Teenhood is going to leave me

So I only have a week left as a teenager.

Maybe that why's I've been down recently, I mean subconsciously. Its the whole not being where I thought I be. However, I didn't really know what I want to do.

I mean, I do. I want to be a writer. Writer is what I am. What I want to be is: A published writer, one that gets/or makes money off their writing. I have ads on here but have never made off here. I make like 50p month off my Booktube channel.

I broke right now by the way.

So nothing about my mysterious future, lets talk about my actual terrible time as a teenager.

Okay, it wasn't all that terrible. But it wasn't that happy and my strongest memories are the sort of terrible ones.

My school career offically became a pile of crap. I didn't get to do the choices I wanted, never doing chemistry has really always haunted me and majorly fucked up my (first) 6th year. I also had the depressing experinces of repeating 6th year. I shall forever be able to lie to Americans about going to Hogwarts. Get it, 7th year.

I had horrible house teachers, that should know they both suck at their jobs. The teachers who actually taught me were pity good. All my biology teachers were awesome. English always taught me something and I can write a good essay even if they did just ignore creative writing.

I ended being rather disillusion with the education systems as no one ever gave a fuck about individual stunet. You either do it now, or fuck off because they was no way they were going actually try and improve you. I guess as Dyslexic with obvious signs of possible being Austic/sectively mute (I'm not going near that mess at the moment) High school was never going to be totally happy experince.

Generally, I was never all that happy in my current location where I spent the whole of my teenage years. I made few friends and frankly any one with brain eventually leaves this place even if they ended up back here. I just think I really need to leave. Goal for the past four years.

Cool stuff I did as a teen:
I went to Florida two times in that time. I saw My Chemical Romance and Fall Out Boy, I went to T in the Park for the first time, I killed a guy, I got half way through a novel, I started 2 you tube channels that currently have roughly 50 subscribers after like 80 videos on each; I went on the run, I have managed to acquired a what could be called a library of books (over three hundred); it safe to say I've read over 240 books taking to count I only really start to count since 2011; I've change my mind about what I want to do with my life at least 5 times; I own two typewriters and have kept this blog going for over a year (even if I have lied about some the dates).

So some of that was a lie, guess which. That right I have yet to see Fall Out Boy in concert but you know that could happen now that appear to be back.

So that 7 years of my life is over, let just cry in corner about only being 10 years away from being 30.

Avoiding Life.

I wish I could make myself care. Basically, I've not been interested in anything.

I haven't been reading. I haven't been drawing. I haven't been writing.

I have been watching Cartoons but that only because I can do that in my bed while lying down without thinking. Basically, if it involves thinking I haven't been doing much of it.

I've been avoiding life really. Letting alot of things slide.

I never did finish my novel in time for that contest. Frankly, I'm not that happy with it at the moment anyway. I mean I think it needs a re-write. I want to finish this draft before I start reworking it. Just to have it all written out would be great.

I broke my laptop's built-in left button so that makes it harder to just lie in bed while staring at the laptop. I wonder if I can make the right button the main button on it so I don't have to use my spare mouse. Its getting a bit annoying. It actually does work sometimes, basically I split milk on it which has fucked it.

My cereal had went soggy by the time I had remove the plastic over the actual button and whipped all the milk I could see.

I've sort of started reading again but it took me like three weeks to finish a 298 pages books. I'm still kinda forcing myself to read. It was a non-fiction book but I'm not that interested in fiction books. I haven't made a BookTube video in a month and there's several reviews that need writing.

I haven't went to college in five weeks, two of those weeks were breaks. However, I should have been doing work for it because I'm terribly behind. I just don't care. Motivation for it has went and left me. I just don't think I have the time to finish.

I know in a year or so I regret not finishing the course if I gave up now. But that future me problem. She can deal with that regert which will join so much more. Arty never seems to go right for me.

I'm going to go now, I'll just leave you with this last thought: 

I hate Moodborads. 

Regular programming has been cancelled due to life.

Sh...lets not talk about real things. Lets talk about things that don't matter.

Things that can't wait, will just have to slip by. It doesn't really matter. I hate life and it hates me back.

See you next week if I learn how to form communication about anything with a topic. Just enjoy the random thoughts of nonsense. 

Beauty for yourself or expertion of others (a.k.a ballgrown and jeans are basically the same)

My older sister is frankly terribly shallow and likes to ruin a occasions of going out by criticizes mine and my sib's fashion sense.  In my opinion, she no one to talk considering she has no fashion of her own. She just follows whatevers meant to be "fashionable" and get rids of her clothes (some ain't even hers but you never getting that back) and then ends up buying the same thing brand new two years later. She loves all that terrible reality shows featuring orange people. She follows their example.

I've said all this rather insulting thing to rove the point that opinion is different. Her rather upsetting (only cause I'm depressed and prone to tears when I'm depressed) comments about my lack of effect inspired me to write post about whether beauty is really for yourself or what socity expects of.

My sister said something along the lines of "You should dress up for yourself" and how make it feel better. Frankly, I've been doing that for years. Dressing for oneself should mean that you one who decided whether glam up or not. Though, I dress for myself I get no sense pleasure from it. I feel the same wears pajamas as I do from wear fancy dress. Me and my sister (lets just call her sis from now on) differ on what is appropriate time to glam up.

I for one think its stupid to "glam up" for a rock/pop concert (unless you're one on stage and still) because those things are hot. No one is going to see you and what if you want to start a mosh pit. You really can't mosh in heels, it just not done. Though, I see a concert as the main event, she sees them as just something to do.

The thing that really bugs me is that she the opposite of dressing for yourself. She always goes by what she thinks is acceptable by society. When she insult me for not caring about my hair, frankly my night was going to be sitting in a dark threatre. Frankly, I don't understand how you wouldn't be bored spreading hours getting ready to go out. I don't see the fascination with going out to a club, paying to get in, over cost drinks and then theres the terrible music. I'm happy to be odd in these things.

Also looking "good" making you feel good never really work for me. Dressing up and making myself petty never actually makes me feel anything. It more something that you should do at certain times like formal events. My typical answer to "What are you planning to wear?" is a dress (or jeans if just whatever) and I wwill refuse to go on fuller. I find it rather annoying when someone tries to make this question into a discussion. We both going to the same event, I've already brought the dress, so you're going to see it, it will make no difference to what are you going to wear. My mother once show my other sister what I was wearing to this family party and it really bugged me for some reason. It probably had to do with the amount of time was being paid to this dress.

Yes, I dye my hair brightly colours, but that's more to with me getting bored with what I see in the mirror. The length of my hair is comfort and plaything. I do take alot pictures of myself, but that more to do with the fact they're no one else to play model when I have a idea. Also with make-up I tend to do it properly when I'm bored like I might draw or write nonsense when I'm bored.

 I have notions of wanting to look like a girl somedays, but mostly wear whatever find or some random statement about myself. When I buy T-shirts, they're usually either petty due to arty things; skulls,hearts and wings; have some witty phrase on it or merch of band/book/movie I loved.  In away they tell you something about as a person. Here have example of my sort of humour.

Actually, t-shirts with phrase on them brings us back to sis. My sister when left to her own devices will buy me things that are completely not me. They more the sort of thing she likes such as the two shirts she brought at different, I believe both were birthdays, gift giving times. One saying "You better earn more than I can spread on shoes". Shoes, frankly is something I've never paid that much attention expect wanting a decent pair of combat boots and converse style sand shoes. I must have been when I was like 12-14 age, maybe younger. Still I was definitely full fledged person, I was basically when I was four, I think the sort of the person I was clear when I was 2.

We'll always be different. My sister I guess just doesn't see it that way. Like I wouldn't demand that we all sit down and deeply discuss Harry Potter (or other fandom things). If that was the done thing among majority of my peer age then I would be pressured intositting through a discussion I might find dull as glass.

My point is making yourself "beautiful" is opinion. Though, acceptable dress will always be what society considers it to be and not what you individually think it should be. Still fuck them. I will never pay that much attention to my controlled beauty in daily basis, only notice spots when comes to appearing on camra and still then I tend to get on with it. I'm not saying I don't do things in the sake of beauty, it just not anyway near the top of the list of things I care about.

P.S. Sorry this tad bit like a personal rant and if appears to jumpy, that because I literally was jumping from back and forth different paragraphs as I wrote it.