How do I improved a system that I have no first hand knowledge?

 Why is so hard to find examples of C.V.s for the very specific job/programme I'm applying for? Also, do I write a cover letter. How do I write a cover letter?

Also, why do end up just wanting to point of the Ableism that these companies have partaken in? Why does everyone have to be so ableist?

I saw a clip of the Sia the Ableist Musical. It involves restaining someone having a meltdown for no reason, never mind that method has killed people. Honestly, fuck Neurotypical comfort. Be embarrassed by your kids, that says more about you than the kid. 

I also decided to watch 'The Night Clerk' which in a shocking turn of events is also bad. Not the worst thing I've ever seen but still...neurotypicals shouldn't be allowed to make media about us anymore. Now to watch Loop, let's see if Pixar is better. 

Doesn't use the word Autistic in the short, therefore it does not count as rep despite using traits and Autism Self Advocacy Network.  Okay, it's clearly showing Autism in the character's traits and title credit is similar to the rainbow infinite sign and uses a non-verbal autistic girl to voice the character. It's actually a good portrayal of an Autistic person. Actually, show the causes of a meltdown. 

Doesn't use the word autistic which is usually a major markdown on how I show the portrayals, but it is a short. If it was a TV show, it would not get a pass. TV shows have no excuse to reveal their character's deals. You say it or you officially fail. 

Frankly, we could be here all day with coded characters. Very popular in police shows. Jesus the amount of coded autistic characters in crime is a lot. Maybe someday they have the guts to use the actual word then it's not rep. 

I should probably put these thoughts into application. Time is always moving. 

To Be Writing Again.

I've been listening to a lot of music and writing again, its all thanks to Hannibal and Hannibal vampire AU fanfiction. I would like more Hannibal vampire but instead of writing that, I will work on my own abandoned fiction. Yes, it's Dance Hall I'm working on. It still lives...for now.

It has an actual plot now...sort of. Don't expert chapters, if you've been lurking on here for years, desperate for the ending. Well, it never had ending till now. That's right I have written the ending. I know how this book definitely ends. 

I have started writing a sequel. Ideas of conversation come to me more than the plot of the book. I just want to discuss the morality of vampires, and sometimes that morality can only be discussed with a character that doesn't belong in the first book. 

The middle of the first book is empty and I will need a big rewrite. The rewrite is pointless without having that middle figured out. I have an idea of things that going to happen. I have a rough family tree, though, there are several characters I need to name and possible rename. I have a character called Lix and I don't know if that was an actual name or random letters that I assigned to that character. 

I have two applications to fill in that ask me questions that should be easy to answer but don't want to leave my brain. It asks my recently favourite TV show. I keep a note of all the shows I've watched and I know it's Hannibal. I was even writing random essays notes about the show before I was asked that question and now I have no thoughts. 

Asking my least favourite being hard at least make sense because I didn't finish watching those episodes. Of the things I did finish watching, the Alienist season 2 was my least favourite. Part of me is tempted to go with the non-fiction stuff I watched recently since that most likely the most relevant to the thing I'm applying for. Maybe one of each. 

I do watch non-fiction, it's just random cooking/baking shows...and true crime. I mean watched a TV true-crime documentary today. It wasn't very good, but it was made to accompany a TV dramatisation so it was never meant to be a standalone thing. 

These things shouldn't be hard, as I write constantly about things I like and dislike. I criticise and write the reasons. I know why I like things but put in words where someone will definitely read it. That is hard in my brain. 

Hannibal is good in it's shooting and casting. The hash light is great, I love it.

Hannibal is good in the writing it steals from Harris. The adapting is interesting.

Hannibal is bad in that the final season, is actually 2 seasons split into one.

Hannibal is bad because the lack of character and relationship developments in the first season while trying to tell us Abby is important (which probably because there's nothing to adapt Abby from beside her first scene). Yeah, Will, Hannibal and Jack Crawford are the stars, but more has to be done than daughter surrogacy. There's not even a scene between Abigal and Will while discussing Will being too close to her. 

Hannibal is bad in that doesn't understand that a character saying something, rather than thinking of them changes that meaning. 

Hannibal is bad in that its showrunner doesn't understand tropes but tries to address to them. Someone tell Bryan Fuller that Fridging is where you kill a woman for the sake of a man's development, not about violence being done to woman in general. Fridging is a very specific trope and there are websites dedicated to explaining that trope. 

Hannibal is good in it's a rom-com where a cannibal convinces an FBI professor to run away off with him and somehow convinces the audience (me) while watching it that was the best option for everyone, except Jack Crawford, but Jack has played loose with the lives and mental state of those he leads so Jack can lose this one. 

See I can write about it. There's a word I want, but I can't find it in my head enough to even go hunting for it. Maybe it will come to me.

The other thing I'm applying for is more insane but I don't want to talk about it. 

I'm going to write about things, like a book I didn't like much.

Goal 2021

 I have no belief in these goals are happening. I just don't. I'm tempted just put vague things like reading as goals. I mean these have never been things I expect to do all of. It's just things that I would like to work on. 

1. Read a Book a Week:  Technically I failed this by not reading a book, in the first of the year which was just three days, so I forgot, but I did finish a book in that actual week, so I'm saying its counts. Or we only counting full weeks. Pro
2. Read 122 Books: I just want to read more books than I've ever had in a year. It's completely possible, I've read 120 books in a year before.
3. Read All the Graphic Novels I own: It's an easy goal and I own a few I haven't read yet.
4. Finish 5 Series: Okay, I give on the finished ten series a year. Just finished more than last year or something. I finished 4, that's why the goal is 5. I have finished 10 series before in a year
5. Get my TBR Down: Here's the thing, it's never gonna happen but also with Covid my local library may never open again and I'm gonna stop requesting things off Netgalley unless it's hella Queer. I've not reviewing at a stable rate and I'm never gonna read all the books. I want to read more my physical books but I also 
6. Write a Review a Week: I was tempted to take this one out, but I do plan to keep reviewing the books I read and if I'm reading a book a week, then I should be reviewing one a week.
7. Write a Post a Week: Writing is good for the soul. 
8. Finish a Novel Draft: I've been writing recently again. I don't think it's good, but if I could get it finished that would been something. It could be workable eventually, but I can't fix it until I have a completed work. 
9. Do More Complicated Videos: I have done the majority of the work for one but does not exist. I give up on consistency and gonna just make things and post it when it's done.
10. Continue Bullet Journaling: No explanation. I spent enough money on it, it would be arsinine to stop now. 
11. Exercise most days: I need to go out more. My tampline broke, which raises the question of whether I should get a new one. I have missed it recently. I'm gonna go back to my house and that way I could actually use my exercise bike. 
12. Applying for Things: I'm currently on two applications for completely different career paths. We see how that goes.

Skye has started catching the ball when it's thrown. He's not very good at it and still likes to run around the room with it in his mind. Leia is not pleased with this development. She wants to be the only one going for the ball. My trampoline is now broken, so she not happy. 

I'm tempted to make a joke about donating to me to buy another one, but it would only be a half joke since I cannot afford to buy a new one. The world is a nightmare. Look after yourself.

2020 in Reflection

 Now for the Annual post where I talk goals I had for the year. 

1. Read a book a week: Fail. Not even on a technicality. I went months sometimes not reading but in my defence, 2020. 
2. Finish 10 series: I finished four. 2 were on my actual list of series I wanted to finish. 
3. Read More of My Own Books: I read even less of my own books this year. I even made a comparison table to prove that.
4. Get the TBR Down:  Shockly, no, as someone who buys books in stressful and depressing times, I did not stop buying books during global pandemic when I stopped reading. 
5. Write a Review a Week: Well, if stop reading then you can't review anything and the film reviews don't feel right. 
6. Write a Post a Week: This is blog is meant to keep me writing all the time, and it's not working out that way. I would feel better about letting this blog go if I was writing outside of it but I am not. 
7. Finish a Novel: Ha no. I feel like I have been writing more creative this year which is good.
8. Published a Video a Week: Goblal Pandemic, sick siblings and funeral mean I didn't feel like doing this and I decide I wasn't going make myself do it. 
9. Do More Complicated Videos: I have done the majority of the work for one but not exist. 
10. Continue Bullet Journaling: I had fuck ups but I did it for the most part, despite no one actually needing a planner for this year.
11. Exercise most days: I know this is getting stale, but I really didn't walk my dogs due to the global pandemic putting pandoria into me, because I know it just takes one fool and people are too causal already with their dogs going by other dogs. As of recent events a.k.a. my middle of nowhere country as the highest numbers in the country right now. I could have went on my trampoline but didn't. I did use my exercise bike when I was in my house but a global pandemic meant I wasn't in my house because I apparently we shouldn't be leaving our houses at all and I am a carer for my parents.  I miss my house and at this point I should stop letting my parent get their way all the time. 
12. Apply for things: "I know I'm not going to a foreign country in September" This was a real moment of confusion for me, but I think it was reference to the Florida trip that my family has been talking about for five years. I did apply for a thing and was rejected and then a global pandemic happened so I had to isolate and didn't apply for anything after March. 
13. Read 104 Books: No. I won't go into again. 

This was a bad year for everyone. Mostly bad things happened and I have new nibing. That is the single good thing. Also I am shockingly alive, despite being half convinced that I would die in the Year 2020 when I was 27. That probably should have filled me with more panic than ever did. 

Hannibal season 1, but both Will and I have a fever.

 Time is a concept that I refuse to believe in, but of course, like ghosts in every supernatural horror, time does not care about my personal experience with it and it will pass at whatever random speed. I am ill. I don't know how it happens as I've been isolating. I have theories but I feel crap so what's the point of getting into the theories.

Season 1 of Hannibal really hits different when you have a fever and watching it as you go in and out of consciousness. Makes Will all the more relatable and I too, now feel like someone has forced fed me an ear, but that's just what's ever going with my throat still. I'm been ill for a few days, kept having dreams I was better, then waking up very much not. 

I had a dream that Hannibal was serving soup, and my mouth was brunt from it. Then was a debate that whether Lector had done on purpose but it wasn't his m.o. I woke up with my tongue burning, so that was fun. I told my mum that at 6 something and she called the doctor in the morning while I was sleep so I got myself some very nice antibiotics without seeing or even talking to a doctor. I could barely talk at that point and nevermind mixing in Selective Mutism.  Okay, so my mum got me them but I was the one that picked them up. 

I also had a fever, my throat was so sore before I started antibiotics that I couldn't swore and was barely able to talk. Anytime I squeezed I wanted to punch god, it hurt so badly. I keep having to fight my gag reflex, as I was sure vomiting would have been nightmare. I never had cough until yesterday where it started to get better. It feels like there is fuzz in my throat. Still feels like there's something in my throat. 

Other symptoms include not being able to eat spricy chicken because I could feel the spice in my ears. I didn't want the chicken really anyway. It was just going out of date and felt like I had to eat as no one else was gonna eat it. 

Though with everything going on, I can't be sure when I got sick because I carry stress in my throat, so I blamed the sore throat on that. I wonder if that's why I got it worse than everyone else seems to have it so far. Everyone seems to have got it now. 

One of our cats died last weekend. She was only two. It's all very suspensions. She's my sibling who needs cat and who is definitely going to into hospital before the year is out most likely. Christmas is literal days aways and it's never felt further. Not sure what we have in terms of food at all. Some frozen stuff I guess.

Lockdown and Covid mutating is just the of course of the year. My siblings are taking turns being hospital so that's great. There won't be any Christmas lights up this year because no one can be boather. Only my tradition of keeping Halloween decoarations up over the Christmas period reminds.

Life is a Slow March (also I do nothing for a month)

 I've been thinking about my oldest brother lately which isn't surprising. A date has been set for when he goes into the ground. Good thing, we're not Jewish because it's taken several sunsets. Who knows what we actually use to believe. 

A Catholic service is about as comforting as slapping when you don't believe in any of that crap, especially when it's a funeral for someone on the younger side. I just felt angry listening to all the shit and the main reason for having a Catholic funeral cannot be there for medical reasons. 

All this crap about god being a shepherd. Well, if he has been shepherding my family, I would like a word about several things and that maybe he should invest in a sheepdog.  So my thoughts through all the prays was about what a dick he is, which is probably the wrong attitude to have during a funeral. What is the right one, anger is meant to be one of the stages of grief but maybe you shouldn't be cursing god in a church. 

I joke about not being able to say I'm Satanist because I'm not an atheist. I guess I believe in something, but I don't believe we will meet again in the same form. I definitely don't believe in Abrahamic faiths and their teachings at all. Mainly they mostly sexist and no one plays attention to the actual good ones. Got to have your super churches, while the poor starve. 

Having a school next to church is quite awkward when leaving a funeral. They put him in the ground before my family got to the gravesite which is kinda shitty, especially as we were running early. 

The priest seemed to rush through the service, which I guess a good thing because I was dreading the idea of giant service. There are no hymns during a covid funeral. Why do Catholics sit up and down so much? We do not appreciate it as disabled people.

I've not done much recently, barely read but I have finished watching Murder, She Wrote except for the films. I've watched all of Hannibal in the last week, would have been quicker than that but I wanted to read fanfiction. Reading early fanfiction before a series is finished, Now I'm wondering what if Jessica Fetcher was Hannibal? Maybe she secretly is. I've been thinking about the murder statics around Jessica as I watch all 12 seasons. I had thought about doing vlogmas. I have several videos that I want to see the light of sitting unedited. 

This post probably be very different if I had finished writing three week ago instead of now. 

Life is Short but also Insufferable Long.

 So something that should be devastating happened at the start of the month. It doesn't feel that way which makes me feel odd. 

It just made me feel odd about watching nothing but things that involve death. I don't watch or consume anything that involves plain happiness and it's too soon to start watching Hallmark films, even those are secretly dark with all the dead mothers they just have for the sake of it. 

So I watched Casper (1995), may as well hit on the head and I'm back to watching Murder, She Wrote. Maybe I'll start the Christmas films early, especially as I can't finish my project currently. 

It wasn't unexpected. It came at a shitty time because covid and other bad shit that's going on. 

Anyway, there's separate Transport police in the UK that are not connected to Police Scotland and they mostly deal with suicides going off the leafet they gave us. 

My biggest emotion right now is angry at people using modern technology to insensitively inform people of things they have no business commenting on. People have been informed now so I guess I can go back to using Social Media as a coping mechanism. 

Halloween still Happens

 I really should have planned for this special occasion. A Halloween Saturday with a full blue moon. Well, of course, I didn't. I don't write anymore and my life is always six stages of chaos all slowly happening at once. 

I do get to spend Halloween with my niece because of not good reasons because covid means they are no good reasons to see her. You can't just go visit for nothing. 

I went to a drive-in to see 28 Days Later on Friday. It was a burst and I won't be doing it again. It's just left me tired for today. It's wasn't that great of an experience and not worth the money for only two people having a decent view. Also, they showing Die Hard as Christmas film but actual Christmas film Gremlin as Halloween one. Terrible at that job and organising.

US Christians really need help as a whole. Halloween is the Christianflied version of a pagan holiday. All the shite they saying is just weird and wrong. Halloween is meant to chase evil spirits away and if you were a Good Christian you would celebrate it without being weird about. 

I suppose if you were actually a Christian, you would abandon the weird things the Romans did to Christianity.  Let's stop talking about those losers.

I'm off to stare into the distance and think about the giant pumpkin I'm gonna carve in November.