Book Review: Haunt Me by Liz Kessler

Reading books because they remind me of trashy "reality" tv shows.

Erin wants to face the future. 
Joe is desperate to remember his past.
Olly only ever lives for today.

When love weaves its dangerous magic around their lives, each of them face their own demons.

And as the past catches up with them, it comes down to the ultimate question...

Would you swap Love for Life itself?

I presumed this book was about ghosts, and luckily it was actual ghosts, not the mental ghosts of your past. Well, all the characters are meant to have those as well. This tries to deal with a lot of things including suicide, mental illness and drug abuse, none really that successful. This book feels very old school YA, mostly in the negative ways. It's okay, there was a point that annoyed me enough that I almost quit the book (chapter 10, anyone?) and then I remember that I choose to watch 'A Haunting'

So I should probably just let this stupidity go and I was only reading to fulfil my trashy need for terrible ghost stories, whether people claim they're real or not. My main problem, was that it very passive of the main character and was done to quickly move on the plot without thinking about the meaning or the why. I mean if this had been A Haunting episode then a demon would have suddenly appeared and that would be more entertaining. Do you know how hard it is to find someone to bless your house? Yeah, neither do I, but a day is just so quick.

Erin and Joe are soulmates because they write and have/had no friends. Their poetry is littered through the book, I'm not really a poetry person anymore but I definitely believe that the poems were written by two sixteen-year-olds, and maybe if I was sixteen too I would think they were great.

Erin is "not like other girls" so that's great. In her deference, she does not describe herself as that, but it's still a line in the book. It could be read that the other love interest Olly is just a dimwit who never dated anyone for their personality before. The book is told from the POV of the different angles of the love triangle: Erin the Sad Girl, Joe the Ghost and Olly the Alive Brother. I never felt deeply for anyone or anything, obviously only one of the romances is healthfully viable and even then I felt like it should have been a case where everyone moves on.

Erin had been in car accident in the past that took months of recovery but has no side effects of this and her injuries are never explained other than she had access to painkillers at one time. This would have happened four years ago during the main events of the novel, it's possible that she surfers no long term injuries or they won't effect till she is older but it would have been nice to see physical issues since so few books have physically disabled characters. It's nice that the psychological issues are acknowledged from suffering a traumatic incident like this, except it's very much for plot.

We have Mean Girl Zoe, Zoe that no one likes but is somehow popular. At least Zoe isn't just some flat sociopathic sadist stereotype that targets the main character for no reason and actually has some motivation for what she doing. She also described as being vain, obsessed with social media and image. So she is better than most stereotypical mean girls but she is still flat, plot driven character and still in lines with being a stereotype, just better than the other ones you can find.
Her actions at the end don't really make sense, unless she lied, but why would you want a rumour like that getting out about you.

Bullying and suicide are big theme in this book. I don't think they dealt with well, or terribly. They are used as plot. Erin is introduced immediately as having had a bad time which caused her family to move. Joe is this young guy who didn't seem to have any friends and wrote poems, so suicide did immediately spring to mind. I can't really comment on the impact of bully because I'm always like why do you care what dimwits think about you? I had people call me stupid names but it was very whatever, my nature means that unless it get physical or they get you into trouble it's hard for me to relate to characters that get so obsessed with it. The bit where its used for straight up plot I do take issue with. It's very sudden and lazy.

There is 26 chapters in this book. The POV changes within the chapters and the chapters just seem to end really randomly. Like the chapter will end but we're in the same scene and nothing dramatic will have happen to justify the chapter end. I'm not sure what the logic was behind this choice.

This is almost 400 pages and the plot is slow and steady and then at hyper-spreed twice in the book.
The ending was bit rushed, I feel like Erin would have had more defences up realistically meaning that ending didn't feel earned for me, even with it being established that she had past of doing what she did.

Overall, I give this book 3/5 stars for wallpaper. This is a books with tons of popular 00s tropes released in 2016. I wouldn't say it's harmful, but it's not a powerfully story and I doubt it will stay with me for long.

Book Review: Solitaire by Alice Oseman

Funfact: Radio Silence technically spoils the end of this book.

'I don't ever remember not being serious. As far as I'm concerned, I came out of the womb spouting cynicism and wishing for rain.'

My name is Tori Spring. I like to sleep and I like to blog. Last year – before all that stuff with Charlie and before I had to face the harsh realities of A-Levels and university applications and the fact that one day I really will have to start talking to people – I had friends. Things were very different, I guess, but that’s all over now.

Now there’s Solitaire. And Michael Holden.

I don’t know what Solitaire are trying to do, and I don’t care about Michael Holden.

I really don’t.

This is a book I have owned since it came out, many years ago. So many years ago, I do not remember why I brought it. Well, probably because it says it's not a Love story and even then I hated the fact that every book seemed to be a love story at it's centre and they were often very bad. 

This book is more about friendship than romantic love, but it's also sort of there. We also have sibling relationships and as well as dealing with being a family with a sick sibling, which from my experience was done pretty well.

The way mental health is dealt with in this book is so great. If you're someone who wants to know nothing then leave this paragraph now. I related to Tori hating everything because I too kinda hated everything when I was seventeen and then I realise that this book was slowly showing beginning to related even more to my seventeen old self in an important way. It's done so fucking well. It's remind me of my slow dive into that state of numbness and then mixed in with the guilt because wasn't allowed to be sick. But haha that doesn't stop it.

I've seen others hate on the mental illness rep and the fact the main character is a teenager. Tori is shitty person, most teenagers are, I think that's pretty realistic to the story. Reading other reviews is interesting because you can see where other people get real hanged up on.

The plot is about this website called Solitaire.com that is playing planks on the Grammar School that Tori goes to. It used to drive the characters interactions with each other to figure out whose behind it/why.  With the plot description, it might seem like a thriller but it's really not, especially it's usually going on in the background. The focus is very much on the characters and their relationships together.

In terms of rep, we have Queer supporting characters as well as the mental health side. It sort of comes into the plot, but it's realistic and fine besides that. They function for the most part like a straight couple. There's also autistic feel to some characters, not saying they meant to be coded autistic but you could read them that way.

Overall, I give this book 5/5 stars for soft muttering. I related to this book a lot so I really loved it. I don't know if I liked it so much because I related to it so much, but I think either way it was done pretty well. In terms of her other books, I like this book better than Radio Silence. They have similar themes/issues and I think it works better in this one. I'm doing an review of Radio Silence so I talk about it there. Both are good, but I think this one was better, I also get why that might be a me thing. This book does have issues, but I like intention over all.

Book Review: Girlhood by Cat Clarke

Bordering School in Scotland and a Dead twin, what does that remind me of?

I lost myself

               when my sister died,

  and these girls rebuilt me,
     piece by piece.
I thought that nothing could 
  ever come between US.
I thought I knew who I was...
        Until
                  the new girl 
                        showed up.

This book came out on my Birthday and I went out and brought it on my Birthday which was an 2 hour journey for me. So course I've only read it now, despite also receiving a NetGalley of it as well. I don't even read the NetGalleys of my favourite authors on time (though I only got access to it, a day before it came out).

I've read most of Cat Clarke books (except one only published in America and the one that's not out yet). This was the most disappointing. It was the only one that didn't make me cry. It's not bad. It's not okay. It's is good. However, it was not Clarke ripping my heart out like she has with every other book. Even my least favourite book of her books made me cry. Though, I like this one better than A Kiss in the Dark.

It's similar to Cat Clarke books in I sat and read it in one sitting. Because you have to read Clarke in one sitting or you will spend all your time thinking about it, even if you're a sleep.

Okay, so what didn't work for me. The big conflict is a lot smaller than other Clarke books, it relays on subtly and relationships. The relationships and friendships are done well, but the issue is obvious from outsider point of view (even without another character saying exactly what's happening). Yes, I am not 17 like Harper is, but I think

Harper's relationship with her sister is a bit shallow for me. The idea of someone losing their identical twin sounds horrific, especially when they in their teens. This happens before the book and is one of Harper's defining issues. My problem is it all feels like plot to me. We have Harper talking about parts of their childhood and her death, not really flashbacks, more Harper talking to the reader about her sister like we were her friend/therapist. Anorexia is usually a slow death, so the time line feels a little muddled. Harper's guilt plays a role, but maybe a more hit and run death would have worked better. Clarke has done grief for a sister before and it worked then, so why didn't work now for me.

This also some girl on girl sexual tension which I always appreciate. We have a canon lesbian, Bi and someone at least willing to go there. It has almost nothing to do with the plot which is fun. There's some romance stuff, but it also like nothing. It's definitely a friendship book. I really should have loved this book.

Clarke as always, likes to tackle a harder subjects. We have grief, body image issues, depression and other stuff that's too much a spoiler to talk about in a review.

I thought the plot was going one way, it didn't which is probably for the best. The plot works for the most part. 

Overall, I give this book 4/5 stars for Stone Bars. The real problem is Cat Clarke is amazing and this didn't stab me in the heart, so I'm disappointed. Maybe I'm just getting more heartless as I get older. My actual guess, is that Clarke was juggling a lot more important characters than she normally does and my expectation was too high. I'm still going to shove Cat Clarke books at people, even they talk about books.

I got this book for Review off NetGalley and Quercus Children's Books. But I always going to read this anyway. It was published on 4th May 2018.

Currently £4 on Amazon (Affiliate Link):https://amzn.to/2HW1eLK

Short Story: Bad Weather

Hello people, today story comes from a prompt: Write a story about a guy who walks into a bar on a dark and stormy night. I have taking place in the BookTubeathon so I wrote this instead of reading, but read when I should have been writing it's all too confusing.

Bad Weather 

The pub was pretty empty for a Friday night and the place was usually empty. Only our usual Todd sat at a booth in the back, nursing his only whiskey of the night. I suspected that Todd didn't liked the drink he brought every night and never drank. It was a shame, because it was always the good stuff he got and I myself liked that whiskey.

I never asked him about it because he freaked me out. I caught him staring at me from across from his usual booth all the time, till I learned not to look in that corner. His hands are always freezing, no matter the weather, I tried avoid touching him by putting his drink on the bar instead of handing him it but he would grab it before I let go of it and he always bushed my palm when he pays.

Today, it was cold and damp so it made since when the stab of cold hit my skin, but it just doesn't seem right. I rubbed my hand on my apron, trying to get renewed sensation to go away.

The bar door opens and two guys I have never seen before enter. It's odd to see anyone completely new after working here for over a year and of course living few streets away. One looks to be older than the other by ten years, both are wearing all black. Neither of their jacket have hoods and they soaked. They look around the bar, before separating in direction without saying a word.

The older ones heads towards Todd's booth and sits. It is literally the most shocking thing I have seen working here as I have never experienced Todd talking to anyone but me and only to order his drink. The only reason I know his name is because Boss made me card him, despite him clearly being middle age.

"A beer, please."

I jump, I had been so focused on the older one engaging with Todd that I never noticed the younger one siting now at the bar.

"Wha...What kind?" I stutter out.

 "Whatever you have on draught."

We have three beers on draught so I give him the one that should have the most in the barrel to avoid changing them on my shift. That can be the boss's job, he hates doing it so always makes me do it.

He hands me a tenner for the pint.

"Keep the change." I say thanks and go to put it the shared tip jar, he grabs my wrist. I tried to jump out of his grip, his hand is as cold as Todd's and his grip is too strong for me to break.

"You keep it," he says as calmly as before, like this is normal. He lets go. There now a clitch in my gut. I leave my arm handing there for a minute before finally putting the money in my pocket. I'll put the money in the jar after he leaves. The company that owned the pub had this big thing about sharing tips. It was a fireable offense to keep tips, not that we got many at night.

 He staring at me and hasn't touch his drink. I ignore him and go to wipe the bar at the opposite end. I decide to the watch the strange show of Todd with another person. I wonder if I should get the Boss from the back to witness this rare moment. He might not believe me otherwise. I'm too far away to hear them speaking anyway.

I move from the bar and catch the the eye of the other one.

"You're rather pretty," he says plainly. Great, I hate when straight guys hit on me and now I have an especially weird one doing it. He'll probably comment on on my lip piecing next and then ask if anything else is pieced whilst looking at my flat chest. They're usually wasted at this point when they start flirting with me.

"So I'm told," I say.

"Would you like me to suck you off?"

"WHAT?"

This was turn odd turn of events, he could still think I'm a girl but most people don't use that term anology about the female funtimes.

 "I  said, would like me to pleasure you?" he says flatly, like it normal to offer someone oral whilst they working. Getting hit on by drunks is sort of part of the job. Not sober weird people offering sex acts.

"No, thanks," I say slowly inching to the backdoor. He might not be drunk, but on something else, or insane either way I don't want to be in the front by myself. He watches me as I step into the back.

I can still see the bar but I can't really be seen by customers. I call the cellar phone to get Boss. He's down there taking invertory whilst things are slow during the storm to save him having to do it another time.

The phone rings out without an answer. I hang up, he doesn't usually answer and just comes up when I ring him down there. I tried to calm down, but the knot in my gut won't go away. I force myself back into the bar where none of them have move.

The younger one is still staring at me. I look at Todd's booth to see that they have started to argue. I hear the sound of them talking but not the actual word.

What is Todd's life outside this bar?

"What type of blood do have?" The young one says.

I turn to him and stared at him blankly.

"You smell like O neg to me, definitely Rhesus negative."

 That was blood type, how could he smell my blood type. I stared at him and that was it, I was abandoning the bar.

I run out to the back and was about to open the cellar door when the lights go out. The storm must have knocked the power out. I take a breath and take my phone of my pocket to use it as a flashed light. I go down the stairs using the light to make sure I don't trip.

"Boss" I shout into the darkness. I don't get a reply. Once I'm the floor I begin to scan the lights spatterly. He has to be down here, I never heard him come up.

" Boss, where are you?"

I can feel myself panicking, something is wrong. I spin around trying to get a glimpse of him. I find myself looking behind the crates of alcopops and then stop myself. I must have missed him somehow. He must be out back smoking.

I run to the stairs. I stop, there's something wet on the steps. It wasn't like that when I came down here. I hold my phone above it. I can't make out what it is on the dark of the stairs. I leave it in favour of finding Boss. I go up the stairs trying to avoid the wet patches.

I turn my phone scene off and find my way to back door easily. I push at the door and exit to the rain. It's dark in the alleyway and am still getting wet despite the metal sheet that Boss put up for his frequent smoke breaks.

I scan around for him, but boss clearly isn't out here. I turn to go back in when I hear sceaming. I stop. I know I should go in and help, but instincts tell me to run. I stand there for a long while, not able to make my body do either.

"Don't worry, baby."

I jump at the sound of the voice. It young guy at the door, I must have been staring at him for a while in the dark.

"He's just getting what he deserves for disobeying."

Disobeying who? I don't ask him.

"Why don't you come back in and I can make you scream in another way."

He's still flirting with me in the creepiest way possible. I go to run but he grabs me and drags me back into the pub. Before I can stay anything, he's shoving his slimy, cold tongue in my month. It's making me sick but I can't push him off. I'm actually starting to feel a bit faint.

***

"And that's why I turned you." Feith says to me for millionth time. I had been ignoring him, and thinking of  my own count of that night. Trying to find Boss and then walking over his blood and then Todd getting his punishment for stealing a blood donor.

Feith thinks he's being romantic when he recounts that night. I remember it for it's fear, not Feith being pretty. He's good looking I guess, but I will never have the same feelings towards him as he has for me.

Because of him I'm stuck running one of Lucas' bars. It's a lot like Boss' but I'm not dumb enough to cross the real boss or his right hand man Feith, which is why I put up with his feuqent visits. Also I kinda feel sorry for him. He was raised in this world before he was turned. This was always the best he saw for himself.

It's sad. He never mature so now he like an external puppy who decided to be befriend the neighbour's cat. I just wish I had never went near that neighbour. Why the hell had Boss hired me? It  is one many things I wished they had torture out of him. It straight up broke the rules of this business, not that Boss had really care that much. He dragged me into this, instead of it just be another job rejection.

Feith is now smiling at me, still happily talking at me while I ignore him. I don't think he'll ever realises that I'm not listening. Lucas is here checking up on things so I know he'll be leaving before closing so I won't need to have a moral debate with myself about letting Feith stay the day with me.

I'm actually quite relief when Lucas tells Feith to scam from the bar so he can interrogate me. Also Feith is meant to be paroling the area in case if any rivals show up. If Lucas gives him hell  for not doing his duty, he's being too soft on him.

"How are you, Pretti," I flich. I hate when Lucas calls me by Feith's compliment/pet names. He smirks at me, so he saw it then.

"Fine, been real busy with the Blood Donors I stole last week," I say sarcastically because I've heard the rumours and know it will stop his smirk and maybe my existence. He doesn't stop smirking.

"You know if anyone but you said that to be I have them chopped," he says without threat. Being cut into tiny bits sounds fun compared to what they did to Todd. "However, I know you know what I'm capable of and Fe..."

"I keep waiting to see it again," I goat him before he mention how heartbroken Feith would be without having me suck here.

"You really should fight your suicidal tendencies. If you weren't so stubborn you would have promoted long ago."

"Business is fine. There's been no trouble," I say, stopping before telling him to get out.

"Exactly, you're my most reliable bartender," bartender is the name Lucas gives his blood sellers. "You should be at a flesh bar instead of here."He looks around this place like it's a stae. Lucas tries this spill once and awhile. Especially, after something likes this has went down. I've always gotten out of being transferred by getting drunk and refusing to serve anyone till Lucas refutes.

Last time I told customers I poised all the blood and that Lucas was my bitch, in front of Lucas. I majorly pissed him off, meaning he gave Feith a week off to deal with me which was hellish. He wouldn't stop touching me the whole time he was there, in front of the customers giving me a dirty look for being alive after the suppose poising.

"I have decided you are to take over my personal bar," he says. That's at least ten levels above me on the chain of this organisation.

"I know how to poison blood."

"If that was true, then we wouldn't be having this conversation." He's right, I would be actually dead.  "I don't know why you so against moving up."

"Maybe I'm just happy where I am." He laughs as though that's the dumbest thing he's ever heard.

"How very human you still are," He laughs at me again. "Perhaps I should make you a drainer so you can be with your kind." Here's the punishment I should I have gotten years ago. I shiver at the thought of having to see those rejected addicts everyday.

"Fine, I'll run your stupid bar," I throw a glass at Feith whose been standing at the door, looking at me for the pass minute. I miss his head. He finally moves after the glass shattering next to his head. I would smash one on Lucas if I thought I would get the satisfaction of seeing his pretty face bleed.

"Tut, Tut, so disrespectable to your maker," I openly laugh at this statement. He stole leadership from his maker.

"When will I be force to leave?"

"Oh, a week or so," he says vaguely. It could be tomorrow knowing him. "Come, Feith, it's time to go."

Feith leans over the bar, looking for a kiss. I ignore him, knowing Lucas will shout at him eventually. I look up at him, Lucas smiles at me, standing at the door so he's playing that game now.

"Stop being a pest and fuck off," I say to Feith. He pulls back, looking hurt, like a kicked puppy. If I'm being forced to deal with Blood Donors, then I'm not putting up with Feith wanting to play boyfriends.

"We're be back soon to help with the move," is Lucas finally words before he leaves with Feith sulking behind him.  I doubt that I will see Lucas again till I get to his headquarters.

I won't miss this bar but I'm more the deniability. I go out and sweep the glass pieces to save to throw another day. 

Today's life lesson is to stay out of Vampire Turf disputes.

Now I have a readathon to win. Okay, probably lose.