacher, especially when she threatening your EMA, it have would felt so good. Maybe, on my proper last day, I will go say to her and fulfil the fantasy of hundreds and tell her exactly what I think of her.

What she gonna do? Withdraw her non-existent Reference?

I'll blame the (suspected) Autism and my "strong sense of Justice".

P.S. Wow, thats a long post and a "strong sense of Justice" is a symptom of Dyslexia.

I'm a bloody mess- Learned First Aid

I officially know how to do CPR and put someone in the recovery position. In about 2 weeks time I'll have a card that says as much from the British Red Cross. We did learn other things such as what to do when we find someone unconscious, how to treat broken arms and other wounds, as while talk through other emergencies. I also now know how to use a public defibrillators, they actually have voice recording that speaks out the inslutants to you. They also recording you though.

The course was meant to last five hours, but we only had time for four and we did over five weeks in our free periods at school. We basically did all of it in two and bit. The fourth was just us covering each other in fake injuries. Favourites were black eyes and cuts on the top of the left hand (completely unrealistic). There were quite impressive and even fooled a few people. Here are my injuries, they weren't as impressive as everyone else.

Here are some fun facts,

•  CPR only save 1 in 100
• Defibrillating someone saves 1 in 25
• Heartattack victims are basically already dead if they're unconscious.
• You can drown from a teaspoon of water, because thats all it takes for your body to go into shock.
• Its very hard to get water out of someone lungs

  So I now know how to potentially save someone's life, though I doubt have to use it.