Driving Puppies

I hate driving. In the latest adventures of why Rachel Verna should not be behind a wheel: my tyre ripped. Its was raining and I hit pothole. A pothole that was in the centre of the road and had not been there yesterday. It was at the bottom a hill so it was filled with water. It was pretty big at the time. I have been paranoid about my tyres before but now I definitely know what a complete flat tyre feels like.

I was listening to My Favorite Murder. The perfect thing to be listening to by yourself at the side of the road, especially when they talking about a hitchhiker who survived getting arms cuts off and was thrown off a cliff (Mary Vincent is her name if you're interested in looking up the story).  Lesson is don't get in a car with strange men, even if it looks like you could out run them. So of course, I got in a car with a strange man who gave me a lift to my door. But he worked for Scottish Power, I had a charged phone and for some reason a tiny wrench from the back of my car (I should find it and put back in my boot). They had stopped when they saw me at the side of the road trying to fix the tyre with the stupid tyre in can thing. I couldn't actually get the cap off the tyre and they had to get pilers to get it off. It was all for naught as the tyre was ripped at the side (sidewall).

I got home, locked the door and Leia was happy to see me again. This was nightmare scenario as my parents were an hour away at an important appointment so I would have to had walked at the side of super busy country road where people drive like manics despite escaping sheep and stand in the middle of the road. (I droved past one at the side of the road this week too. Surprisingly only one, there's usually escape in threes). There are constant car crashes on those roads as well.

I also witness the aftermath of a car crash at the junction of a hospital. It didn't look serious and they were in the right place as though life was an episode of Casualty.

So the next day, Wednesday, I ended waiting in the car for an hour waiting for someone to come and change my two front tyres while continuing to listen MFM (I would stop but I am currently obsessed and maybe I shouldn't have let him know where I live but Neighbours are witnesses). Then I made it to uni with half hour to spare like Tuesday should have went. This was super annoying affair as I missed my only practical sort of class where I lost out on a lot not being there

I let Leia outside today. She has felt the feel of muddy grass beneath her paws. She is still cautious of leaving the house without me lifting her over the threshold but she likes it when she out though. Running around the garden, wagging her tail. She so big now. I hate it. She not very baby like but still had to wake me at 1am to lift her on my bed so still small. Just not tiny anymore.

She is not interested in being walked. She ran straight back in the house, though maybe the other dogs outside freaked her out. She is coward, like my Shep. She also doesn't like the jacket my mother insisted on buying her. Its the sound of velcro she doesn't like.

Uni is an on going process that I should be working on so I will leave with thoughts of dogs and tyres lurking in your mind. Watch out for Sheep and holes.

Falling Dimension

I haven't forgot about you. I have given up the pretence that I have been writing posts every week. Its not a lack of having anything to say. It isn't even that I haven't had time. I've just been life writing stump where I go to write and then get stuck. I'm back to writing reviews by forcing them out with the Knowledge that I'm current;y sitting on the number of reviews that are left in the year. But I have wrote the ones enough the rest of November so November will have reviews for the rest of the year.

I will make myself write the reviews for the rest of the year. The terrible thing is the one I have negated to write for almost ten months. I might leave it for last for kicks. Uni is still going. Making films and learning about film. I got taught about Sigmund Freud's theory about men having a fear being castigated because women don't have a penis therefore it was cut off. Yeah, literally no idea what that has to do with horror, which what we were meant to be learning about. I mean Freud has been mostly discredited and is the one with the mother issues. Mutilation of the genitalia is horrifying, but I don't think Freud's theory should be taught in any class, unless it directly influences a film. We also watched the Psycho remake It is god awful. He mess up the iconic scene so much. I know everyone knows the twist by now, as it is a iconic film and has had a massive influence, but that doesn't mean you give up on it if you going to go to the effect of a remake.

I honestly don't get what Freud's theory about Castration anxiety had to do with the appeal of Horror. He's came up before in another class,though that was the ego and the id which are probably nonsense but is fiction not all nonsense. That being said I don't want to be taught seriously the theories of a man who thought all women wanted to be men and that everyone fancies their mothers. Penis Envy is not a real thing. Yes, they are transgender men but no one thinks that a penis was taken from them at birth. Oh, it would blown his mind to know that in fact we start out we all start out as female in the womb. It is just Freud pushing his own, sexist ideas on other people.

That was weird route to go down. Have you missed the nonsense of my own brain? The world has became more horrifying since we last spoke like this. Clowns attacking people and Lex Luther is on his way to be president, with no Batman or Superman.We live in a terrible dimension. I would like to collide with another dimension at this point.

I recently came to the realisation I don't really know what horror is in the written form. Horror in film is obvious due it format. Horror in books, especially as supernatural and thrillers are their own genres in books and I am immune to fake fear apparently. People tell me that they find films I find laughable scary. I can't even see it.

In summary I'm making a horror film and I don't know if its going to be remotely scary. But it will follow the format. I'm running out of things to say so I shall leave now. I am here and on the YouTube. See me there.

Alpha Sapphire

My neck has been sore for a week. There is return in ache in the joint between skull and my spine. Lying under the surface of the skin. Its goes and comes back. With me when I wake and without me when I sleep, gone when I wake and there when I sleep.

Pains with no clear origin are the worst. I move my neck and it was there. I wonder if its there now because I'm aware of it and pain is a function of the brain. That being said it comes when I'm not thinking of it.

I have been playing a lot of Alpha Sapphire which without Pokemon of the front of it sounds like a Sci-fi game that has no plot and you're just fighting some bad government guys. Nope, just trying to catch magical animals then fight them against each other so they became more powerful animals with powers. They not really portrayed as magical but some of them apparently are gods, so science and magic. Pokemon are weird.

Uni is starting up again, which is just a thing that I will have to deal with. I haven't done much with my break from it. Wasting the days away. I am also currently lacking a home there, commuting and parking. I have ideas, urges to write but have. I also have this headache like my nose is blocked. My body is rebelling again. A growing paranoid that I have a brain tumour. Headaches and my speech seems to be getting worst. Probably not, because that's my fear of the betrayal of the brain. Tumour is the slow version typical of someone my age. Though, disease don't actually care about age.

It's probably that need new glasses (I do and eye stain causes headaches), and I've had messed up speech for years. Sometimes it hard not to wish for easier life. Green glass or whatever.

That's all for now, my headaches and I should do so many things. Sleep or catch up on Orphan Black.

Trapped by Family

I have started but not finished the next chapter. I blame my family who kidnapped me and forced me to stay at my sister's house. I was meant to be taking my brother to the pictures but there nothing he wanted to see that he could legally see in a cinema. For some reason every kids film was on in the morning. Ended up going for a meal. Imagine the horror.

I also have a lot of work for uni to do and not a free weekend to do it in. Busy week of stuff.

We're finally moving. Next month meaning I'm not going to have a free weekend for a long while as I'm going to have park hundreds of books and sorting the junk that has been complied in my room in the last year. Despite having a clear out almost every year, my room is still full of stuff. There is stuff I should probably get rid of or can go in the attic at least. On the plus side I can finally have a full size bookcase and we turning a too thin closet into shelving.

The books will certainly be fun to sort through. Though, honestly that should probably be the last thing I do, among dismantling my bed. Kinda dreading it though as I'm going to have to share a room and I barely have room for my stuff now.

I'm making no promises, but I plan to keep working on the novel and do the whole review things as I can't stop requesting books off Netgalley. I will type to you next week till then enjoy this random sentence I wrote.

I'm aimlessly walking again.

2016 Goals

This is the ways I should do this year maybe.

1. Read 52 books or the same number I buy. I want to go back to reading at least a book a week as I think this is the best thing for me.
2. Finish 10 book series. Same reasons as last year. I still own to many and they are lots I want to finish. 
3. To lower my To Be Read in all senses. Don't spend as much on books. Get that number down to something that isn't so horrifying. It's at 458 as I type. I would say go year without buying any books but that would take away all my fun, so I can some options. Just not 102 again, please.
4. Read a comic a day till caught up. I am majorly behind my comics and I would like to change this. This would last me a while if I did it literally. 
5. Stop being dumb with money. I should budget for what I have and stop making a game of paying my credit card. I would like a job, but that's just not in my cards at the moment. I need another income so feel free to pay me for my talents (whatever they actually are).
6. Write. This blog was to make sure I wrote every week, but it just doesn't feel like enough effect anymore. Maybe my posts need to be more structured. Maybe I should stop doing posts where I say nothing about nothing. I might start posting creative work every week no matter how bad or unfinish it is. Just so I do stuff instead of nothing.
7. Edit footage instead of sitting on it for years. I feel interesting stuff then never do anything or abandoned video ideas I that I feel that need to be done or give up on before I even look at the footage.
8.  Write a script and then make it. I have no excuse not to do this. I mean I find a lot of the class work creativity limiting so this would be at my level and I've just got to do these things. 
9. Stop doing stuff the night before, then the whole doing work making me tired wouldn't be such  an issue and  might fix the whole insomnia/weird sleeping patterns I keep issue as well. 
10.  Actually finish the Stranger or whatever. One of my novel things anyway.

10 is a nice number for this year. There's other stuff I should work on but I guess in terms of being happy and realistic, this is the stuff I should focus on.  See you loser next year where we see if I'm the winner or failer. Also next week for stuff.

2015 in Summery

This is a post I should have write maybe last week, but then again how can you reflected on something till its over. My goals for 2015 were:

1.  Read 60 books.
2. To finally catch on my book reviews and stop requesting books that I don't time to read.
3. I would like my To Be Read pile to go down as it now sits at 519 books.
4. In the same spirit I want to majorly cut back on the books I buy.
5. I would like finished reading/catch-up on 10 book series.
6. To save money.
7. To get a job this summer.
8. To pass my driving test.
9. To write creatively more and post it on this blog.
10. To finished a first draft of The Stranger.
11. To As in the Highers I'm study or at least put my best effort into doing it. 
12. To stop procrastinating.
13. Exercise and eat less junk.
14. Talk to people, make friends and don't be in my shell so much.
15. To put together a good portfolio together in less than month's time.

The majority of things were accomplished but also weren't at all.

1. I read 93 books last. Though, I'm not that happy about that considering I changed it to 102 for a very good reason which I will explain in a following point.
2. LOL. Still do this, but I seriously think about how unrealistic I am being before finally requesting a book. I have stopped requesting books I will never read. I might never catch up on though.
3. I think I counted wrong last year, because according to my spreadsheet I now have 459 books unread in my ownership and I only read 29 books that were mine last year. The thing I don't where I got that number from to say. Maybe it included NetGalley. So technically yes, but also hell no.
4. I brought 102 books and decided that if I was going to keep buying books I had to read at least as many as I buy, even if they not all owned books. I've never kept proper track of the number of books I buy per year before, so it's hard to say if this goal was achieved or not.  But I didn't a buy book every time I went into Waterstones. I stared keeping track of how much I was spending which was semi horrifying but that being said I've always thought of money in how many books I could buy with it.
5. I finished 10 series this year, meaning this was goal I accomplished without figuring the books I'm caught up with, but still they are ton of series I should finish.
6. No. I am still very bad with money.
7. I was unable to find one. I did work at charity shop so there's that.
8. I passed. I can drive by myself. I have been on a motorway. I have spinned my car in circle. I still hating driving.
9. I have been writing again, but I've also censored myself a lot this year. This a spiritually no. But I have stuff that mostly for me right now.
10. No. I think I added stuff. The Stranger is something I will finish, but I'm over aware of it's issues. I don't know if I should just straight up re-write it or continue with the plan to have at least one full draft of it instead of strips of scenes and beginning, end and middle.
11. I quit. This is clearly a fail in this front.
12. I will never likely stop. I put the pro in the word.
13. This is hard. Eating healthy is hard on a budget but I try. I still eat too much chocolate and need to find a form of excise that suits me.
14. Still Lonely. Still uncomfortable with this thing called Other People.
15. I did. Ish. But I also got into the uni I wanted to, so it doesn't really matter.

2015 was another year I lived. I got finally diagnosed with Autism and I went to uni so it's notable but in terms of emotions, nothing big happened to me. I achieved some goals and failed majorly at others. I will do the same next year. You can look forward to seeing those goals next week which is the typical scheduled for this time of year.  

Writing Terribly all the time.

Uni is over for the year. But it's also not. I still have two deallines to meet and panic over. I have tons to say and do. But also nothing to say. I want to give my terrible writing. It's all terrible, which is bad since I have my creative writing deadline tomorrow and I honesty don't know which piece is worst. I've gave up on fixing one of the stories I submitted for feedback, I just don't think I'll ever get to work unless I throw vampires into it. It still wouldn't work, but then it would at least have vampires to spice it up a bit.

I am almost attempt to summit Coincidence in War and Love as its the last short story I have any pride over (sad I know). Except it's too long, on the internet and not written during the course. There is the short Cut, but it sucks too and I shared it on the internet not thinking it would worth submitting (still do). I'll probably give the worser piece since I have no reason to keep it for anything else.

I know I'm not being over critical as all my opinions have been back up. I keep writing novels. I'm not sure if there any good. I just need to finish one. I need it to flow streight away at the start or I have nothing decent. Dragging stuff out of me is just painfully and messy.

I have list of ideas and none of them want to be on paper. I have to just write. A thousand words is just so resitive to me, because it plays on my mine. I need 2,000 when it comes to my work. My chapters tend to be that size as well. Some longer, very few shorter than by a great much.

I guess it doesn't help that I've started hate my own writing style, which is the same as hating my voice. Maybe this means I should try mixing up more. I've been inserting prose more in my stories to build the settings better. The thing my third person voice is my first person narrating badly. I also have completely forgotten to how to write action in first person. It's possible, this is because I deal more with plot and characters and was never good at it to start with.

I just wish writing hadn't became such a drag for me. Everything feels a little pressure which is of course most likely in my head.

Self-Destructive is fun.

I have started to procrastinating from eating, so I don't eat till I'm really tired. I am like a really advance sim. If I am a sim, then I'm clearly not the favourite one. More the one you to fill out the family then leave to it, till you get bored of your main one.

I'm procrastinating from everything else as always. Except filming and other group related stuff but also majorly procrastinating that stuff too. I have left myself with intense writing sensation that leave me depressed and lifeless.

I am at the stage where I sort of care, but don't care at all. I am past caring, because as a perfectionists I only have two working function. Numb and stressed or a odd mix of both where I do nothing.  Procrastnation, if it were a profession, then I would be one of the best.

I got both Netflixs and Amazon Prime in a matter of days. Amazon Prime is something, I would not buy except it was free and comes with fast shipping. As a video or music subscription it individually sucks. It also raises the big question, Why the hell is Pipper Pig on both? She her and SpongeBob belong together.

I have yet to actually pay for Netflixs, so far it been worth it as I have been watching large quantity of Community and am on the Epsideo 8 of 4th season so am in the majority way into it. It is not good for the whole production thing, but I enjoy it and it is relatable. The cast is good, regular or guest. Though, Alison Bree is just straight up playing the same character as My Alibi.

As for Amazon Prime there is some stuff on Prime Video. I have only used it for Mona the Vampire on mute while I'm trying to get to sleep. Nostalgia makes it so I don't need sound, but I did mange to use my phone for sound last night till I got bored of syncing it.

I'm currently catching on Doctor Who. I hadn't watched since the first part of The Zygon Inversion which was when I last decided to catch up it before. This is made difficult because my SmartTV hates BBC Iplayer. Perhaps it's bitter about BBC Three. I have now gave up and began awkwardly typing this post in the tiny window due the download version of Iplayer doesn't let you make it tiny.

I'm going to leave you now in favour of adventure and going to sleep a decentish time. If the gods allow; or my body; or whatever causes me to stay up all night.

Let's go live in a Hole

I am officially Autistic. A panel of expectors say so. Apparently, even before I went through that test thing it was obvious. So I set things on fire for nothing. I'm applying for PIP, because a job is a thing I have not been ever able to get and with my life of filming stuff and writing essays badly, it's even harder. All the part time jobs I've found, are just not for people who have lives or just straight up clash with my classes.

I am currently done with people. My sleep pattern doesn't even make sense anymore. I got to sleep at 8pm or something on Wednesday. Was woken up several times by body to go to the toliet every two hours, which isn't even how often I go when I stay up all night and stare at the celling. Okay, it's the wall I stare at.

Uni isn't going well.I have been having problems writing. Fictional I can drag out of me. However, critical essay, I can't find what I'm being asked to do. Even talking it through, I still can't. One of them I feel I'm doing something wrong. The other I have no clue how I'm meant to drag it past three hundred words. I also we're meant to talk about the success of it when it just failure and mistakes. It somewhat works, but it's trash.

That's the thing I made. The script is fine, though we should have a reading of it to make sure it worked being spoken out loud. The acting was good, mostly. Lines should have been said though.

I am critical. Things should be good. Everything else in tolerable. Though, I'm more acceptable of my wring. Maybe because that less work and just a case of slamming keys.

I'm going to a 21st Birthday party tonight. I've been avoiding people so this should be interesting. I have tons to do this weekend so seeing the family would not have been something I would have done. No family visits till Christmas, which is three weeks for me.

Until then, you will get magical post about my desperate need to do something limitless. Also fix this damn sleeping patterns. Drugs ain't working.

61 Sleepless Spiders

It once again Saturday and my sleeping pattern is a mystery I can't sort. I do not have enough energy to take the Sherlock approach of never sleeping but then passing out of days possibly. Though, I have basically been doing the passing out bit. My brain doesn't like me or sleep for the required number before waking me up, even on days that I have no reason to get out bed.

This alarming, but I also don't currently have the will to try and talk to a GP about something that can't be proved by a single test. This whole Austism thing isn't over yet and I can't begin to explore the messed up side of brain.

I do have bad sleep habits, but I can't sleep in the dark and if I'm bored, I won't go to sleep. I can't find my ipod so it's difficult to listen to music to sleep. I also think I lost my glass permanently but don't want to talk to the reception to ask about the potential of a lost and found being a thing.

I haven't been doing NaNoWriMo but I did have a shot of inspiration at 3am and wrote till 5, because sleep doesn't come when creativity is rolling along in your mind. I probably get most of my ideas when sleep deprived and trying to sleep. Also just straight up movie dreams.

Uni is stressfully because people are stressful. Also all these deadlines are up in the air and I just haven't dealt with them in the best way which is not help with missing the same class twice because of my whole no sleep thing or sleeping till the end of the world thing my brain has going on. I should probably email my tutor because I don't buy that I missed nothing in those two sections.

I think of my group had a Skype call during Children in Need. Well, I wasn't told and I have no interest to verbally talk to them during Children in Need, I have no regrets about it. I stand by it's dumb to it by Skype. Especially, with messenger you have evidence of what was said and therefore don't need to make notes of it.

On the funner, irresponsible side of things. I brought £15.25 worth of Cadbury Crunchy Spiders today. Frankly, I think the store never put them out till right before Halloween and that's why they had ton of them still. I brought 61 spiders. It doesn't look that much, but all the sums tell me it that ridiculous number. I'm going to have so much fun till 26. February 2016 when they go out of date.

I really like them as a source of chocolate, but they really just a bad replacement for the Cadbury Mint Crisp which I google to around to get that name and turns out you can buy it still in Ireland or something which does not make sense when the Cadbury factory is in England. I having literally just found this out, I now now must buy a bar to see if actually the same as the bars I got addicted to during first year.

I will type next week. I never mentioned France in this post (until now), but I never mention the terrorist attacks that happen every week. I have thoughts obvious, but I don't have the words to put them into concrete, so I'll leave it to others till my cerement hardens or I have something valid to say.

Early Horrors

As of Monday, I have not been having a very good week, after having a weekend ruined of no internet. I could blame that on being missing online deadlines, but it’s not true. I never filmed the footage, I should have, I never wrote the words I needed, nor did I completely have no access to the internet. Though, it was terrible quality and only accessible through hanging out windows where its cold. This continued to Tuesday, till noon.

I ordered the special edition of the Welcome to Night Vale novel and on blink of its publishication, I got email saying there was issue with my order of book that had already arrived, but was in the same order as the Night Vale novel. When I called to find out what the issue was, I got a place I swear was called Kingies. Eventually, I got through to Waterstones (who else would I pre-order with?) and was cut off as the customer service person said it was not being published till…I called again and it was an issue with my payment which was another five minutes of me hanging out the window because I have no internet or landline. 

I also pointlessly emailed them in a bid to confirmed that I had miscalculated the publication of the new Robert Galbraith book. In the end, it was me being idiot and everything was fine in the end.

I am idiot with money.

Yarny is shutting down next month, just in time not to be there for NaNoWriMo. I probably won't do it, because of uni deadlines. Though, maybe I will because of uni deadlines and I'm feeling creatively stifled, because doing a writing course has been me feel limited.

Next Saturday is Halloween and you might get horror. It could be creative or just life horror. However, the most horrifying thing has already happened. Life without internet. 

Overwhelmed Procrastinating

I have been editing lots of footages, but writing not so much. I'm watching Doctor Who two epsideos at a time. I'm currently on the first one and I watch the next the one live. A hour later or something.

Dear blog, I have something terrible to confess. I have nothing to write. I have random sentences, words to write. I am several lies that I have been telling since I was young and I'm trapped to tell until I die. However, I don't want to add anything and I have to write something for uni so I should focus on that.

I also want to read three books this weekend, which is basically only a Sunday now which is sad. They need to go back to the library and my life is so buzy. I am constantly fighting being overwhelmed with stuff I should be doing but also other people ain't doing it, so less concerning. Except, I want to be the best and I want to do everything to be the best. Finding the time to do nothing, but not reading. Why can't I procrastinating be slightly productive?

I have watched films. I have applied for one job and been immediately rejected. I somehow ended up being director for project without fight. I was expecting a fight about it? I'm filming it and not editing it, that's should be great as I hate editing (though satisfying and the rest is pointless without it). I'm starting to get tired again and had to pull myself out of bed. I need to be better. Though, no distractings next Monday, dinner out of Tuesday.

I still have this blasted cough, which brings me back to getting my lungs check out because of the whole childhood of asthma and lung infections. I've had it for over three weeks so according

I'm going to watch British Bake Off finally. Also knitting. I like knitting. Fareoff.

Free Pass

Hello, another week has passed and I have not even written anything for you. I've wrote stuff, however, that for uni and won't be shared unless it's useless for use. I'm terrible person who feels like she has done nothing or experience anything. I need to update my CV. Have I? No. Have I did anything, but uni stuff? No.

The first week of my higher education, has gone and went. It's weird and not have much thoughts to share about it. I feel bad that I have nothing creative to give, but no guilt. However, my free for all on this blog ends with September so back to actually trying or something.

Not much to say, except that this was wrote in my usual location of bed at home. I'm going to do something that's almost productive. 

Foreign Languages

I am writing this on my new laptop in my new dorm room. I should probably be out socialising. Watching Sherk or probably unscary horror film. Instead I'm typing to you. Do I have much to say? Not really. I feel awkward right now amongst these new people who so far all from other Europe countries than my own. I haven't met them all, but this should be interesting. I actually think we have the makings of a terrible comedy.

It's not fun struggling to speak the only language you know. I would probably be terrible at speaking any language but then I would have an excuse I think I just heard fireworks. There is a popping noise outside but no colour. I'm starting to unpark and playing a game of what did mum put it this bag. Something sticky was one of those answers.

I don't what else to write. I'm going to continue to unpack and see if anyone is a life. This is sort, but I'm tired and stressed out a tiny part, though currently numb to the stress. I'm off to wander the halls barefoot. 

Short Story: The Truth Or Lies, It's the same Pain

I've been buzy. So buzy that I thought I would write this post in third person so it would be sort of interesting. Instead you're getting excuses and another repost. Except this one is currently not online, because I took it down to work on it and maybe use it as Portifolio for English. I'm glad I didn't as it's not that good and I never thought a lot of stuff through. Also no one but me seems to point out when people write dumb science things down. There is a lot of cliché in this but I still like it despite it being a "CANCER STORY" and whilst cancer being diese a lot of people will be effected by whether having it themselves or a love one, it not wrote about well a lot. You should probably include me in that list.

As to why I have been busy comes down to the whole moving and starting uni thing. I've also been filming stuff and actually editing it into a video. I'm half way editing something about uni. Also I just straight up forgot that was meant to be finish the first chapter, till I went to bed on Friday. Sorry, that I went to see Inside Out instead of doing that today.

This story is sort of Prequel to a story, I wrote and lost due Mibba.com deleting people's stories for dumb reasons that they never gave decent warning about before they do it. Girl goes to dying Best Friend's party, runs from the party to cry in the glass of BF's garden. The main difference is this story has angel names. It was written for a contest with a angel theme.

Original Summery: Amitiel is named after the Angel of Truth but all she gets is lies. However, when she gets the truth from her best friend, she wishes it was lies.

Written for A N G E L -- C O N T E S T
Word Count :1458
Angel: Amitiel - angel of truth 

Today this day, I'm not sure if that's actually a girl's name. Also at this point I must not have realised that repetition is a bad thing unless intentional for a point. I haven't really done anything to this story as it's been edited several times since it's original posting so let just enjoy seventeen-year-old-me's editing and younger-than-that's writing. I gave you...

The Truth Or Lies, It's the same Pain

Angel of Truth, HA.

My parents must have cursed me, to be forever denied of what the angel they named me after stood for. In my short life of seventeen years, I have been lied to more times than I can count. Usually by the most important people to me. My mother lied to me when she said Santa was real, my father when he promised he'd be back in an hour, but never step foot in the house again, that doctor when she told me he'd pull through, my ex-best friend Claire when she said she couldn't go to my birthday party because her mum was ill but in fact went to Susan's party instead. All those lies, in such a short time. I thought he was different, I guess I was wrong. Again.

My first love, he who filled me with such joy, light and made time stop just with his eyes. But behind those eyes, there were a pile of lies. He who was my first kiss,my first everything, was also my first taste of how cruel people can really be. He lied to me, everyday from the beginning. He had  blinded me with his god damn perfect smile and fucking boyish looks. It was all a disguise, a hell of good one too. I never expected, I never ever question any thing about him. Not the weekends he couldn't see me, nor the constant ringing of his phone. The way he would get a text and have to leave right that second without even a goodbye kiss. He played me so well and I let him.

He broke my heart, ran off with the pieces and sold them on e-bay. He's left me here with nothing but the memory of them laughing at me and them kissing with their tongues all the way down each others throats. What did she have that I didn't? Sure, she was blonde, rich and a bloody size zero but she still also had the body of twelve year old boy. I had wasted so much time on liars and cheats. It was time I got them all out my life. I had thought, I already had. God, if this trend continue, it would turn out Anna actually doesn't have cancer and it was all a sick joke. That would  be something I would love to find out wasn't true.

“Amitiel, I have something to tell you,” Anna said hiding from behind my bedroom door, that I hadn't heard open. I had been hiding from the world for about a week under a thick duvet. I only knew of the passing of time because my mother had inform me of it this morning, before she left for work. I push the duvet off my head and turned around to see only Anna's ocean eyes peaking from behind the door, like a child waiting to be given in trouble. I sigh.

“Come in,” I see the lost sparkle in her eyes for moment, then it disappears.

Anna slowly comes in and shuts the door behind her. She so frail and pale looking. Her sandy waves of hair were gone, her head now only covered by dark blue scarf. The diamonds in her eyes, once permanent only visits briefly now. As long as had know her, there had always been a sparkle in her eyes, even in the serious of situations. But ever since she found out about the cancer in her body, the sparkle has been slowly disappearing. I fear each passing day that I'll never see it again. The phase 'too young to die' flashes in my mind. It has too be the biggest lie of them all but the ones we tell ourselves usually are.

Anna slowly makes her way to my bed as I sit myself up. She would have just ran and jumped on me if she still had the strength. It breaks my heart to know that her days really could be numbered. I'm not ready to accept that really they are. I guess I'm happy to lie to myself but not for others to do the same. I feel so selfish as I watch her struggle to walk the metre from the door to my bed. I have all the time in the world to fall in love and get my heart broken again, but Anna hasn't even fall yet and it seems time is running out for her.

“I'm sorry,” I say pathetically.

“What for? You've just had your heart broken by that jerk. I'd be in bed too if I was you.”

You should be. She finally makes it to my bed and slowly sits down.

“Still, I could have been a better friend. You need me more than I ever needed him,” She smiles, just a hint of that missing sparkle. “What is it you need to tell me anyway?” I ask as I watch the spark disappear again.

“I...I don't want to tell you,” She speaks the words so slowly, pulling each one apart so that they seem to be each a sentence on their own.

“Lets go out and have some fun,” She says cheerfully and I force a smile.

This is the first time I've left the house since he broke up with me, even missing school to avoid him - and her. I don't really want to leave the house, or even my room but I do so for Anna. I would do anything for her now. She convinces me to go to the mall with her and get super sized blue slushie. Like we always used to do before her cells turned against her.  We're already on to our second slushies, by the time I remember we're avoiding something. Something she doesn't want to tell me, something I'm scared to find out. So I don't ask her what it is. So I just joke and try to catch that sparkle I long to see.

Anna is still beautiful, even though she resembles death. She still has her best features. She no longer has the long blond hair that I had been jealous of, for as long as I can remember, but she still has her ocean eyes that were beautiful without their sparkle and the dark lashes that by some miracle had been black instead of blond, had just grew back, flaming them to perfection. Her laugh still rang out like an angel catching you and making you laugh until your ribs hunt. Why?

Why would something so horrible happen to such young, beautiful-inside and out- person? The truth avoids me and only leaves me with theories of pain and hate of an unfair world, created by a unkind God. She had been my best friend for so long, I didn't know what I do without her and pray to that God that I never have to find out.

It seemed that the mall shut too soon and kicked us out before we were finished with our fun. I drove Anna home in my small, three door car that still remains the colour of her eyes even at night. We sneak through the back door, even though we know we've been seen, stealing the last of junk food from the kitchen and returning to the backyard of our childhood. The sun is almost completely gone from the sky. I hear her sigh beside me and look at a face drained of all it's colour. She looks almost unrecognisable, so much older than her mere seventeen years.

It's time to be told the truth, the truth I don't want and for once I long for lies, but I know Anna was never good at lying or keeping things from me. So I sigh with her and prepare for the worse.

“I need to tell you this, God knows I don't want to. I don't want it be true,” The ocean begins to escape from her eyes. “It's not good, they say it didn't work,” her waves of hair lost for nothing.

“Its spread.”

Those two unimportant, usually so harmless on their own but are now the worse words in the world to me.

“They say they can only prevent...” Death, they can't stop it now, only slow it down.

“I'm sorry,” I say as the first of many tears trickle down my face. We hug and cry into each other, to release the grief. I moan the loss of a friend who will soon leave me and she moans the life she'll never get to live. I miss the lies and hate this truth. Lies protect you from pain, for wee while anyway. The truth always comes out.

Santa not real, my dad never came back, never mind in an hour's time and he didn't pull through. Claire wasn't my BFF, Alex never loved me and - I'll never be Anna's bridesmaid. A child's promise broken and made a lie by Fate. Lies are all I have. 

Other's comments:  

-This was really good - I love the concept of this, but there were a few spelling errors that could be easily fixed (: That's all the "constructive criticism" I have really. I love the girls' relationship, even though Anna lied to Ami. This was really great (: Thanks so much for entering and good luck! <3 

-I like this story so far. Except for a few spelling errors, i don't really have any 'constructive criticism'. XD  

Also someone told me they liked it and it was wrote as if English was a foreign language to me and that was a good thing. That comment has disappeared though. 

My comment is that I remember it's worse and probably worse for me trying to worm out the bit with blonde hair person having black eyelashes. I should have just left the eyelash bit out all together as I'm not sure if they would have grown back at all at this point. 

It's bit problematic with the description of the new girlfriend, but that what I was raised to believe other people thought about each other. Thanks Media. I also just love the phrase "First everything" and pretty sure that appears in other story I wrote at the time. 

I will type to you soon. Till then what are your comments?